Driving DH away by being miserable after miscarriage

[babybellsmum]

DH and I have been together 4.5 years, married only 6 months and have a 16 mo dd. I fell pregnant late October and we lost the baby on boxing day. Horrendous, horrendous time. Since my teens I have suffered on and off with depression and the loss has sent me to my all time low. I've got through the crying every day, all the time, stage but now I just seem to be angry all the time. The house is a right state because it's taking all my strength just to look after dd. DH works extremely long hours (14+ hours 5/6 days a week) and has started getting stressed about the house being a mess which is causing massive arguments. I seem to snap at him for no particular reason and for a while he was very patient and didn't react but now, understandably, he has started snapping back. I know I am in the wrong so I don't need to be told that. I can see what I'm doing, taking all my pain and frustration out on the person I love most. I did it to my parents when I was a teenager but they had to love me unconditionally because I was their daughter but DH doesn't have to put up with me! After a massive row last night we said we will have a proper chat when he gets home tonight. I just don't know what to do/say to make it better. Any advice greatly appreciated.

'For a while he was very patient'...it's still early days. Don't feel like you should be 'over it' already. Try to be kind to yourself. Can you get some help around the house if having the place tidier would make you feel better?

You are grieving. It is awful. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm not an expert on bereavements but you are right in the midst of it and it must feel like you are at the bottom of a pit. You are both in your separate pits, but I expect you have the added worry that you are going to slide into a major depression with this.

What support do you have apart from your DH? Have you been to your GP? Do you have parents or friends who can support you and help you with your toddler? Coping with a 16month old is a full time job anyway, and it must be so hard to do when you are trying to recover from a miscarriage. Tell your Health Visitor. Can you have a friend come round or can one of your mum mates step in at all?

You can ring CRUSE - the bereavement charity. Or I'm sure there are support boards about miscarriage on here that might have suggestions. Anything to reassure you that you are NOT alone. You are not. It may feel like it, but you need to reach out just a little bit and you will find support.

Also, if you are going to have a 'proper chat' this evening - I would say that since you are recently bereaved, now is not the time to be making any major life decisions. You are in the middle of things, the future is not clear and you are both suffering. Have the chat about how you and perhaps your DH are going to access support since this is so horrible for you both.

darling, you are grieving. it effects people in lots of different ways. for goodness sake it has only been a couple of weeks. hormones will be all over the place as well. two weeks in and I was still miserable.

have you contacted the miscarriage association? I seem to remember their website was quite helpful.

Oh babybell, I'm really sorry to read about what happened to you on Boxing Day, how truly awful .

It is still so fresh and raw. Especially for you, but also your DH. You need time.

Before the MC, were you having similar problems with your DP? Are you usually able to talk to him about stuff? I can imagine you are feeling anxious as to what you are going to say to each other tonight. It might be useful for you to write stuff down?

When you have been depressed in the past, how have you usually dealt with it?

I would suggest a trip to the GP to discuss how to move forward with your depression, counselling may work for you. Perhaps bereavement counselling? Sorry I do not have a lot of experience with this so I hope I am making some sort of sense.

Please do not blame yourself. You are not in the wrong. You have a right to be angry and tearful. You are experiencing grief. Ask your DH to cut you some slack on the housework front. It really doesn't matter in the long run and not worth the arguments.

I don't know what more advice to give you - I don't feel properly qualified to advise you at all but I didn't want to read your sorrowful post and run.

Thank you both for your responses...Loving, I'm not blaming him for eventually snapping, I'm amazed he held his tongue so long! You are right, Poppy, he is grieving too. Being a man he deals with things differently I guess.

My parents have had dd a few days since it happened which helped, unfortunately my 3 best friends that live nearby are all pregnant so I think I've pushed them away to stop my getting jealous/upset. All of them have offered loads of support but I just find it quite hard :(

Have been to gp, I'm back on antidepressants and have been referred to a counsellor.

You are grieving, and your husband is as well I imagine. You sound as though you are doing the main thing, looking after your daughter, so try not to stress about the house too much. Anyone around that can give you a hand? Both need to be kind to yourselves and each other. So sorry that this happened.

Oops- missed your last post op!

Thank you ladies. This little bit of advice and support is really lovely. My little lady has just gone down for her nap so I'm going to join her, will respond properly later

Doing something practical when you're depressed is actually really therapeutic. I would break the housework into small amounts and get some done each day.

So sorry for you baby

You're not driving away your DH, he is being rather impatient with you. If he insists on a 'chat' just tell him you are still feeling raw, naturally, from the m/c and you need him to be more sensitive and understanding, even if you are snappy and angry. Maybe he can just give you a hug instead of snapping back, and let you cry it out and talk about it.

I am recently bereaved of our tiny DD, and like you just could not be bothered with the house and found it hard to care for our older DC. I'm still struggling and will for a long time. I'm also on Anti-d's and for the first month I did nothing at all. DH didn't say a word. He would come in from work, after 14hrs and get on with the DC bedtime, doing the dishes, he'd vacuum, do the washing and ironing.

After awhile I set myself one goal a day, accomplish one thing. Whether that is cleaning out a cupboard, running an errand, wiping the skirting, dusting. Even if it only takes 15mins and you spend the rest of the day on the couch, that one thing will give you a sense of accomplishment for the day.

Herroyal, I'm so sorry for your loss.

We've had a chat and he got quite upset about how upset I was, and has agreed to lay off about the housework. He says 'I'll just have to do more if you're not up to it, I completely understand, but please just be nice to me'. That broke my heart, I hate falling out and always feel like a total bitch every time I do it. I'm going to follow through with the counselling, they rang today to arrange a telephone chat and arrange a session, hopefully not a long wait. Ugh, everyone I know seems to be pregnant atm! :(

It is very hard and really, it is still very recent for you and your DH. Miscarriage initially drove me into a spiral. I was physically going through it, DH was away. Afterwards he had returned to work and I would find myself doing nothing when my DD's were away.
DH became upset because he also seemed to have 'lost' me as well as the baby. I felt fucking awful but it was a wake up call. I was not alone, despite what my thoughts were telling me. I started to motivate myself by texting him when I'd done a random piece of housework. Bless him, he would congratulate me on every sock in the laundry at first.Your DH is grieving and probably very worried.
No matter how trivial, communicate things be they mundane, or revelations. Communicate every positive, until you stop having to notice them conciously. Communicate the moments that floor you so he can help.
Go very easy on yourself and although there are bumps out there it sounds as though your friends will be happy to help you. Take good care of you.

for your loss. I have your DH's tshirt. In my case, as the one with endemic depression, I recognised DW's anguish before she did. Pause 10 seconds befpre speaking, hug each other every hour etc. Remember that although he's grieving, he doesn't feel it physically. I needed that explaining.

I'm glad that you've had the chat and things are clearer regarding expectations. Take your time.

I'm back at work this week, and first day was fine until I saw a woman with a 7mth bump, just as I should have. Luckily it was home time, so I could cry in the lift and walking to the car.

Keep communicating with each other and comforting too.

OP I had a cold on Boxing Day and I haven't got over that yet. How are you supposed to get over losing a baby in that time? I hope this won't offend anyone but while my dp was very upset over our mcs, it was perhaps 5% of what I was feeling. Years later (and with a successful pg at last) I remember every due date, every place I was when I started to bleed - he does not.
The counselling sounds like a good idea. If you're being as "normal" as you can manage for your dd, then that's the most you can be expected to do just now.

Sticking, that sounds like a great idea re the texting...when I've been depressed before and had a sudden urge to sort the house out I have let him know what I've done and he's always been so 'proud' of me and said 'wow, the house looks great' etc when he got home (even though it really didn't and I'd done a minimal amount but his appreciation and support really made me feel good)

Disgrace, thank you...I need to remember my counting to 10 thing and the hug an hour sounds great!

Thank you all for the advice and support, it means a lot. And I'm so sorry for any of you that have been through this too, it's just horrible isn't it.

you poor love, i'm sorry your dp is not supporting you. I have had too many miscarriages and it takes a whille to get over them completely.
A loss on boxing day is very new, take care of yourself and if you can try and explain to your dp just how low you are feeling.

BellesMum

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage :(

Your DH doesn't need you 'to be nice to him' though, he's being a massive twat. It's been two weeks. Two weeks! That's no time at all. It's a tiny amount of time to grieve and your hormones will still be all over the place.

He should be taking care of you, being extra loving and kind, doing what needs doing willingly. Not making you feel crap.

Stop feeling bad about the housework and start feeling angry at his lack of support!

Chipping, by that he means 'please stop treating me like a piece of shit, just because you're upset doesn't mean I'm not so please stop taking it out on me'. I am a complete bitch at times, for no good reason, like I said further up i get angry at myself soon after I've done it. I'm in no way slating my DH, he is more supportive and loving than I could describe. But if my behaviour continues I will break him and I really don't want to do that.

(DH) has started getting stressed about the house being a mess which is causing massive arguments. I seem to snap at him for no particular reason and for a while he was very patient and didn't react but now, understandably, he has started snapping back

DH doesn't have to put up with me! After a massive row last night we said we will have a proper chat when he gets home tonight. I just don't know what to do/say to make it better

Held his tongue so long

BellsMum. He's you DH. You are defending him and that's understandable. However, you are not seeing The Big Picture here. You really aren't.

You had a miscarriage Two weeks ago.

He has NOT Held his tongue 'so long'. Two weeks is nothing, nothing at all.

He should NOT be 'snapping back'.

He should NOT be getting stressy at you about the state if the house.

He should NOT be huffing about 'having to do it if you're not up to it'.

You should NOT be made to feel grateful he's 'putting up with you'.

You lost your baby two weeks ago. YOU were the one carrying it, YOU were the one who had started to bond with it, YOU were the one whose body went through the trauma and YOU are the one whose body has massive amounts of very confused hormones flying around inside it. YOU, not him. YOU.

At this stage he should be looking after you, doing all he can to make sure you feel loved, secure and as comfortable as you can be. He should be doing as much as he possibly can at home and trying to work shorter days to help you look after DD.

Stop making excuses for him.

I am very sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage 6 years ago. It takes time, and everyone grieves differently and copes in different ways. I got a lot of support from the Miscarriage Association, www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ you could call them, go on their online forum etc. They have some very useful information, especially around how the different partners in the relationship may grieve and how this may affect them. These may be useful to you, and help you and your partner to support each other through this. You have made some good steps seeing your GP and getting access to counselling. Also, talking through with your partner is the right way to go, perhaps you could give them a call before your chat? I sympathise with the being around pregnant women problem, this was very hard for me too at the time. It's very early days yet. Take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself.

Oh just saw you've already spoken to your partner,(apologies, skim reading the responses from other posters).

In what ways are you being horrible to him, it's not very clear - you just say you snap at him for no reason? Tbh if you snap at him right now his response should be to come over and give you a hug. I was disappointed in some of my dh's reactions, that said he was still the only other person in the works who mourned our potential babies' loss, so I will always feel close to him for that.
Chipping is making very good points. Your whole thread is about your dh rather than your miscarriage, which seems very telling.

ChippingIn is absolutely spot on. Stop worrying about your DH and let yourself have time to heal at your own pace.

I think women do themselves a great disservice by not talking about miscarriage. It makes miscarriage seem like a little blip in life, and as long as you haven't announced the pregnancy then it will all blow over quickly. Well I think that's bullshit. Even an early loss is still the loss of your baby, and the hopes and plans you had for your family.

If you think it could help, would you be able to organise some childcare so you can have time alone to regroup? I found it very stressful putting on a 'front' for our children during depression, and would have taken a lot longer to heal of I hadn't had several days each week when I could be alone with my thoughts and to sleep. Eventually this meant I also had time to start picking up the pieces with walks, small shopping missions, haircut, etc to get things back to normal.

Have you seen your GP about how you're feeling? I found my GP to be very sympathetic to depression, and I was reassured just by her acceptance that my behaviour was normal and not of great concern to her. She prescribed antidepressants for me, but to be honest I think it was trusting her opinion that I was reacting normally and following her advice to let myself grieve before slowly reassembling life that helped. If you have a nice GP it is something to consider.

Take care of yourself, and don't let you or your DH minimise this. It is as big or as small an event as it feels to you, so don't apologise or try to do more housework to smooth things over