Freezing your feelings

[mytartanscarf]

Probably not quite the right place but I just don't know where else to put it.

I have been having counselling and my counsellor has been trying, gently, to get me to express my feelings. He has noted that I never cry or become tearful or upset and we established that this was not because I had an audience - I never do. This is related really to the deaths of both parents when I was very young.

We've established I suppose that I've just numbed a part of myself. I know this prevents me forming relationships - I don't feel things properly any more.

So I know this but how do I change it? I know in counselling I'm supposed to find the answers myself but I just don't know. I wondered if anyone who had been through anything similar could help.

"when you lose you parents you lose your safety net. There's no one to catch you when you fuck up. No one who loves you regardless."

so true

I think I know what you mean OP. I'm not exactly like you as I have anxiety problems and can get quite upset and cry, but I have definitely pushed down/"frozen" a lot of feelings from a very difficult childhood. Just recently, in my 40s, I've been forced to confront some of them because of a certain family situation which I won't go into. It has been bloody horrible, I've had a rough time and needed a lot of MH support.

What I'm saying is if you have suppressed feelings or suppressed the ability to feel them in that way, then please be gentle on yourself. IMO they will come to the surface when they are ready, and it may be gradual, happen in fits and starts or take you by surprise, and it may be difficult to deal with. It's not always easy to just "make it happen" and perhaps not always wise. Three months isn't long, and I think if you continue with counselling it may really help, but let it take its time.

This isn't meant to sound flippant at all – I had a conversation with a friend recently about identifying with Elsa in "Frozen"! Then I googled it and found it's actually A Thing - there are several blog posts about it. I found that supportive and interesting.

I also definitely second Kouign's suggestion of A Woman In Your Own Right - it is a massively helpful, supportive book that has done so much for me. Also a mindfulness course might be good for you. I was slightly suspicious when this was recommended to me as I thought it might be a bit woo and touchy-feely - it wasn't at all and it really helped.

It isn't flippant - I had to modify my original post title as I didn't want lots of "let it gooooo!" responses but it is immensely true.

There is a book called Dear Me, which is a collection of letters people wrote to their 16year old self.

I wrote one to myself and actually cried like a baby for hours afterwards. I realised that a lot of the grief I hold is not just for my parents, but for me. For the person I was before these things happened, I lost her as well as my parents.

It sounds trite but I have done a certain amount of forgiving of myself. I've made lots of mistakes and my life is not what it could have been (or I might have been miserable for entirely different reasons).

However, I can now look at my 25 year old self (or in your case 19) and say it's ok, you did the best you could, none of this has been fair.

It's allowed me to move foreword a lot in the past year or so (I'm 40).

Be kind to yourself.

Ooh yes. Elsa on Frozen is definitely a thing. I watched it with my boys and started shaking during Let It Go (I hadn't heard it before).

Everyone thought I'd lost the plot!

Op have you tried yoga - I know this is slightly off tangent but yoga is all about being aware of how your body feels and linked in with some meditation allows your mind to become free - its not something that will happen overnight but maybe with your counselling will give you what you are looking for. I know what you are talking about when you say you dont feel and this is self protection - the brains way of dealing with something that may have been too traumatic for you to feel fully at the time and somehow you have got stuck in this groove.