It's your ex's 40th birthday...

[CostaRicanBananas]

and you've been invited to the celebrations. What would you tell your current DP? And what would you do if she / he couldn't come with you?

Tell them the truth?

And by 'can't come', I mean they are working :)

Why wouldn't you tell your new partner?

What if do would be dependent on his reaction but tbh I don't think he'd have a problem with it.

Why would you go to your EX'S 40th birthday celebrations?
How long has he been an Ex?
Will he have an OW in tow?

It's actually DP's ex, not mine. It's one of his DS' birthday this week and he told me that he didn't know what weekend he would be going to see him as he was waiting for his ex to confirm whatever arrangements she was making. I was expecting him to go either last weekend or this one but he hasn't mentioned anything. I happen to know that it's his ex's big birthday in a couple of weeks so I've started to suspect that he's organised it so that it coincides with her birthday celebration (surprise party of whatever is going on) but doesn't want to tell me. She's the pain in my life at the moment, partly because I allow her to be / due to my own insecurities but also because DP has kept things from me in the past. They've been separated / divorced for 7 years or thereabouts and we are getting married this September. The thought of having to wait to see whether he's going to lie to me is killing me...

Whatever arrangements she was making for the boy's birthday btw

The whole thing is just really convoluted, to be honest, and the problem is that you only hear one version of the story so how do you know where you stand? From what I can tell, she hasn't moved on. 'Saint X', ever-so accommodating, really keen to keep in touch with the whole family and it feels that she always has a finger on everything. But she also posted on twitter, for the whole world to read, how he cheated on her when she was pregnant and how she got rid off him because of that - she posted this last year, or seven years (and on his side, at least three relationships) later. He seems very proud of our relationship and he's obviously keen to see me off the market... Not sure whether some of his behaviour is down to guilt for how be behaved towards her... or whether he simply likes the idea of her keeping her hanging...??

If you think he's organised a 40th birthday party for his ex, who hasn't moved on, and he hasn't told you about it then why on earth would you be getting married to the man?

Call him out on it, 'I sincerely hope you are not fannying about with arrangements for your ds so you can go to your ex's 40th birthday, I will not be impressed' and then see how he reacts...

No, he wouldn't have organised it but if there's one taking place or he's planning on taking her out as a treat with the children then he's unlikely to tell me. See, some would argue that there's nothing wrong with him taking the mother of his children out, with the children, as a treat from them or him attending her birthday party. The problem is that right now, I am bracing myself for a lie. It may not happen and he is a 'last minute' type of person... It's being lied to that scares me as without trust, there is no relationship.

Hi Felicity, that'd be ideal but he doesn't know that I know when her birthday is... However, giving him a good stare is likely to achieve the same result - it'll tell him that I know.

He cheated on her while she was pregnant - he has form for lies. He isn't exactly a catch is he?

Keen to see you off the market?

What the fuck kind of crap is that?
As he proved himself, putting a ring on it doesn't mean that you don't cheat.
Nice catch you've got there, cheating on a pregnant wife.
Good luck with that.

If he's keen to "get you off the market" does that mean you're rushing into marriage?

Why do you know when her birthday is?
Why do you know that is on Facebook?

Ah now lying to deceive or lying by omission I wouldn't stand for.. I can see why you're fearing that gapping as that a huge deal as far as I'm concerned.

I hope things work out and he either doesn't say anything but doesn't go, or does say something and doesn't lie.

Btw - on keeping in touch with ex's family...

When I first met my now XH, I met his XSIL. Boy, did she bitch about my XH's brother! Her XH. He'd had an affair and left her about 10 years before.
I thought:

• you need to get over this love
• ooooh, creepy, why do you still go and see his mum? Are you after some inheritance?

I'm not proud of these thoughts, now.

Because I'm the XW of XMIL's second cheat of a son. I am that XDIL now.

Guess what?
18 months on, I still go to see her. Guess why? Because she's my daughter's grandmother. Blood relative.

And you know, I haven't posted on my Facebook about his cheating. But having not bitched about it, I actually feel closer to spitting it out (kept a secret from his family for a reason) now than ever before. I'm less angry and emotional about it. It's not a venomous impulse, more one of fairness and justice - why should he get away with everyone thinking he is wonderful?

Perhaps she knows of your engagement and she mentioned the cheating as a warning to you. A nice warning. I know I feel I'd like to tell my XH's gf that he's cheating on her, just to spare her what I went through. Not to be a bitch.

You would do well to take it as a warning, anyway.

And look - stop pissing about.
Do NOT marry a man to whom you cannot say "I think you're dithering because you want to go to / organise a party for her. That makes me uncomfortable - let's talk".

If you can't say it, or don't expect the truth from him, you would be CRAZY to marry him.

That's what she posted on twitter just over 12 months ago. What he told me long before that was that they broke up and got back together a couple of times including when she was pregnant. He saw somebody during that period, they got back together and then broke up for good. What I got from that was that as they got back together, she found out that he had been seeing somebody else and that was that. The two people he had relationships with after that actually seem pretty decent and the relationships (one of which lasted about 3 years) simply didn't work out so no major dramas there. Hence my reference to versions of the story, I don't believe that he's a saint but the ex seems to like to be seen as a victim.

Oh dear.
I thought I recognised your name.
You're the one that dared to have a sex life before him.
This guy is a total ARSEHOLE.
Him going to his XW's party is the least of your worries.

Why do you know what she posts on Twitter? Why are you stalking her?

How do you know about his last 2 girlfriends?!
I've had about 6 boyfriends in my life, and very short term flings with about another 15.
In only ONE case have I met (and then not long enough to have an opinion) an ex GF.

However, if everything was as it should be, whatever happened in the past should have no bearing on us and our relationship. And I most certainly shouldn't be wondering whether I am going to be told a lie or not, that in itself is incredibly worrying.

Well that's very true.
So what are you going to do about it?

Why are you saying that he didn't cheat on her (they were on a break ) but then also saying maybe he feels guilty for how he treated her...?

Basically, you do not know whether he cheated or not (I think I'm more sure than you!). If you cannot trust what he says - and clearly you can't - then you should not shackle yourself to him with marriage.

Is he still shouting and swearing in front of the kids, and sulking because you've had sex before you met him?

Please wake up and see him for what he is.
If you do, you may find in your next relationship you don't have such an impulse to twitter stalk the XW.

I'm not sure I've followed it all.

There's nothing wrong with someone attending an ex's party.
There's nothing wrong with an ex husband taking his ex wife out for a meal as a treat from their children.

There is something wrong with a current partner lying or lying by omission to a new partner.
There is something wrong when one partner doesn't trust the other - justified or not.
Thre is something wrong when a person waits to see if they will be lied to rather than bring able to have a non-confrontational conversation about something.

There is something really fucked up about the "off the market" phrase.