Odd photos on DH's camera

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

Before starting this I will say that I know the obvious thing to do is ask DH! But with a long history of EA and gaslighting I would like to get a few opinions on whether or not I am seeing something odd when it's easily explained.

Whilst looking at photos on DHs camera yesterday I across 3 ones that I'm a bit unsure of. The only times the camera is used is for Christmas/Birthdays at home or DHs work So the memory card was full of Christmas and then lots of dull work shots. Until one that was of a woman pretending to hide behind a tree. Nothing else in the shot. Then a few work shots later there she was strolling along the road and laughing. Then the next of the back view of her as she walked down some steps. At first I thought it must be somebody he worked with, although I've never seen other photos of his colleagues (work photos are architecture etc), but then I realised she was very casually dressed which would be a no no in his office. So now I'm confused. I could ask him but there have been a few instance in the past (texts years ago) that he twisted until I felt I was the one in the wrong, so I need to be more sure of it.

I bet everyone doesn't see him as perfect, and even if they do, they clearly don't know him, nobody knows anyone unless they are spending their life with them, your OH sounds vile, I don't understand why this is an issue when you know you can't even trust him so it's hardly a big surprise, you need to get rid or expect more of the same shitty treatment.

These other people who supposedly see him as 'pretty perfect' aren't married to him, so their opinion is really of little importance. You don't trust him, you don't want to be married him - that's all that matters.

You don't really need 'proof', it's not a court case. His general behaviour towards you is the important thing.

I can hear quacking petal.

I'm not going to say 'sorry' because seeing through the gaps in the emperors new clothes is incredibly liberating and I needed the gaslight glamour broken for me as well.

Onwards, upwards. Tits to the wind.

When you are in an ea relationship you feel like you are driven mad and seeing things that aren't there. I totally understand your need to have something concrete. Something you can point to and say this is why I left.
I would ask him and be prepared for him to challenge you on why you looked at his camera and to have a reasonable explanation.
But be aware that most husbands would be worried you would think the worst and would take time to make sure you believed him. Yours won't.
He will deflect and that will give you the answer.

I was looking at the photos of DDs birthday. It's his camera but it's always here unless it's at work with him. So there was no reason I shouldn't have looked at it. Not that I need an excuse but it wasn't like I was snooping on his phone. I literally was clicking through them "birthday, birthday, Christmas dinner, Christmas presents, dull buildings, woman behind a tree......"

So you're looking for things he could say to explain it away?

Someone used the camera
She's a colleague and we were only messing about.

These are the only two I can think of.

How could the photos be innocent? Because I can't see any way they can be. Regardless of that you have many reasons to not be with him anyway. Tbh you could have left years ago even if you didn't have enough reasons. He is abusive - how is that a good lesson to your children. And he has you doubting yourself so much not only are you analysing everything on his phone but you post here to validate yourself.

Get a good lawyer, get WA on side and any GP, HV or school and get the hell out.

OP... who is it you feel you need to convince with this evidence?

LizaTarbucksAuntie

Tits to the wind?
Never heard that before, but I'll be using it from now on!

You are looking for a way to make the pictures innocent, trying to find a way to make it just your suspicious mind.

He has trained you well with his gaslighting, hasn't he?

It doesn't matter who she is or why he took the photo, it's not important. You already have all the reasons you need to leave.

But all you say to those people who think he's perfect is, "Well, you only see one side of him. I've lived with him for X years and I can assure you he's not like that all the time." And then refuse to go into any more detail.

Toast , listen to the many wise voices here.

Once you break free , you will begin to wake up to the many ways in which your perception has become skewed.
The pictures are a red herring here - although I think there is unlikely to be a reasonable explanation , he will tangle you up in confusion if you confront him about them.
Time to get serious with an exit plan.

Hi OP. Just popping on here to say you do know you can break up with this man for absolutely no reason if you want to. If it's him that you feel you need to give a reason to... Then you could just say because I don't like you anymore. There is no argument he can give to that. And to anyone else you feel the need to justify this to ImperialBlether's answer is spot on. If you want to end this, then do. No one can make you stay with him.

It's not as if you'll be able to convince him of his wrongdoing anyway. So why waste the energy?

But you do have a reason to leave him OP - you are unhappy and do not wish to continue.

You don't need any more reason than that.

You do not need his, or anyone elses permission to leave the relationship. You don't need evidence/proof/etc.

You want to go - you go.

half of the crazy making madness of gaslighting is the futile attempts to prove you are right.
It matters not.
If they were going to accept you being right, they wouldnt be gaslighting.

So move on. Divorce is not a trial. You dont need to prove anything. No one is going to be found guilty or vindicated by the decision of a judge. And, as many of the wise women going through it on here at the moment will attest, their awful behaviour makes no difference to the financial settlement or childcare provision which is down to their best interests and an equal division as decided by the law

A friend of mine got another mutual friend to take some "crazy" snaps of her for fun. She has them on her FB to show how quirky she is. Lots of hiding behind bollards and gazing up at trees and sticking one arm and one foot out of a phone box. I think we're all supposed to admire it.

So there you go, one explanation. Colleague/friend asked him to do it as he had a camera on him.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant given everything else. You have made a decision and you are moving towards freedom. Bloody well done you.

Be aware that most husbands would be worried you would think the worst and would take time to make sure you believed him. Yours won't. He will deflect and that will give you the answer.

Please take this on board, toast. It sounds as if you've entirely forgotten (or never knew) what ordinary, relaxed, mutually respectful & considerate relationships are like.

You don't really need to know who this woman is. You definitely don't need to expose yourself to yet another onslaught of twisted lies & accusations.

Now you're waking up ... What you need is a rock-hard, experienced, abuse-proof solicitor to hold your hand and give you strength to kick him out. You can get one of those via Women's Aid, so please ring them.

yes, agree Gallic - it will just be a time wasting head fuck of eye watering proportions, when you could just be saying 'lets get on with getting this over'

Shit hot solicitor who knows all the tricks in the book. Thats what you need to be looking for, not answers to a problem you will never get to the bottom of.

Is he the one with the ridiculous haircut??

Yes he is! Which proves what a dick he is. You were so funny on that thread that I cried laughing. Point being he doesn't appreciate what a wonderful wife he's got.

He has a beard now too.....

Best advice I got on here when I was in an abusive relationship was that I did not need permission to leave .

What with that hair? His face must be over a metre long........