Dds dad suddenly tried to contact her on facebook after 18 years of no contact.

[honeylou42]

I split up with Dds dad when she was 2 and we have never heard a thing, now after 18 years he has suddenly sent her a friend request on facebook saying hey i think i'm your dad get in touch.He has never had any contact or payed a penny towards her. I have explained its her decision is she wants to respond , but im pretty shocked and very upset by this sudden contact. I married a wonderful man when she was little who has brought her up as his own, im struggling to deal with this and am worried about whats going to happen.

What are you worried might happen?

Are you worried how it might effect their relationship or Her birth dad might suddenly disappear again.

In your shoes I'd be worried.

I'd be wondering why now after all this time.

Hi OP,

Pretty much the same thing happened to me a few years ago. My dad ran off when I was 2, never showed an interest or paid a penny towards my upbringing, but contacted me on Facebook when I was in my mid-20s. I was a bit curious so accepted his request, but I wasn't interested in suddenly calling him daddy and playing family (he apparently thought about me every day and had two younger children who were "desperate to meet" me).

We exchanged a couple of emails, I gave him a potted history of my life and said it wasn't a great time for me to become familiar with him (it wasn't, I had other stuff going on).

He then started to get a bit pushy saying yes it is a good time, we have no reason to not start a relationship now etc... and I had even less respect for him (not that I had any to start with, it just became minus 5 rather than zero). So I told him where to go. My mum didn't know about it but I think she would have been upset, but she would have known I had little interest in idolising a man who abandoned me for the most difficult part of my upbringing, so it wouldn't have damaged my relationship with my mother.

A few months later he sent both me and my mum a message about a massive sport event cheering on our team my mum was very confused and we just laughed it off.

As you have said, ultimately it's your decision but I understand why you are upset. Try to not be offended however your daughter proceeds, it doesn't need to affect your relationship and has no bearing on her respect for you and your husband, and I imagine she already feels a bit conflicted. If she decides to tell him to bore off, great (in my opinion). If they get to know each other and it turns out he grew up after being a useless father then there are worse things in the world than them getting to know each other. If curiosity gets the better of her, she gets to know him and he turns out to still be a knob, she will work it out pretty quickly.

I understand why you are hurt but I wouldn't worry too much. I have a friend who is in a similar position to me and her dad was exactly the same - pissed off from the age of 2, reappeared in adulthood and then started making demands for a father-daughter relationship as if he deserved one. She was as unimpressed as I was in my situation. Your daughter may well be the same, even if she wants to give him a chance.

Aside from his absence and lack of parental responsibility, is there a specific reason why you wouldn't want them to be in touch? Was he abusive 'or manipulative - anything like thst? If you have genuine fears, maybe DD needs to know. Otherwise, you'll have to be the bigger person and stand by what you've told her?

Sorry, ultimately her decision

Thanks everybody, no reason why i wouldnt want him to be in touch. Just a bit cheesed off that sometimes its been a struggle for us financially over the years, and a bit jealous i guess . I know that sounds daft but its how i feel right now.

Not daft, it sounds like a natural reaction. You have nothing to be jealous of though, he's the one who has missed out on all those years that although were a struggle, have rewarded you with a good relationship with your daughter (at least it sounds like your relationship is strong). She's probably cheesed off with him too. Or, even better, she might be indifferent about him.

Does DD know he never paid a penny? Has she got a realistic impression of her father's character? I ask because my friend's DDs grew up with a very rose-coloured view of their absent father, totally at odds with the reality, because my friend thought it was wrong to badmouth him. Caused quite a few problems

Yes i have told her all about him and she knows he never paid a penny, but i also said there are two sides to every story and he may have a different version. She has grown into a lovely well adjusted girl though who's doing really well and im dead chuffed with what she's become. I just cant understand why after 18 years he's suddenly interested.

Because there are no longer any financial implications or parental 'inconveniences'..?

It sounds like you have been factual but fair to him when you have discussed him with her, so he won't be able to convince her that he is amazing and you are poisonous.

It's difficult to guess his reasons for getting in touch but I would guess it's more to do with inflating his ego and feeling like a good guy for deciding he will grace her with his presence, rather than wanting to doit for her benefit. She's managed this far without him, there's not much that she needs from him now. I almost said to my dad, what's in it for me? Unless you are going to pay for my mum something to make up for 2 decades of struggling financially I don't see how you will enrich my life...

Why get in touch? Maybe he has a conscience after all? Maybe it's unfinished business? Now there's no need to pay maintenance or change a nappy any more could be a factor. Could also be that he thinks, as an adult, your DD is less likely to be influenced by you. Without wishing to be offensive, at any time did he think or claim that you refused him access?

Its ok cogito he never thought i denied him access, we had arrangements when dd was a toddler for him to come and take her out but most of the time he never turned up and then i couldn't get hold of him. So i just got on with life

Glad you're not offended :) Your DD sounds well informed and sensible, you don't mention any specific grievance or concern that might make him a threat and I think it might be best to take the contact on face value and see what happens. It could be as simple as sheer curiosity