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Original poster

The waiting game - how long is too long?

14 replies

frazzledmomma · 10/01/2015 16:58

The man of my dreams and friend for years who I have secretly liked for ages (though never imagined anything would happen) has just got out of a ten year relationship. Today he told me he has feelings for me. I reciprocated his words/feelings. He said it would not be right to do anything about it now and that it would not be right either to ask me to wait around until the time is right/his ex-p is okay and he is in a healthy place - he said this could take up to a year. So there we are - stalemate and confused. What next?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 10/01/2015 17:09

What are you both waiting for though?

I wouldn't wait a day.

Original poster
frazzledmomma · 10/01/2015 17:22

His ex-p is devastated and he does not want to cause more hurt. He has been in a ten year relationship and says he doesn't want to jump out of one ltr into another - that it wouldn't be right on me or ex-p.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 10/01/2015 17:37

Ok, so he want's a bit of the single life. Fair enough, and probably very wise. But you can't just sit around waiting for something that might not happen and miss your chance elsewhere. I'd tell him you're not waiting around for him, but you hope he'll get in touch in a year's time.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2015 17:38

I wouldn't wait at all

Get on with your life, accept invitations from other men if you wish. Stay in loose contact with this bloke and if it's meant to happen it will

Lweji · 10/01/2015 17:39

Yes, don't wait. If you are still single when/if he's ready, then go ahead.
It's nice for him to reassure himself that there's a back up plan as he's leaving, but for all you know he can easily find someone else more appealing.

NoPinkPlease · 10/01/2015 17:42

I get this. I'm just out of a 13 year relationship and although my choice, is still a v big emotional shift and change in life. I know, I could not start another relationship for a while, no matter who I met / liked...

tigermoll · 10/01/2015 19:20

I don't quite understand why he told you about his feelings in the first place, unless he was looking for a bit of an ego boost/reassurance about his own attractiveness. Totes understandable following a breakup, if a little uncool to use you (a long standing friend) to get it.

Him: I really like you.
You: Wow, that's awesome - I really like you too. I have done for ages.
Him: Good. That's what I thought. Still, I don't want to actually, y'know, do anything about it. I just wanted to hear you say it.
You: So, do you want to like, date me or something?
HIm: No. I'm too messed up after the breakup.
You: We could wait for a bit before dating?
Him: Christ, don't do that. I mean - I couldn't possibly ask you to do that. I won't be ready for at least a year.
You: Did you just pluck that time period out of the air?
Him: Nope.
You: Well, now I'm confused.
Him: But the takehome message is that you like me, right?

beaglesaresweet · 10/01/2015 23:23

tigermoll, excellent! Grin

beaglesaresweet · 10/01/2015 23:28

OP, what's a year? I think he wanted to let you know because he wanted to for a while but only now he feels he can do it (after leaving partner), that's quite nice, honest. I think he just couldn't wait to tell you, and then he's hoping you MIGHT wait for a while, but obviously it's your choice.
How likely is it that you meet someone you love in this one year? obviously if it does happen, nothing to stop you, this guy will have to be disappointed but tough. If you were not dating anyway, just be single as you were, he may actually be ready sooner anyway.

beaglesaresweet · 10/01/2015 23:29

sorry, too many words on repeat, it's been a long day!

Twinklestein · 10/01/2015 23:35

I can understand why he would want to take up to a year to sort himself out after a long relationship. But I doubt I would personally wait around for a year on the offchance that someone might offer me a relationship at the end of it.

CheersMedea · 11/01/2015 18:15

I'm sorry to say that I strongly suspect that the chances of anything happening between you are low.

This is my take on the most likely scenario as to how this will play out:

After a 10 year relationship, he will be like a kid in a candy store - particularly bearing in mind that 10 years ago, internet dating was not common. This will be a new toy for him amongst other ways of dating. He's like to be dating up a storm very shortly, casual and all for fun.

He's unlikely to discuss any of this with you - now he knows you like him - for obvious reasons (not wanting to hurt you and/or blow up his back-up ego stroke plan) and you will grow apart. He'll periodically check in with you to keep the flame alive in you - just in case.

Meanwhile, because you like him, you will at the back of your mind have this little brain weevil worming in and out of your conscious mind singing a little background tune he likes me. You will be hoping something will happen between you and won't really be interested in anyone else. You'll try to date but nothing will really stick because you are hoping...hoping...hoping.

Then one day, amongst all the casual dating, he'll meet a woman he is really into and get very serious very quickly.

You'll be utterly heartbroken and alone. And he'll skip on his merry way into the sunset.

TL:DR: Don't wait for him. If he really liked you, you'd be together right now.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2015 19:14

medea has it

HelenaDove · 11/01/2015 19:20

Yep Medea nails it. He wants to be able to know that he can "pick up" and "drop" you as the mood takes him.

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