Hanging on by a thread - again

[pebblewells]

Some background, which may well out me but at this point I really don't care. DP and I have been together for 3 years. He is a widower, with 2 young children, and a stay-at-home Dad. I have no children, and am at university 4 hours away.

We have had our struggles over the 3 years - he has a lot of emotional baggage and hurt left from his marriage and his bereavement; about 1 year in I had a wobble over the realities of life with children; and the strains of long distance affect us both.

The real bombshell came this time last year - completely out of the blue, when I thought we were going along quite happily, he rang me on Skype to break up with me. He looked and sounded a completely different person - it was like a robot talking to me, I couldn't get any emotion or anything out of him at all. It broke my heart - I had to take time off from uni (which is not an easy or advisable thing for the course which I am studying) and I really tried to talk through things, to find out what was wrong etc. Turns out he was depressed. It was literally the case that - one day he would be breaking up with me, and I would try to talk to him and reach the real him (not the depressed him) and the next day he would say he wanted to marry me, and so on, for a period of a few months.

Things settled down from the summer onwards, and I really thought we were happy. But last night was like deja vu. Exact same time of year, exactly the same amount of days until I have to start uni again, exactly the same thing - on Skype, for what I thought was a conversation about how we move forward, telling me the spark has gone, he loves me and always has, but doesn't know if he wants a relationship anymore, that he has been trying really hard for the last few months to find what he feels he has lost, but that he has failed. And there I was, happier than ever these past few months, thinking how great things were going.

The whole conversation was completely confusing. One minute it sounded like he was breaking up with me, then he would say no, that it's just a thought he has sometimes, and then back to sounding like it was all over. After a 4 hour (!) Skype conversation until 2:30am, suddenly he is saying he loves me, that there is something special between us - after hanging up on Skype, he rang me on my mobile to give a little speech about all the things he loves about me and how he feels about me "despite all the negatives".

This morning - I don't know what the hell to feel. I have been crying since 4am because it feels just like all of the pain of last year, all over again. I text him an hour or so ago saying I was really struggling to cope, and his reply was "everything is fine darling" with a smiley face.

I don't want to lose him, I don't want to LTB, I thought we were so happy. I feel like I am grieving for this relationship and I don't even know whether it is lost or not.

If you end it, he may well come after you for a bit because he won't want to lose control, and, y'know, the nice meals out in hotels etc.

But if he gets you back onside, he will no doubt swing again and try and end it.

So you have to decide how much more messing about you're prepared to to tolerate.

You may well have been a breath of fresh air to the kids, pebble but to be blunt, you have your own life to live. Currently it seems that you are hanging onto the coat-tails of a man who treats you with abusive contempt. He can say what he likes, mutter an insincere apology later and hey ho, on it rolls with you more and more beaten down every time it happens.

You know this needs to end. You know that it's pointless talking to him about it. He resents the very air you're breathing if it isn't directly for his benefit (hence the nice trip etc.)

This one is best analysed with hindsight, when you are properly yourself again.

I bet if you acted strong and decisive and ended it yourself, he would be pleading with you to give it another chance.

If you really don't want to leave him, call his bluff? Act as if you don't care, agree with him and say you feel the same.

You're not going to leave yet. I've been in the same place - making all the excuses and clinging desperately to the good moments.

The way I broke away was by giving myself time out. I didn't tell him as he would have begged me not to and this would have fed the bit of me that tried to trust him. I answered his texts briefly but didn't see him at all for three weeks. This gave me enough headspace to see it more clearly.

This relationship is bad. You're making excuses for staying in it, for his and your behaviour. It may not end now because you're not going to end it. But it will end. Either he will man up and do it or you'll wake up.

What a head fuck. It's not supposed to be like that.

today he is completely different, it is like he doesn't register the hurt he caused last night

More than anything else this is a problem. I can get that people change after a serious bereavement - really can. It's the first time many people have hit the real hard stuff in life.

But the mood instability and most of all the inability to recognise that what he is saying has a long term impact on you indicates that he's not really a good partner.

You deserve to be heard - you shoudl be heard- and he should act with consideration towards you. This game he's playing is a cruel one.

I think you shoudl plan how to cope without him in the future. What will help you, what will tide you over the hard times. Look outwards and build up other social contacts and interests. Say No to seeing him at the weekends sometimes. If you can't face letting him go all at once, make sure you have more in your life than just him.

It is very hard for his children :( but you cannot stay in the relationship getting jerked around just for him.

So has he been like this for a year since his last outburst?

Is he like this only with you or is he lacking in enthusiasm and commitment in the rest of his life too?

How did it go last night?
And is this time of year an anniversary or something to him? Just out of interest, and wondering why it happens this time of year.

It seems like you want to associate his treatment of you with his bereavement, but for all you know he could have behaved in a similar manner to his late wife, he might just be an arse. Widowers aren't necessarily good people!

Whatever the cause, his behaviour is cruel and manipulative. I wouldn't bother discussing this with him any further if I were you. Maybe he wants to end things but doesn't want to be the bad guy, maybe he does it to keep you on your toes and ensure that your relationship is not equal. Either way your best course of action is detach and figure out what you want.

I'd stop discussing the relationship and his feelings and tell him he needs to figure out what he wants and come back when he's ready to be a grown up.