Controlling Partner, any advice would be great!

[melinoz]

Hi everyone, I am totally on the brink today and just so teary! Heres the story
My partner and I have been together for 15 years this year, we have teen son and I have a daughter from a previous relationship.
I should have known there was trouble from day one when he started putting my friends down, I soon got rid of them.
I suffer depression and take medication, I just listened to him so much when he would say my friends were bad for me.
In the time we have been together I have been out twice at night with friends by myself, I am allowed to have one drink, as I have to drive, I am not allowed to have a taxi home.
In past jobs I have not been allowed to go to work parties, I moved from my home country to Australia for his work, so I am even more isolated here.
I home school my son, I am not allowed to get a night job, I am really not a stupid person, I went to university, am a qualified chef, so I am struggling at how I got like this.
When I said I need to get a job because my sanity is suffering he suggested we move to a smaller town because only pretty people get jobs here, currently I run an online clothes store from home.
If I go to a friends house he will drop me off and pick me up, and text me continually while I am there, its like being dropped off for a play date.
I put on 20 kgs moving here, just because I stayed in the house, in September I brought a cross trainer and lost 10 kg, now he is asking why I am trying so hard to look good, I just wanted to feel better about myself.
All money is controlled by my partner, the money I make goes towards food and schooling. If I ask for any money ( only essential things I am questioned so badly it isn't worth it)
Any discussion now turns into an argument, I tell him I want to go to Pilates with my sister, and he says no and that I have to go to the gym with him, any idea I have of something to have any kind of friend or me time is put aside because I must be with him all the time.
In saying this I have never ever cheated or done anything to earn this much mistrust.
He plays golf, goes away fishing, I never stop him from anything he would like to do.
Six months ago I said I cannot live like this anymore, he said he would change. I feel like last weekend when I said I would like to catch up with a girlfriend, and he said no we will be going out for the day together was the last straw, I honestly do not know what to do, I feel totally trapped and limited.
I know this is rambling but I am so upset today :(

xx

Oh dear this sounds really awful OP. Financial and emotional abuse as well as isolating you from friends. Do you have any of your own finances to be able to make a move from him? Is he physically threatening to you or is this something that you think could materialise? It sounds so horrible and no wonder you are upset; I think the only way in my view is to leave him (easier said than done I know) as he sounds absolutely awful and try and make a life away from him as it sounds like he is controlling every aspect of it and will never change. What a bully. I am so sorry for you.

Overall, are you happy in your relationship?

Do you think he will change?

I think you know what you need to do. Start putting together your exit plan.

www.anrows.org.au/get-support

Any way you can hide some of your earnings, and vanish with the kids while he's golfing/fishing?

You guys are so lovely, honestly needed that today. An exit plan was in my head, its just I thought I was over reacting the whole issue. I think I had got so down that all of this had become so normal.
I know that I do have to leave in order to not spend another 15 years like this, we have talked about him getting help or both of us going to counselling but it never eventuates.
It is really hard being in another country away from all of my family, in saying that they are not so understanding and say he is the best I could probably do ( I am not interested in another man at all, just achieving what I would like to do with my life instead of watching it pass)
He won't change and I am struggling to find happiness ( my kids are amazing though!)
I suffer from PTSD so I admit at times there has been anger one my side, due to total frustration! He has thrown things at me and pushed me over at times, I should have taken the opportunity then to pack and go.
I think with feeling better and losing weight I have got a bit more of my confidence back, so am seeing things for what they are

x

This is not normal or acceptable and your family are wrong. You could do so so much better than him and you deserve better. Their reaction is a very common one, but it is incorrect. Please dont listen to them

Are you married? If you seperate from him will you be able to stay in Australia, or will you have to return home?

You are right to want to leave, and I really hope you are able to soon. Could you stay with your sister until you get sorted?

You're not over reacting, that's for certain, and your family don't sound very supportive if they think he's the best you can do - though, having said that, I'd guess he presents his behaviour to others as "looking after you", rather than "controlling every aspect of your existence"? So they won't see him as you (now so clearly) do.

Do not attempt joint counselling, it won't help. Sooooo many women find they don't need antidepressants when the cause of their depression is removed from their lives, I've seen it in this forum so frequently. (Though it's not instant!)

Was your joint son born in Australia, is he a citizen, can you leave the country with him?

My son was born in New Zealand so I can leave with him, I am lucky enough not to be married or own a home here, so it is just a matter of taking my kids and my dog and going back, I make it sound easy but a lot more steps in place before that.
I was worried about joint counselling, as some counselors you get are a little crazy putting it nicely.
I don't think I need the antidepressants at all, although of course I do feel depressed but just only for the reason of how I am living my life.
He has put on a great front for my family, my mother adores him and thanks him for looking after us, its upsetting to even hear that sometimes!
Thanks so much for the support and reassurance :)

I may also be able to stay with my sister here, we aren't that close but hopefully it could just be a very short term thing.
I have been looking at short term rentals around here, I have some money saved just in case I needed to go.
I won't be listening to my mother, the sad thing is that she is a Christian counselor, I really do pity any person that needs help and sees her ( sounds mean but honestly!)

Sounds like you already have your plans in place, so you're doing really well in the face of his behaviour. It can't be easy to fight back after 15 years of being told you can't cope (but have to deal with everything, raising and schooling the kids with no support, budgeting, and I'll bet all other domestic responsibilities!)

All I can say is, "Go you!" Have a lovely life!

Are you eligible to claim any benefits? I'd go to the calculator and have a look - you may be ok especially if you can stay with your sister for a while.

Gosh, that sounds horrible OP. I've no other helpful advice other than to get your exit plan together and get out of there as soon as you can.

And make sure he doesn't see this thread

The UK is about to introduce a law making 'coercive control' illegal. Your description of your life could be used as a case-study for anyone wanting to know what coercive control is and what it does to the victim.

I'm sorry you're suffering such terrible abuse. Is there an equivalent to Womens Aid in Australia? I hope you manage to find refuge.

"He has thrown things at me and pushed me over at times"

With violence already in the mix, I think you should contact the police. You're being treated as a modern-day slave, you don't sound as though you can leave your home without permission, you're subjected to intimidation and actual harm and you (and any children still living there) are in enormous danger.

Don't come off the antidepressants yet either! The last thing you want is your depression worsening while you are trying to work on an exit plan.

He sounds horribly calculating and is clearly abusive in many many ways. You know what you need to do. Going it alone can't be any worse than being this man's slave.

You sound intelligent and kind. Don't let him take more from you than he already has. The world is yours for the taking. Good luck.

Exactly what Hooty said. What a miserable life you have as this creature's prisoner. Any all of those escape routes seem sound to me and I'm going to keep checking your updates in the hope this can happen soon!

I could have written this post. I was with my exh for 7 years , we moved country to here. in my home country he didn't like my friends, so i stopped seeing them. Moved here, i worked for 6 months before i had my dd... i had noooo money he controlled everything.... to cut along story short 18 months ago he cheated... i chucked him out. Best move ever, i work , am in control of everything. I have made wonderful friends since and life is really good. Get rid of him and start living