Child spending time with his girlfriend

[mum4firsttime]

I wonder if any of you can please help with this dilemma. My DH started having a live in affair a few months ago when they both (he and this girl) worked for the same business as me. It's been a traumatic time and he is still with her, but I thought we were getting to a point where we can move on and be adult about this. We are going to get divorced when he gets a job (he recently resigned). We have a DS of 4 and he spends time with both of us (I am key carer). Whereas before I refused to let DH spend time with his girlfriend and our DS I soon realised that this wasn't going to work as he was going to do it anyway behind my back. I now ask that if he is going to spend time with her and DS just let me know before hand rather than DS tell me on his return out of a matter of courtesy.
Yet again today DH has come back from a day out having spent it with her and my DS, visiting old good friends of ours etc. and although he went to great pains to tell me who he was seeing and what he was doing he never mentions her. When probed he says either he doesn't want to rub my nose in it and its none if my business who he sees with our son. Why does he continue to hide things from me regards this girl as clearly it does nothing to rebuild my trust? What can I do to diffuse this situation so it makes me less angry as its driving me mad?
It's weird he still wants to involve me in decisions like what type of back operation he should have after seeing a specialist - saying it impacts me and he values my opinion, yet I think it's crazy he is not prepared to tell me who he sees with our child!
Thanks!

You have to switch off or it will drive you crazy. Are you still living in the same house or something? If not, then its time for you to move this forward yourself and only communicate specfically about ds. Explain simply that this is what you are going to do, otherwise with all the questions, probing etc you are giving the message that you are interested, hence why he is then telling you everything!

If you're angry it's because you've been deceived, rejected and replaced and - if I'm reading it right - you're all still living and working together which is highly stressful. He is not under any obligation to chat on about his new girlfriend. You know where he is with your DS, you know who he is with and you know what they are doing. For him to talk about her would be really crass and insensitive behaviour.

Also, don't view it in your own mind that he is hiding things and somehow has to rebuild trust, that isn't relevant in the relationship you have now as parents of your ds. Who he sees when, where etc etc is not seen as relevant in child arrangements after divorce as he won't have any say later on should you meet someone new.

Thanks both. What you are saying makes complete sense. He doesn't live at home anymore, he moved back to his parents but I know he is now living at hers again as its really obvious when I speak to his parents. He and the girl also resigned from where we work before Xmas so that does help.
However he always wants to involve himself at home helping with me and DS all the time and wants to know everything i am doing which is why it does my head in. I dont want the detail about her but as i have joint parental responsibility I just want to know when she is with our DS so I know how to cope with the questions and comments I already get from my DS when he gets home - this is what DH doesn't experience as I am not with someone else and its so painful even hearing her name and opinions on things through DS.
Guess I need to draw a line and completely separate him and this girl from my life - a middle ground is not going to work! x

However he always wants to involve himself at home helping with me and DS all the time and wants to know everything i am doing which is why it does my head in.

Well this stops right now. I guess it may be his house too which makes things difficult until the divorce goes through, but he does to get to take part in family life any more. He can't have his cake and eat it. He does not get to know anything about your life and he can discuss his back op with his new bird.

Would it help if you just assumed the gf is always there and expect that from your son. I can't see how asking to be notified would work and it rather plays into your ex's hands.

^ he does not

Yes I think that would help. Can't see how i can move on otherwise. Thanks.

You need some new boundaries. His operation: not your problem. Any aspect of your life (other than impacting the DC or care arrangements): not his business.

He treated you very badly. Continue being reasonable about DC-related things, but Why give him the benefit of your friendship, information or input on anything else?

It is unreasonable of you to ask him to tell you about anything to do with OW am afraid, hard to handle but you'll just have to deal with hearing things from DS sadly.

On the upside, at least you're the one still with a job!

I remember your other posts about the job, glad she's going too now!

Sorry, but it's really not your business to be told who he is with. I know that's hard. But you won't have peace until you accept it.

Here's my top tip: (I have 5yo and there's a new gf, though not OW)
Whenever your son mentions her, congratulate yourself on creating a safe and harmonious environment where he has no idea that you should care at all that he has seen her. It really does help! I'm so pleased my child isn't caught up in conflicting emotions post divorce and happily tells me how she's been playing sisters (grrrrr!) with the gf's daughter! Honestly, it is better for the child, this way. You've done a great job not passing any anxiety to your boy

As for the operation. Tell him you don't know, if you want to be very neutral. Or just say - I'm not interested. My ex (we lived together for a few months post split) expected me to dress a wound for him. I laughed and told him to go see the practice nurse!

Yes I suppose that is true but I also need him to get a job soon to continue to support us financially. Thanks.

Thanks Cabrinha. Your advice does help. Hard though it is to move on.

Have to also say to all you mumsnet folk you have really helped when I have been so low so thanks all. Xx Even reading other posts really helps - you realise you are not going mad!