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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why this sudden sexual attraction?

24 replies

quirkycutekitch · 11/01/2015 11:33

Ex confessed to me last night that he has been seeing someone who I had my suspitions about since we split up the start of last year.

I've asked him outright if he's been seeing her on a number of occasions and he's denied it.

Anyway they had a massive bust up on Friday because he's been cheating on her & wanted to split - he told me everything yesterday.

Now I can't get him out of my head & really am considering testing the water on how he would feel about us DTD.

Why - surely I should be repulsed at his terrible behaviour to the other women! Argh confused!

OP posts:

RandomNPC · 11/01/2015 11:39

Don't do it, I think you'd really regret it afterwards. I think you should keep your distance from him, he's an ex for a reason.

dirtybadger · 11/01/2015 11:41

Some research supports attraction being relates to perceived attractiveness (I.e. If we are told someone is attractive, we find them more attractive ourselves without realising). Perhaps your brain has got all in a twist over him because of his apparent need to beat them off with a stick.

Ride it out, though...he's a dickhead!

pnutter · 11/01/2015 11:45

Brilliant post badger!! Totally agree

Original poster

quirkycutekitch · 11/01/2015 13:59

Thanks for talking sense to me.

Thing is he left me & I do think he's very attractive - so a lot of my feelings for him are still there - under a big pile of hurt.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/01/2015 14:04

Really, really bad idea

JohnFarleysRuskin · 11/01/2015 14:08

I once met a guy - online dating - who I didn't fancy much. 2nd date he dropped in the conversation about two women at work who were interested in him. Suddenly, I couldn't get enough of him.

You (and me) are highly suggestible and should be locked up ;)
Your ex sounds awful...(yet strangely magnetic..).don't go with him he won't make you happy.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2015 14:11

I'd put it down to sheer competitive spirit. Proving you've still got it. 'Winning' if you like. A version of 'hysterical bonding' . Bad idea to follow through of course as it would be a pretty hollow victory.

Original poster

quirkycutekitch · 11/01/2015 14:24

Just looked up 'hysterical bonding' it's that isn't it? - it's just that I don't get to have him back.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2015 20:02

Hysterical bonding rarely gets someone back. It's more an expression of desperation insecurity than a strategy. One person trying to dumb down a complex relationship problem to sex = love.

Original poster

quirkycutekitch · 11/01/2015 21:12

It's crazy if you'd told me on Friday I'd be feign like this I would have laughed! I haven't wanted him back the whole time we were split!

Anyway I invited him to stay over this evening & he declined so feeling a bit rejected but for the best.

OP posts:

Sundayplease · 11/01/2015 21:16

Don't let that hurt and rejection make you want to win him back even more. Let it go now!

Original poster

quirkycutekitch · 12/01/2015 21:22

Argh asked him again to stay tonight - what the hell is wrong with me! It's gone from just sex to getting back together in my head, even though for the last 10 months I've known it's been the right decision.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 12/01/2015 23:54

err, you need to get a grip

you are making a pillock of yourself

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2015 10:37

"what the hell is wrong with me"

Suppose you did have sex and he did return? What then? How long would it be before he was off tomcatting around again? How long before you hated what you saw in the mirror each morning for having sold yourself cheap?

Original poster

quirkycutekitch · 13/01/2015 12:24

I don't now if I do want him back - all I know is I want him physically.

And what if we did have another 10 years together and another dc would that be so bad?

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/01/2015 12:26

Oh Gawd.

sebsmummy1 · 13/01/2015 12:31

Well what did he say when you asked him outright?

AnyFucker · 13/01/2015 12:33

I'd find somebody else to have a bunk up with if you are craving the sex

you are selling yourself short

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/01/2015 12:36

He dumped you for another woman (and lied about it). He's been cheating on the OW (and lying of course)

He sounds like a great partner who will make you very happy! Go for it!

Original poster

quirkycutekitch · 13/01/2015 14:58

I asked him to sleep over - I didn't specifically say 'cos I want shag you'.

He didn't cheat on me - he left me last year.

She's making trouble for him in work & saying he assaulted her - which I know he would never have done.

I'm trying to be a supportive friend - but it's difficult because of these feelings.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 13/01/2015 15:11

What you want is not to feel rejected. You are putting the power to do that in his hands, when it is already in your own.

RandomNPC · 13/01/2015 15:13

It is not possible to be a friend with an ex when one of you stil has some feelings for the other, it just doesn't work.

Original poster

quirkycutekitch · 13/01/2015 21:33

Well I haven't seen him today & the feeling has ebbed a bit. See how I feel tomorrow when I see him.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/01/2015 23:02

How about you busy yourself with somethingsomeone else ?

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