Feeling resentful & bitter - advice please

[Littlechickkie]

Firstly a bit of background: Met my now DH in 2001, I was 26 & he was 34. We dated until 2004 & then decided to live together. DH finally agreed to get married in 2009 (I was adamant no kids outside of marriage) my age by then 34, he was 42. In 2012 I gave birth to DS. Had a year off work on mat leave returned to work in 2013 & was made redundant.

I found a new job straight away but it was a much bigger commute. This turned out to be very stressful for me both the job & balancing care for DS. During this time also I'm still wanting another child so we keep trying. Fall pregnant in June last year but have miscarriage in September. I return to work in October & hand my notice in straight away as feel my mc was due to stress because of my job. Stopped ttc between September & December to give my body a rest.

Currently I am out of work & living off the redundancy money from my previous job. It was a decent payout so I am still contributing fully to all household bills etc. Have enough to support myself for a year at least. Have told DH that I am looking for a more local job so less stress but it will likely mean a pay cut which DH has said he is not happy about.

So now it's Jan 2015 & I am turning 40 this March. I've told DH I want to resume ttc. DH is refusing until I find another job. I feel like I am being controlled & manipulated and have been by him all along as he has dictated all major relationship decisions. Feel like I've wasted my best fertile years with this man. Explained to him that we can't afford to delay ttc because of my age & waning fertility. But he told me I should consider being grateful for the DS that we've got. (I am grateful & adore him which is why I want another.)

Sorry for the long post but I needed to set out the whole situation. I seriously resent DH now & am doubting whether I actually love him anymore. We have a fantastic home & a beautiful son. Am I crazy?

What do you think your husband gets out of his relationship with you? How do you add to his life?

Do the same exercise in reverse.

All normal relationship milestones seem to have been forced by you (from what you have written). Why is that? Why hasn't he been forthcoming? Do you (collectively) have too much debt? What are your priorities vs his?

To be frank, yours is not a relationship that I envy. He is using your biological clock to blackmail you, which is vile.

no you're not crazy. I don't know what you should do about it but you're not crazy.

We're trying to decide what to do about my job. I want to quit and stay at home with the children, he's worried about the money long term. its going to be a joint decision one way or another, we talk about it a lot.

that said, did you resign without discussing it with him? I guess that should have been mutual decision.

seems he's blackmailing you now with the TTC but then you're not sitting down together to make a plan, you're using your age as a bargaining chip....

you're not working together as a team towards a mutual goal, whether that can be fixed or not is something you need to decide, probably together

Thanks for the questions bitofanoddone. At the moment I'm struggling to see what either of us gets out of the relationship apart from material things such as having a nice home, car etc. I feel like I need to ponder on that one! We do have a considerable amount of debt as we have 2 mortgages, have a small second property but this has a rental income. So DH has mentioned worrying about ensuring we pay for this. But my redundancy remains enough to cover my contribution to all bills for at least a year.

Teenagemutantninjaturtle I didn't resign without telling my DH. I discussed it with him first, he wasn't happy but accepted my point about the stress I'd been under. Also my DH is now working away from home quite a bit so this is driving the need for me to work closer to home.

Yes when it comes to normal relationship milestones (or any decision) I always have to drive these & push him for decisions. My DH is a very laid back man, happy leave everything until the last minute. I feel we've not been working as a team for quite a while.

Thanks for your answers.

You have three choices.

1.Stay and get a better paid job with a commute.

1. Stay and get a local job.

1. Leave him and get a local job.

You may never conceive (though i sincerely hope that isn't the case!!) so i would not go for option one in the short term as you may feel the stress inhibited the conception.

That means getting a local job which balances your financial situation and then you have to decide on the emotional variable.

He does need to be on board to conceive and, if he isn't, then you have to consider what that means to your relationship. For what it's worth, the only person that you will hurt in the longterm with being bitter is you. Please try very hard not to factor in previous circumstances but look at the issue of TTC, working and your husband's support now and think about what it means to you. You have a time limitation and that should be your focus.

I think he's right tbh to wait until you're back in work before TTC.

I fell pregnant just after being made redundant. I didn't have a massive pay out.

A years money isn't enough to get you through with no maternity pay.

Life is too short to suffer, so you did the right thing getting out of a stressful job.
But - miscarriage is sadly very common and usually a result of the embryo not being genetically viable, not stress. Go easy on yourself about that

I wouldn't want my partner to TTC without a job either. It's easier to find a job when not pregnant. And if you want flexible working, easier to be in a job already and request. By the time you get pregnant and have maternity leave, you're looking at longer off work than a year, potentially.

I'm more concerned that all the arrangements for your existing child's care seem to fall to you? I would think twice about limiting your earning power because of that, could be a bad long term move.

If you both have long commutes for jobs, why aren't you looking at moving closer to where the jobs are?

Would you prefer to be a SAHM? Is this the underlying issue? (Nothing wrong with wanting that AT ALL?)

I'm concerned that you do seem to have spent years pushing and badgering this man into marrying you and giving you a child, despite his reluctance. You also describe him as 'laid back'. Sooner or later, a man like this decides that he is fed up of being ordered about by you, never loved you that much in the first place, and that he is going to leave.

"Finally agreed to get married"
Makes me wonder if he felt badgered then but went along with it.

So you have had to live off your redundancy? Are your finances quite separate?

What would you like to do re job situation? Would you prefer to sahm for a while if you go ahead with TTC?

You feel as if you have had to coerce what would be a fairly typical relationship trajectory. Over quite a protracted time period, I might add. How does he view it?

In these circumstances, I would be feeling a little unloved and unsure of my relationsip.

Tbh I am not sure about this. There is no way in your situation I would have given up work without another job in the bag. I know you have your redundancy but you want to get pregnant and finding another job while pregnant would be nigh on impossible so your redundancy will run out surely. You have a lot if debt so you have signed up to being a 2 income family unless you can reduce that by selling one of your houses. I think you both need to decide if you are on the same page going forward and take it from there.

Thanks for all your input folks. I have researched possible reasons for my mc & understand that stress can be a factor, but yes I accept there could be others. I just want to maximise my chances now given my age. Also as far as Financials are concerned we keep our finances separate but pay into a joint account to cover bills so I have enough from my redundancy to cover it. It was a decent payout as I'd been there a long time. SAHM is not an option DH has made that very clear. But if I can find local part time work that fits financially that would solve the problem. The skills I have would allow me to do fixed term self employed contract work but that would mean another commute & definitely full time work. Selling the rental property is sadly not an option in the current market. Also there would be little benefit selling our home as DHs work locations can vary. Based on the advice from you guys I need to have a further discussion with DH but I think realistically option 2 proposed by bitofanoddone is my only option. Thanks everyone for your input.