Coming out of the FOG but confused..

[tangledmess]

I am in the process of untangling a lot of crap in my life - ending a long term relationship with an abusive partner and coming to terms with the reality of my abusive childhood. I have a baby dc. Attending freedom programme which is amazingly insightful. It's hard at the moment though, I just seem to be analysing everything trying to work it all out. Hopefully I am starting to come out of the devastation/depressed/hollow stage and trying to being stronger and happier. Feel very up and down though

The thing that really confuses me is this, and I wondered if I could have an opinion:

My MIL is being very supportive. She is very feisty and doesn't take any nonsense from anyone. She does see things from my side but minimises the abuse a lot, especially the violence. She says that he just got 'a bit frustrated'. I don't think she wants to come to terms with it. Understandably I suppose.

Also, she admitted to me that her husband (my ex's father) hit her once, years ago, after she slapped him. I also know from other sources that he has also hit other past partners. (There was cheating and drinking issues from both sides it was generally volatile)
The thing is, he does come across as a caring man and seems to be insightful about my feelings in the breakup and is very disappointed in his son for treating me like shit. I know, I know, this double standard thing is often the problem with abusive people but this one really does confuse me!

Also, I have known them both for many years and if anything he appears to be the one that is controlled by my feisty MIL. She quite often shouts at him and criticises him in front of everyone (in a 'jokey' way but not really.. IYSWIM). She certainly doesn't take any crap from anyone and if anything she is controlling of him (and everyone else) rather than the other way around. She is a caring lady, generally, if very full on. He tends to keep his mouth shut and slope off and watch telly or something.

I just don't get it... I know that something is not right here but I can't put my finger on it....

From what I am learning, everything else to do with my ex and parents make sense but this does not..

It's not surprising that you're up and down and questioning everything. Your eyes have been opened to the mechanics of abuse, and the shock of realising you were a victim yourself. You have a lot to unravel still; give yourself time.

What's your question regarding your PIL, exactly? Are you trying to pinpoint who is the abuser and who is the abused?

You may never know. It is their relationship: leave them to it. Focus on rebuilding yourself, and deciding for yourself what you think is right and what you think is wrong, in terms of how you behave, and how others behave to you.

Let others to their own dysfunctional relationships: this has nothing to do with you. And I don't see what positive things you have to gain from judging what goes on in someone else's marriage.

I also think you should have a lot less to do with PIL (read: nothing) since they are going to side with their son in this, and they are therefore unlikely to be a positive influence on your self-esteem and for your re-building process. Particularly since they have their own vested interest in being apologists for domestic violence.

I'm glad you are finding the Freedom Programme useful.

Thank you goatsdoroam, yes I guess that is what I am questioning.... Who is abusing who? This whole subject is just overtaking me at the moment and I just feel really strange about it all. It doesn't help that I seem to be surrounded by abusers ie. My family and in laws aswell as ex! Thanks for your reply that's really helpful. Have to keep reminding myself to focus on myself and ds.
It's like the old me has gone and I'm trying to get used to the new me.

Yes, figuring out the new you is exactly what it's like, and it will take time and probably a lot more pondering, as well as trial and error.

You will get there. You can create for yourself a life that's free from domination and control, even if it seems right now that every person you know has those tendencies. There are a lot of people out there who aren't like that, and you can slowly build a new circle that only includes those kinds of people.

Good luck!

Sounds like projection from your mother in laws side, but one thing I have learnt is that you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Their relationship is not for you to worry about. Keep yourself as number one and look after you. They can do what they want.

Hello and thank you for your messages x

I am getting better and still going to the freedom programme but still getting the self doubt sometimes..

I am keeping a distance from my MIL now as I found it was making me stressed out and she can be controlling and tries to organise me although I think she means well. She is being very helpful but I realised I was feeling like a child in front of her which isn't good.

I'm not quite sure if I am being really unfair but today she called me and asked me lots of questions about how I am getting on with ex, how is job search going, have I applied for my benefits, is ex still paying for xyz et etc etc. Again, I felt like a child almost having to answer to her. The tone of voice is a bit like she is talking to a 12 year old aswell. Which is ok if you are 12 but I am not, and I am a mother myself. Then I put the phone down and felt annoyed when I relayed the conversation back because I thought, actually, it's none of your business! .

It's hard though because I think she means well she is not saying it in a horrible way but I think she wants to play the motherly role where I need her. Is it bad to feel annoyed by this? I feel very disloyal!
She calls me frequently keeps wanting to know how I am and worries about me a lot. But I am starting to find it draining.

Maybe because I have always been controlled by family/partner etc I am just hyper sensitive to it, and I am craving a bit of independence and self decision making now. I don't need 'overseeing!'
Especially after what I am learning on the Freedom Programme.