Emotional affair

[TrustingGuy]

OK, hi. It's now exactly a month since I discovered my partner's emotional affair with an old school friend. The shock is still with me: wake up with a knot in my stomach every morning, still have the shakes intermittently and it almost ruined Christmas, but we've reached a point where we want to work together to heal things but I have the obvious trust issues. I searched for a men's forum but this seems to be the best. I love her deeply but will not live a lie or settle for second best. We have two teenage children. Anyone else going through this?

Not sure why on earth you're thinking of contacting the OM - to tell him what? Your relationship is absolutely none of his business. Your dw cheated on you, not him - this man is free to do whatever he wants. Of course he won't be feeling 'hurt', and so what if he was, he is nothing to the pair of you now.

I never had an OW. I shared some emails with a female work colleague about dog walking which my DW found and was angry about.

My DW has shared Facebook messenger threads with her OM about "getting fucked" and arranging when. I fail to see the correlation.

Why was she angry about e-mails relating to dog-walking? Seems as though there were several issues in the relationship before all this happened.

There is no correlation OP. So what is your DW constructively doing.... taking the initiative about.... that tells you she wants to make a big effort to rebuild your relationship? What has she suggested?

You were the one who called her an 'OW' and said there was 'banter'. I have no idea what, if any, the correlation is/was. I'm just observing that this relationship does not appear to be going well, and this appears to have been the case for some time.

Maybe so, but that was one incident about 10 years ago. There's been nothing else...I don't think that constitutes a 30 year relationship that's not "going well".

She was angry about the dog-walking emails because they were with a friend who was female. She's always been jealous of me having female friends even though, the one other time we had a 'blip' before we were married, it was her getting involved with a work colleague, then me finding someone soon after.

My DW has mentioned Relate and the book by Esther Perel (look it up) but, apart from that, sweeping it under the carpet

In my experience, there is no way that you can make it work if she just wants to sweep it under the carpet. It is incredibly hard work trying to repair a relationship after something like this has happened, and that's with my husband being transparent about everything, pretty much like wading did with her DH- leaving his phone alone, massively reducing his time on the Internet, answering every question I have, etc.

Your wife needs to understand that you may need to ask questions which she won't want to answer, but in order to start to gain your trust back she really has to. Unless you are both behind this 100% it's pretty much doomed to failure. Me and my husband both want our marriage to work out but it's still hard every day, I haven't had a full 'good' day since July 31st (found out about EA Aug 1st)and sometimes I find myself making a plan to leave him. This is despite books, relationship counselling and endless talking.

Agreeing with the PP.... you're never going to get rid of that sick feeling if she insists on sweeping it under the carpet. It's very dismissive of your feelings and it also suggests that she's really not all that sorry.

"that was one incident about 10 years ago... one other time we had a 'blip'... her getting involved with a work colleague ...me finding someone"

Ok, so just the three or four incidences of infidelity or attempted or suspected infidelity, that you both know about, plus some snooping, minimising etc? My mistake OP, that sounds really great, you should probably just carry on as you are. Not sure why you're posting really, as you so rightly insist that everything is fine. Of course it is. Well done.

Harshly pit procrast but i agree tbh. I think this lady is leading the OP a merry dance.

If you both want to repair damage then Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends is an excellent guide whether it's been an emotional or physical affair.
Esther Perel has a good TED talk online but it's more about keeping intimacy and sex alive in a long distance relationship than about repairing and growing trust after a betrayal (Mating in Captivity iirc)

*Long term relationship not long distance .... Have just been on the other LDR thread

OP it might be worth bearing in mind that people who cheat often tend to try and rationalise it by telling themselves that 'everyone cheats' at some point. Ironically, that is why they can be very suspicious and jealous.

However, it does seem that you are saying both of your have cheated before or at least behaved inappropriately. What does 'banter' mean to you? Is it flirting. Is it acceptable to flirt with someone behind your partner's back?

These are the questions that most couples usually talk about and iron out before a relationship gets too serious. For some it's just harmless fun, for others it's massively disrespectful. It sounds like you don't understand or respect each other's boundaries.

Game-changer, guys. Massive talk last night, she's come off FB and we're looking for the way forward. Thanks for all the positive comments but I'm leaving it here so we can work at it without the distractions. I'll let you know how we get on.

Further to being an arse earlier on, I'm pleased for you. It's good you've talked productively and that something has actually changed, hopefully for both of you. I really hope this works out for you and the whole thing is a game changer for your relationship. Good luck.