Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

perhaps a bit personal but ....

24 replies

linzoid · 20/04/2004 10:07

What sort of set up do you have with your dp/dh and the finances? I am a sahm apart from working as a cleaner 2 mornings and my dp of 11 years works long hours as a driver. The bank account is in his name and so is the mortgage. I have an account for the child benefit which i spend usually on the kids with sometimes a treat for myself. Dp and i have talked and aggreed that although he's the breadwinner all our money is joint as we are a family. Why then does he act like it's all his and make me feel that i should be grateful if i am ' allowed to spend money'

Grrrr i am not a happy bunny this morning

OP posts:

Soulfly · 20/04/2004 10:13

MY DH IS ABIT LIKE THIS, BUT WE HAVE A JOING ACCOUNT AND I DEAL WITH THE MONEY, SO IF WE GET MUCKED UP THEN ITS MY FAULT, I GIVE HIM MONEY WHEN HE NEEDS IT. aND I SORT OUT THE REST. THE MORTAGE IS IN MY NAME ASWELL AS HIS. wHY DON'T YOU SUGGEST A JOINT ACCOUNT. yOU'RE LOOKING AFTER YOU CHILD/REN, SO ITS NOT LIKE YOUR NOT DOING ANYTHING. A CHILD MINDER GETS PAID FOR WHAT WE DO. SIT HIM DOWN AND HAVE A TALK TO HIM TELL HIM YOUR UNHAPPY ABOUT THE WAY THE FINANCES ARE AND TELL HIM HOW YOU'RE FEELING. cAUSE HE MAY BE OBLIVIOUS TO IT. DON'T BACK DOWN ON THIS. GOOD LUCK.

twiglett · 20/04/2004 10:18

message withdrawn

twiglett · 20/04/2004 10:18

message withdrawn

Easy · 20/04/2004 10:24

Linzoid.
When we first got married I was financially independant, so we kept our own seperate accounts, I paid the mortgage, household expenses (it was my house at that time), but he usually paid for the groceries and nights out etc.
When we moved house we bought in joint names and are "tennents in common" on the mortgage, so we both have responsibility for the house (and the rights to it, important if there is ever a split or a death, particularly in your case of not being married).
Since I gave up work we still have our seperate accounts, but dh has a direct debit to pay 1/2 his salary into my account. I still pay electric/gas/water etc out of my half, he pays the mortgage.
Whatever money is in my account is mine. DH never comments on how I spend my money, but then we do always discuss major expenditure (except when I secretly booked to take him away for his 40th birthday, I felt really guilty spending £550 without consulting him first)

WSM · 20/04/2004 10:24

My situation is a little similar to yours linzoid, although I have a separate bank account and the mortgage is in both names.

I found it very hard becoming financially dependent of DH when DD was born and still do to a certain extent. I HATED asking him for money for something and then having to justify it, I have to say here that he isn't financially (or otherwise) controlling and it was my own personal discomfort/pride rather than anything DH did/does.

Prior to my maternity pay finishing DH and I did agree to him depositing a certain amount into my account by standing order, which would serve as a nominal fund which would cover anything I needed from month to month, shoes, a new coat, make up, anything. However that fell by the wayside and whenever I attempt to bring it up he always says "Why ? There's no need, you know you can have whatever you want. All you need to do is mention it". Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !!!!

DD is now 20 months and I am a SAHM, I plan to be so until DD and any further children are school aged. Most days the financial arrangements don't bother me, I have no worries about paying any of the household bills, mortgage or anything. He even pays my credit card bills (although he has taken my card off me and I have to ask him for it back when I need it). Every now and again the resentment (a bit strong perhaps?) bubbles to the surface.

God, having read that back DH sounds like a financial tyrant !!! He REALLY isn't ! It is mostly just me still finding it hard to come to terms with being financially dependent.

bunny2 · 20/04/2004 10:27

We have a joint account even though dh is the sole breadwinner. It would never cros his mind to keep money he has earned to himself, I work hard too but I dont get a pay cheque for it. My parents keep their finances seperate and I think it is really sad. Why commit to sharing a life/children together if you cant share money?

Kaz33 · 20/04/2004 10:27

Easy - are you married ? If you are not and are tenants in common, if one of you died and the other didn;t have a will or left property to someone else then you would not get partners share of the house.

It would be more common to be joint tenants - most married couples to do it that way.

kiwisbird · 20/04/2004 10:28

umm
Dp earns and has his own account, also we have joint ac which is for household stuff, this is mine basically, although he does pay for weekly shop on his account. WE are together with money, the separation is only for convenience to see where money goes.
I get all tax credits and Child Benefit into this joint acc, we buy stuff for kids together so I usually have too much to spend in the joint acc..
WE are not married either and I sunk all my hous sale money into the flat he solely owns. we have a dd 17 mths, I trust him implicitly with everything, he is a good good man.
I have no issues about money or stuff with him...

aloha · 20/04/2004 10:32

Linzoid, are you a joint owner of your house? I don't necessarily mean the mortgage, but is your name on the deeds? Or is it all his. If it is, and you aren't married, you are NOT in a good position. If he ended the relationship, it is likely you would end up homeless with no rights to your own home. There is a possibility you might be allowed to live in it until the kids are older, then have to give it up to your dp, but this isn't very likely. I don't mean to sound like the harbinger of doom, but if you don't have the house in joint names and you aren't married you are not financially secure. Yes, of course, there should a be a joint account if you have mutually agreed that he works outside the home and you work in it, but it's the house thing that would really worry me.

aloha · 20/04/2004 10:34

kiwisbird...aarrgh! Why did you give him all the money? Why is your home not in joint names?? You can get than changed asap. It really does put you in a very vulnerable position.

lydialemon · 20/04/2004 10:34

We have our own accounts. Dh pays all the household bills and our monthly food shop. I work 3 evenings a week plus child benefit and tax credits, and I pay my bills, phone, catalogues, car stuff (DH doesn't drive) and 'incidential'food stuff, although DH says I should just ask him to pick stuff up on the way home.

However, its not his and my money. If he's short I'll give him cash and vice versa. There are a few bills that get paid by whoever has the money at the time, such as car tax, DSs afterschool clubs, birthday/christmas stuff.

I think its just habit with us though. We've been together a long time (since I was 15) and during this time there have been periods where I was a student and he was working, and where he was unemployed and I was working, so we have always just 'pooled our resources'. Makes life easier

Easy · 20/04/2004 10:37

Kaz

Yes we ARE married, and I'm prob wrong about tenants in common, It probably is joint tenants, just off to check now.

dinosaur · 20/04/2004 10:40

linzoid, just thought I would chip in as we are "the other way round" - I am breadwinner and DH is SAHD

When he gave up work to look after DS1, I asked if he wanted to turn my bank account into a joint account, but he prefers to have his separate account, so I write him a cheque for a monthly amount that we have agreed between us. Out of that he pays for virtually all of the grocery shopping, and some of the bills and some of the DSs clothes and he pays our cleaning lady. The mortgage, insurance, etc comes out of my account, and I pay the rest of the bills including his mobile phone bill. We haven't yet had a row about money since we've been doing this (four years) but I must admit I do sometimes make wisecracks about him spending "my" money - hmmmm, maybe this is a bit tactless...

But I agree with Aloha and others, the most important thing security wise is to make sure that you have a legal entitlement to the house you live in.

Clayhead · 20/04/2004 10:47

linzoid, I am a SAHM, dh works full time. We have joint accounts and I have my name on the mortgage; I worked for years before and will work again. dh is sensitive to my not earning money for the first time since I was about 12 years old and always talks about when 'we' get paid etc. He has NEVER made me feel guilty about spending any of OUR money and I would be very, very upset if he did.

In fact, I think due to savings being mainly in my name, I have more in my own name than he does in his, technically.

I personally couldn't be a non wage earner if dh didn't share everything with me, it was our joint decision that I stay at home and so it is our money now I do.

Clayhead · 20/04/2004 10:49

Forgot to add, during our relation ship there have been periods when I've earned good money whilst he earned nothing, we both earned about the same and now him earning with me earning nothing.

Also wonder why your name isn't on the family home, think aloha has a point.

marialuisa · 20/04/2004 10:54

Well we both work full-time and our salaries our paid into our personal accounts. We put together a spread sheet and worked out household costs, savings etc. that needed to be paid every month and deducted this amount from our combined income. We then divided the leftover money in 2 to give us our "pocket money" for the month. Pocket money is taken away from salary and the remainder is tranferred to the joint account.

Only hicup with this master plan is that I seem to spend an awful lot of my money on DD....

LadyMuck · 20/04/2004 20:08

We have always had a joint account, and pretty much everything is in joint names - only exceptions are for tax purposes. When we were first together I earned more, then became more equal, and now I earn very little - dh is the main earner. But it is always "our" money. In fact it is probably more accurate to say that I control most of the spending, dh does not have time

If you are not married and everything is not in joint names, then you shouldn't (just) be worried about dp leaving - it is what happens if he dies that would really scare me. If he hasn't got a valid will then you may be homeless...

Batters · 20/04/2004 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aloha · 20/04/2004 20:38

And on the deeds of the house. I really don't think it is enough to share the mortgage though I'm not 100%certain of that, but you should definitely jointly own your home.

Hulababy · 20/04/2004 20:40

WE have joint accounts and joint mortgage - for everything where it makes no financial benefit. Now I am working PT and DH is in higher tax bracket, I have some things in my own name for tax reduction reasons.

jac34 · 20/04/2004 20:47

We both earn about the same money, me slightly more, we have one joint account, house in joint names and joint creditcard/cashcards. We each have our own savings account, where we both save equal amounts every month.His gets kept for holidays, mine goes to pay for large household purchases.
We trust each other completely, mainly because we are both as tight as the other, and hate spending money.He never questions my spending and often says I don't treat myself enough.
I do most of the finances but we discuss, these as well.

kiwisbird · 20/04/2004 20:48

aloha, no seriosuly we have a legal agreement since our daughter was born that details the amount I put in, and honestly he is simply the most trustworthy soul, we are about to buy new house in joint names, also when he met me he paid of 12k of my debts LOL

aloha · 20/04/2004 20:49

And on the deeds of the house. I really don't think it is enough to share the mortgage though I'm not 100%certain of that, but you should definitely jointly own your home.

aloha · 20/04/2004 20:56

Glad to hear you are buying the new house together Kiwisbird. I'm sure your dp is absolutely lovely and decent, but life is full of surprises, and if (God forbid) he died, without a legal agreement it would put you and your daughter at a terrible disadvantage - and even leave you homeless. Relatives can get very ruthless and greedy when there's a large amount of money at stake. I am a bit evangelical about this issue, I'm afraid but it sounds as if you are getting it all sorted without any help from me

Flip