For those with Toxic/Narc Mothers - did you go NC? What happened next?

[SockyWockyDooDaaa]

As I read other threads and knew that one day something would happen.

What I was not expecting was her to involve another family member, to put pressure on my DCs about being NC. They were messaged through FB in a group chat asking them to pop around and see her because "it would make her day". I was not included in this conversation.

What do other MNers who are NC think of this, is this normal?

Thanks.

If you read other threads you will see that these other family members are the "flying monkeys" recruited by your Narc to make contact and try to lure you back into contact on a pretext. They are going via the DC as you have shown you cannot be fooled.
Good luck and be strong!

Look at the stately homes thread. You will see the many different ways a narc can act.... Yet will end up not being surprised by any of it.

All I'll say is that the violent ones are so much easier to handle.

Thanks for your responses, I have lived with her being violent. I used to be black and blue when I was little, of course no one believed me. She has always portrayed me to everyone as a liar, that I make everything up. My bruises were blamed on being clumsy. Really? She would hit me so hard I would have bruises in the shape of her hand. Of course, my siblings never believe me when I try and talk to her about her Narc traits. I see this as they enable her behaviour and it becomes a circle of abuse. I am the scapegoat to whatever sibling is the GC that week.

Before going NC, I would get spat at, elbowed or just barged roughly or pushed into things when out, all put down to "being an accident" that of course never happens if we are out with other people. If I react I am either "mean" or "lying". When my DCs were little if she crossed a road in front of me she would always get on the pavement and just stand there, leaving me almost in the middle of the road still! She used to try and push me off the pavement and in front of moving cars when I was little, I used to feel her knee in my back pushing me forwards. I was only pre-school age. Or I would be left somewhere in town and she would just walk off and leave me. She must always have been able to see me as soon as I was approached by shop staff or police she would pretend that I had run off and tell me of in front of them. Disturbing, isn't it?

Thanks for suggestion of the Stately thread, and I will have a read of the Flying Monkeys.

Thanks all.

Socky, I have nothing to add by way of advice but am so relieved to see you went nc after reading your last post. You must be incredibly strong to have forged a family life for yourself, and your children are safely away from your mother. I too have read about the Flying Monkeys on other threads. I am sure you will find an appropriate way to deal with them.

Wishing you peace.

How old are your children?

If you haven't already, tell your children the stuff she did to you (I'm assuming they are teens if they are on Facebook). That should help them to fend off the flying monkeys.

We don't tell child abuse survivors that's its ok because they were strong. It's not ok and it never was, strong or not strong.

Good luck op. More story telling I think, to get it off your chest.

How old are your children?

I think you need to tell your children ahead of time that you want to speak to them. Then arrange an evening, after dinner. (setting them up like this lets them know that this is serious and prepares them for something big - because this is big).

Then in between make a list of what happened between your mother and you, methodically. It's likely to be rather emotional to do it, but just keep persisting.

At the meeting tell them that relatives are trying to get in touch with them because their grandmother wants to see them. Then explain what went on both with the things that happened and most of all the dynamics of playing golden child and scapegoat.

If you can, also point to incidents where they might have seen something a bit odd, something that didn't add up even if it wasn't quite obvious. Let them begin to see what has gone on.

Then point out that her story will be different. Refer to times when they have had an unpleasant incident at school but other people have disbelieved it or not seen what's going on. Your situation with your mother is like that.

Give them time to take this in. Let them ask questions, even skeptical ones. They may have a lot to take in and it may take them time, but you'll be starting the process of questioning off.

I would recommend letting them make their own decision about contact. You could say that you're not happy about them having contact but that it is their decision and in their hands.

Taking it pretty seriously letes them know that what happened to you is NOT ok.

Also, consider therapy for yourself. it's not the answer for everyone but it can be very helpful.

Good luck.

Socky . It was thoughtless of me to say what I did, given the nature of your mother. Evidently she was the worst kind of sadist. Mine wasn't; it was simply easier in her eyes to hit us very very hard to ensure compliance. As long as we behaved or she didn't have PMS we were safe.

Sorry I have not responded earlier, thank you all for your comments.

Thank you for the "flying monkeys" clarification, it is exactly the same pattern. I am hoping the DCs have not heard from her again, time will tell if she will contact them again.

I have spoken to DD1 this morning at length about the whole situation and I think I said too much. I am worried that I have flooded her with information when she should be focussing on other important things in her life. We have quite a stressful home life (OH was made redundant, I have returned to work all within two months) and also two of my 4DCs have ASD with defiant/controlling tendencies. Life is a bit too hard for all of us at the moment.

Thank you all for your kind words.