Sexual orientation/fear of the new. Help me out!

[Highsmith]

Hi. NC, because, honestly, I am a more than a bit nervous.

I'm currently dating after coming out of a long relationship. Almost all of my adult sexual partners have been men, and I've never had a proper relationship with a woman. I came out to my parents as a teenager, and they were not supportive (told me it was a 'phase' and I was too young to know, which meant effectively that I couldn't have normal teenage relationships). I am quite aware that it was not a phase and that I am attracted to women (as well as men), but I feel as if I've missed the boat! I find it so much easier to talk to women than men, and most of my friends are women. But I don't know if that is relevant?

I'm posting because I'd like some reassurance that this isn't just me. I have this stupid feeling I am somehow a fraud and should stick to dating men. I know that's nonsensical, but I can't shift it.

Nope, you know yourself.

Parents aren't always right. They're flawed too.

They would want you to be happy though. So go forth!

Thank you, that is so reassuring.

I think I am over-thinking it all. I can't shake this nagging feeling that I'm getting it wrong. It's probably very silly!

Date whoever appeals to you! I'm bi, I've never declared it in anyway or felt I needed to. Everyone who knows me just knows and if they don't, they don't need to.

Who you are attracted to at any particular point in time is no-ones business but your own and fluctuating 'preferences' or even a complete turnaround are not fraudulent.

To be true to yourself is possibly the very least fraudulent act imaginable

Thanks, amantes.

I would absolutely give this advice to anyone else who posted my post. I just want to know it's not just me who has these worries.

Does it matter if you are getting it wrong? Have a go and have some fun while you're exploring!

I'd not know where to start but can only encourage you to find out for yourself.

Look at her who's dating Sue Perkins. I can't remember her name right now but she was right when she said gender didn't matter, it's the person that you are attracted to.

Well, maybe not, redhen! I just don't know.

What I worry is that there will be women who think I am just playing at their lives, and they will feel offended by it.

I'm quite comfortable being attracted to women, but I've always let someone else make the first move.

(Thank you so much for replying, and mrsc, btw. It is so helpful - I was feeling very alone.)

It isnt just you. There's a lot of pressure isn't there? To keep everyone informed. To provide a label people can understand. I think this societal pressure causes stress and worry for a lot of people. People who identify as straight aren't put through this. They aren't expected to 'come out'. Why should anyone else be made to feel they should, in order to justify their most personal aspect to others?!

What I worry is that there will be women who think I am just playing at their lives, and they will feel offended by it.

If you have genuine attraction to them and genuine feeling, then you aren't playing. If someone finds it offensive that you are or have been attracted to both genders, maybe their outlook is that of someone you wouldn't want to be involved with anyway?

Yes, that's it!

Though, I have been quite happily 'labelling' myself as bisexual since I was a teenager. It's really only my parents who wouldn't accept that label. BUt somehow I feel as if I must be kidding myself. I can't really understand myself here.

Oh, sorry, I cross posted with you.

Yes, that is very sensible - I wouldn't want to be with someone who judged me for that.

It sounds very silly, but I can't shake this idea that I would somehow stop being attracted? I don't know why I am worrying about that, and of course I've had plenty of dates with men where I realized I wasn't interested after all.

People fall out of lust with people all the time. When two people meet and think they like each other, what is what ensues, unless an experiment of sorts?

No game playing involved, just people finding out if they're right for each other, whatever the gender mix.

You're only playing with people lives if you lead them under false impressions.

Yes there is a certain 'scene' contingent of lesbian mafia who try and out lesbian each other but every groups got it nutters!

Ime sexuality is more complicated than the pigeon holes society has come up with to cope with discussing it.

For instance if pushed to find a label to sit under I will squirm uncomfortably under 'bisexual' sit not quite comfortably under 'homoflexible' and upon discussion you would discover I am interested in relationships with women, look at women when I walk down to street, imagine my future with a woman and occasional in group situations or as an absolute 1 night stand will sleep with a man.

3 of my partners have been transgender, in both directions and at different stages.

The world is not black and white.

Try using phrases like 'I'm interested in women' as opposed to 'I'm a lesbian' or 'I have experience with both' if that feels more comfortable

I like labels. I'm going to collect them all!

#stickerfiend

It's not the phrases I struggle with.

I am perfectly happy saying I am bisexual. I'm not a lesbian, so wouldn't claim to be.

I don't want a comfortable label - I actually find it hard to talk about this at all! So words are really not my main aim. I just want to know whether it's normal to be conflicted, like this.

amantes - thank you, that is helpful! You're right.

I worry that people will judge me for not having had relationships with women, and will feel I am too old to be a newbie there. I can understand why people might feel that, without them necessarily being judgy, so it does make me think.

Sorry I crossed posts with you there.

Yes it's normal. Very.

I struggled with wether I was a real lesbian or wether I was really bisexual for several years.
I stopped struggling when I stopped trying to fit what I thought the labels meant.

Plenty of people first start experimenting later on in life.

Being new to something is always nerve wracking but You are under no obligation to disclose a tally of your relationships.

Thanks, herrena.

I really appreciate this - I'll learn.

And you'll love it ;)

I hope so!

Don't worry about the labels or whether you're new to recriminations with womenir whatever; we're all new and different with each new person we have a relationship with, enjoy the new experiences and finding out what you like most and then have fun with it! x

Hi Highsmith

You will find that some lesbians are prejudiced against bisexual women, but just avoid those ones.

All you can do is get out there, meet some new people, go with the flow and see who you fall for!

If you are interested, there is a forum for gay/bi women that has a section for identity and there are lots of bi women there. Also lots of women who came out later in life. I'm not sure if it's ok to mention another forum here, but if you want to check it out just PM me and I'll give you the link.

Oh, and it's never too late!!

I wish I had read this thread when I 'came out' and thought I needed to identify myself with great clarity.

There are such wise and clever words here.

Wow, this section moves fast!

I agree, az. Thank you for such wise and clever words, everyone who has helped me out.

doc, I'll PM you. Thank you.

DP was "straight" until she met me - only interested in men, never had a relationship with a woman. She felt like a "fraud" as you said, like she wasn't "gay enough" to be with a woman or to associate herself as bisexual. We've been together 10 years now. She still fancies men and, were we ever to break up, may well fall in love with a man. She also doesn't identify as bisexual or lesbian - and she rarely tells anyone her preferred label because she doesn't view it as any of their business.

It's all self-identifying and never too late. I know lots of gay parents who have met late in life after divorce and kids with a man. There's even a term for people who come out late in life - "baby dyke" - so you're certainly not alone!