Late twenties panic about life

[Lottegirl]

I am 26, 27 in Summer of this year. My partner is nearly 28.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We have lived together in this time, but currently live apart due to work commitments. I am doing a graduate scheme which will end in 2016. When this finishes, I will be able to move back to where my DP lives.

I see my DP on Friday to Sunday. He visits me each week because my working day is longer so it makes sense for him to travel on a Friday to maximise our tome together.

Neither of us own property, as we are saving for our own home for when I finish this graduate scheme, and can realistically move back to where we want to be in the longer-term. Since we moved apart, I have felt me and my partner have regressed. The nature of my partner's job means he is able to work abroad quite frequently. He enjoys this and often I will not see him for 3/4 weeks at a time. I have found this even harder now we don't even share the same home.

While I enjoy my job and worked very hard to get into the line of work I am in, I feel my ambition has subsided somewhat as I have got older. My partner on the other hand loves his job and therefore seeks out opportunity to travel with work etc etc. The majority of my friends have bought houses, had babies and are very settled. I resent living in a rented flat with none of my own furniture and no real security. I hate it more and more each day, and despite my friends and family being very supportive and telling me 'I've done so well to have achieved what I have,'...I feel sad and lonely. The career does not make up for the way I have to live my life right now, with massess of uncertainity and no real home (which is very important to me).

I feel as if I am a failure, and way, way behind my peers who are living the adult life I can only dream of right now.

The reason I have come on here today is because recently I have been pressuring my partner a bit to think about the future.

• I ask about starting a family, send him potential homes to buy, spend ages looking at sofas etc..My partner is happy to talk about all this and tells me he wants these things, too, be he is massiely more chilled out about it than me.
• I also want to move back in and have us both commute to work...he says this is silly because we would both be commuting over an hour and not get in until gone 7pm each night. Again, this makes me resent him because I so want to have that life again where we lived together and felt like we were progressing as a 'real' couple.

My partner says we should enjoy this age and not worry about homes, families, marriage etc. He says now is the time for him to travel, while we are not 'settled.' He says moving back in would be silly when in 2016 we will buy our home anyway.

I am resenting my job for essentially causing this regression, and I also feel frustrated and worried that my DP is ok with it all and even seems to enjoy the situation. I feel jealous of friends who can go home to their DP or husbands and babies and enjoy their settled life. I feel like everythig is so temporary, and after having moved around so much with uni, I wanted to be thinking about what colour to decorate my child's bedroom and where to put my sofa. I feel so ready for all that, that I am worried my DP just isnt't...and when we lived together it felt like everything was a lot more certain.

Am I being unfair/irrational/something else not so good here?

Sorry this is so long!!

Again, this makes me resent him because I so want to have that life again where we lived together and felt like we were progressing as a 'real' couple.

I feel jealous of friends who can go home to their DP or husbands and babies and enjoy their settled life.

^ These statements makes me question whether it is really him that you want, or just the idea of a happy domestic life of 2.2 kids and a white picket fence in the abstract. It sounds as if you feel a failure because you have a life plan stencil in your head that your life is not matching up to; it sounds as if it is this that is the primary driver for your feelings and not actually this man.

Fact is if you get married t this man then you will (all being well with a life partnership) at least 40 - 60 years of living together during which there will be periods when you can't stand the sight of him and he irritates the hell out of you. So what's the rush?

As regards the renting/buying issue, if I were you, I would do what you want to do on your own account. Look at buying a small property on your own further out of London not to live in but that you can rent out and make a profit on.

As others have said, he sounds much less invested in the relationship than you - it may be a life timing thing. But you need to plan for yourself. Imagine he calls you up one day and says he's got a job offer to live abroad for 2 -3 years and he's going to take it (with no mention of you moving out there). How would you feel? What would YOU do for yourself and your future financial planning?

Another think to think about, is imagine the situation was reversed and you had the opportunity to work abroad frequently now which you enjoyed. Your partner was all "I don't want you to do this, come and live with me". How would you feel? Would your life be easier and more enjoyable if you dumped your partner? Or if you jacked in the job?

[Most people would resent it I bet! Opportunity for foreign travel and enjoyable work is a rare enough thing. And is best enjoyed when you are young without a family to worry about]

My advice would be to assume this moving in/settled life that you want is not going to happen for years and take your decisions based on that. Do what you would do if you were single in terms of financial choices and property investment.

Hi Lottie, just to say that I fondly look back on my wobble when I turned 27. Everything seemed suddenly very "real" and I think that I realised as my friends were setting down in their chosen professional careers, buying houses and getting married that I'm now a real grown up.

When I think about my timid self starting secondary school and looking at the sixth formers and thinking "wow, they're so mature, so cool, I can't wait to be their age" and then 18 came and went as did 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 and 26 and still I did not feel the mature person that I felt that I should be. I was always just myself and life just washed over me.

When I turned 27 however, I found this feeling of Reality a heavy burden and I was relieved that 28 did not have the same affect!

I think that it's just a stage we go through, where we realise that we truly are no longer children and that we are Grown ups now. Life is what we make of it, so grab the bull by the horns and go for it!

With your BF however, I think that the best thing to do is to tell him, in a nice, calm tone that you want to talk about your future together. Don't discuss it there and then but give him some time (a few days) to organise his thoughts and to give it some thought about where he wants to be in 5, 10 years and then you'll chat about it on Sunday or whenever. I find that when talking about things that are close to our hearts and we're not sure how the other will react, avoiding eye contact or trying to keep it can be very difficult especially as the other person's facial expressions might be telling us that they're not happy/cross which then could lead to a more heated discussion. To avoid this, going on a walk and walking as you're talking helps as you don't naturally have eye contact if you're walking side by side. Stop off at a pub for some lunch and enjoy some nice time together.

Good luck :)

The only (amber?) flag for me would be the suggestion that it's 'silly' for you to move back in and commute 2hrs per day, presuming that you're moving into the place he lives in (so not changing his commute). I can think of good reasons not to do it (and graduate networking / the ability to work late as you often have to on grad scheme are two off the top of my head) but it's not 'silly'.

I understand you want commitment from your partner and that is something you need to work on. It sounds like he is not that keen on you, a man in love would want be with you and 3/4 weeks apart is not normal.

If your worried about your age, I say your wasting your time with this man.

Oh come on you're 26! Your friends sound boring and prematurely middle-aged. Can you meet some new people who are doing the exciting things that 26 year olds should be doing, like travelling, living/working abroad, further study to broaden your horizons? Your boyfriend clearly wants to do these things and if you pressure him to settle down at such a young age you will lose him and waste the best years of your life. You have plenty of time for a mortgage and babies.