sat here in tears what do i do for the best my partner and my daughters just don't get on!!!

[yummmymummy1]

ok so its 7.30am the kids are in bed and my partner has just left for work and im glad after spending 2 weeks hauled up in the house playing referre and feeling like the worst mother in the world!!

my partner of 6 years and my daughter just dont get on ( more on his part) shes going through the stroppy little madame stage but hes always on her case he only ever seems to speak to her to tell her off shes started spending literally all her time at home in her room, we have 2 kids 2 and 4 together and then my 10 year old who calls him dad we have been together since she was 3 1/2 she know hes not her father but has always been dad she has no contact with her real dad. but he seems to treat her like shes not part of the family all the time and its breaking my heart ive been looking for houses to rent and am serious considering just taking all 3 of them and leaving as i have 3 kids not 2 my heart is torn though as he is a fantastic dad to the other 2 and they absolutely dote on him. im not entirely sure i even love him any more i mean how can i when hes making my daughter feel so shitty. shes started acting out at school and shes finding it really hard to socialize with other kids as she thinks they are always judging her but he dosnt see any of this as his fault everything is always my daughters fault. hes got a really bad anger issue and flys off the handle at the slightest thing when ive told him that im leaving he tells me to go then but im not taking the kids we have a joint tenancy and he would refuse to leave as most of the stuff in the house he has bought due to me giving up work to look after his kids i just feel so lousy and like the worst mother in the world how do i get us out of this rut and what damage would it do to the other 2 babys if i take them away from their dad :(

Just wanted to say don't feel you have to keep hiding this from your family & friends. Your DP's behaviour is NOT your fault, & you have not failed or messed up in any way, nor will you if you leave.
Is there any one close person you could confide in who may be able to help on money/accomodation issues? X

Hello OP - I think you know what you've got to do don't you

Talk to someone in RL. I think you might be surprised how much your nearest and dearest know about what he's like

This is more than your husband and daughter not getting on. Sounds a pretty awful atmosphere to live in. I agree with others saying ring Women's Aid or confide in a friend.

There is a way out of this.I rented my house to a single parent and the council provided the deposit in the form of a bond.Talk to cab/shelter and you will find a way.Akk for children deserve better.I wonder if he is better with younger children although the way he spoke to your 4year old is awful.

So sorry you are going through this yummymummy - can I ask has he always been nasty to your DD or has it got worse as she's got older, or since the young ones came along. Do you ever talk to DD about the way he treats her - do you intervene when he gets on at her. Just wondering really.

I think you've had some excellent posts and I can only add my voice to the others. I am usually not in the LTB camp as I think it's so easy to sit at home tapping away about someone else's life, whereas in reality it is not easy to pull up stumps and start over, especially with young children. However in your case, I feel SO much for your DD - she must be going through hell and I think if you do get out now, there is a chance that the emotional harm she is suffering can be minimised. She is in fact being emotionally abused and I don't want to be alarmist but that is one of the reasons that children can be removed from their parents. I'm not suggesting for one minute that would happen but I'm trying to stress the enormity of the emotional damage that your DD is suffering.

Most men will say "well you're not taking the kids" when there is a suggestion of leaving, but in reality, the kids do mostly end up with their mom although legally you have equal rights to them. If you can't agree about their care, then the matter has to go to court and the judge makes a decision. Presumably your P works full time and you are a SAHM? How would he look after the children in these circumstances? They tend to use it to stop the woman leaving.......

There will be difficulties ahead in leaving and setting up as a single parent but I am convinced it will be for the best, as it sounds like this situation isn't going to change - in fact it is likely to get worse as your DD gets into her teenage years. Useful contacts are as others have said Women's Aid, CAB, and SHELTER (housing advice) I know someone mentioned asking the council for accommodation because of a relationship break down but I'm not sure they would be able to help, but it's worth going to see them. They can though loan you 1st month's deposit to put down on a private rented place and you should be able to claim Housing Benefit, Income Support, CTC, and of course your P will need to pay maintenance for his children. I really hope you can protect your DD from any further emotional abuse.

Yea I interview we have just had a blazing row over bloody broccoli and stretching at the dinner table I told him a home
Truths about the way he is making her feel and he dosnt take any reaponsibillty at all I said imagine what it feels like for her to know a man she calls dad dosnt really care for her at all and to feel like she's second best to her sibling he said its my fault because I tell her not to listen to him which i do when he's saying really nasty things he said she is rude and dosnt listen to him that's why he shouts and that she should treat her more like a dad if he she wants him to treat her like a daughter vile I know he simply dosnt understand that he is the grown up and if he put a little more effort into their relationship then he would get more out its like banging my head on a brick wall I'm so upset again tonight Ii said to him well what's your excuse to be shouting at me I'm not a disobedient child and you do it to me as well and he didn't have anything to say I've come upstairs with my dad to put some washing away to get out of the arguing and spend some time with her after the incident I've got an appointment wit cab next week to get some advice regarding deposits for. House etc...

Sorry for the typos on my phone xx

Treat her 'like' a daughter? Wow.... that's shocking. Good luck with CAB

Please tell me this row didn't happen in front of her?

let's face it unless you live in a mansion there's no escaping it

good luck with cab and making plans and moving on OP.

No she was upstairs although that's still not acceptable I know but I had to step in I'm just going to avail him now until i can get somewhere else to go I don't want to just leave and go into the homeless I would feel much better if I could just get a private rent somewhere and leave whilst he is at work

Avoid** I just feel like a complete failure as a mother to her I hate myself for letting him make her and me feel like this mad being stuck here we moved into this house from my old flat and I'm kicking myself for letting him on the tenancy things would be so much easier if he wasn't I'd just pack his bags whilst he was at work and change the locks but I can't do that they will make me let him back in :(

I rarely post OP but this thread makes for tragic reading. Did I misread or did he ask your 4 year old whether she can do anything right?!!! SHE IS 4! He sounds a nasty controlling bully. Your children will see the change in you when he is around versus when he is out. That walking-on-broken-eggshells hypervigilance you will inevitably be doing, will be observed by them. They are learning how to act around controlling people - and from bitter experience as a child, I can tell you this is horribly damaging. They will be learning how to read daddy's moods, how to act & blaming themselves when he blows up at them. Please, for the love of all things good, get yourself & your kids out. You all deserve better

My post sounded harsh, OP but the high criticism / low emotional warmth he is demonstrating to your oldest daughter is awful because it erodes self-esteem and her internal sense of being lovable. I really feel for you; it's not your fault, it's his. Good luck with all your efforts to get away from him

You're not a failure as a mother. You've been unlucky, maybe your judgement was off, but the big failure in this story is the nasty piece of work that is going around bullying you and your DCs. Because you're not a failure, you'll be rsourceful enough to get everyone safely out of this experience, you'll fix the accommodation problem etc..... and your DCs will one day thank you for it.

I think you are failing to protect your daughter from emotional abuse - she can't protect herself, she's just a child who will suffer to a greater or lesser extent from this man's bullying of her and you are the only person who can protect her, and you need to do it sooner rather than later. I'm sorry to sound harsh but the longer this goes on the more potential there is for your daughter to suffer emotional distress that could last into her adult years and beyond.

Yes there are a lot of practical issues to sort out but they can be done. Have you told your P that you want to separate? Is there any chance he will leave - probably not. To be honest I think you should contact Women's Aid - it would be uncomfortable to move into a Refuge (and you would be eligible because this man is emotionally abusive to you too - there don't have to be bruises) and you would have the help of the Refuge workers to get you and the kids set up in either a Housing Assoc property or a private rent.

I think you are hoping things will change but they won't - if he can cause a row about broccoli and stretching at the table, he can cause a row about anything. He clearly can't stand the sight of your DD and everything she does gets to him and he bullies her. Do the right thing FGS and get away from him.