i thought we had turned a corner but was told "you get on my fucking nerves"

[whatisforteamum]

28 yr together 2 teens 17yrs married.i had an affair 10yrs ago and dh pleaded with me to stay.We both work opposite shifts when the dcs were small and hardly saw each other.However we worked through it all and were quite proud to pay off our mortgage 2 yrs ago on our lowish income.We took it in turns to do the chores and meals and childcare with no family help.
Both my parents have incurable cancer then last yr dh had a major heart attack and was off work for months.He became moody and a bit aggressive as he had been before but he was given medication for this as it is common after a H attack and it is quite hard to walk on eggshells for fear off upsettting him.He was far from pleasant but i put this down to his life changing event.(his mum died at 44 from a HA).
Then my Dads cancer spread and his chemo for palliative care was messed about so 22weeks later he still hasnt had it and he has been ill over xmas.
I took on double work hrs and often get home late this week 1 am!! this seemed to keep me occupied and dh has been keeping the home ticking over pitching in quiet a bit.
He has also been avoiding sex and it took me months to realize he has ED.He took a few weeks and went to the docs about this.I felt sorry for him as we have always been quite sexual people and i thought this must have been quite a blow( sorry no pun intended) to his masculinity.Working all over xmas i i thought it had been a good one.
Weds he told me " no wonder no one at your work likes you" if i speak to them like i speak to him.They do like me.
Then today i asked if he could take something upstairs as he was going up and he said very angrily nostrils flaring "you get on my fucking nerves"
I feel quite hurt.This is not language i like or would use.The odd swear word yes and he knows i hate it.i wouldnt mind if an apology was forthcoming but he only begrudgeingly muttered one when i pointed it out.
So here i am son doing exams this spring,father dying and Mum sees her oncologist this week too and a "DH" who offers no hugs or moral support.
Obviously i am not moving anywhere while my DF and DM are in their situation.Just wanted to get things off my chest before i go mad.Thanks for listening.Yes i have tried to speak to DH but he calls it going on.

OP you say "he became moody and aggressive as he had been before" So this behaviour is not really completely linked to his health is it?

Why did you have the affair? Was it because you were unhappy with DH? Was he moody and aggressive back then too?

You shouldn't have to be walkingo on eggshells. With what is going on in your family you must be painfully aware that life is short and we should aim to live it as happily as possible.

I suspect with so much on your plate you feel you have to keep deferring taking any action re your marriage but seriously, don't leave it too long eh?

no hampton i wont.I put his previous outbursts down to working long hrs the yrs before.I would be irritable if i worked 60 hrs a week.I had an affair as i hardly saw him and we seemed a bit incompatable but then splitting up the family for my own sake seemed selfish and Dh was so determined i told them at relate he almost had enough love for the pair of us.We did pretty much get back to where we were.Me making every effort possible to give everyone a stable family home.

Sounds like he's regretting begging you to stay Two wrongs don't make a right, of course, and you make him sound pretty unpleasant but resentment tends to build if it isn't dealt with properly and the holiday period with all that enforced closeness can be the last straw

yes probably cog maybe he thought he could do it for the sake of the kids too and maybe he cant bin me off when he can see how ill my parents are and he has been through the mill himself recently having a colonoscopy too.That is one of the reasons i worked all christmas.1 its my job.2 better one happy parent here than 2 bickering ones.

Turns out he wanted to get a loftladder in the sales fri when he went to local town to get the food shop,the strop was because he wanted to dash out to get one incase they sold out as the "bargain" was on sat not fri they were £25 not £80.
It was 9 am so i copped it.eventhough he hasnt been out of bed before 930 for 2 weeks as i needed to put lights on and get dressed for work.Charming.

The situation seems dreadful for all of you and the stress for all the family sounds almost intolerable. No wonder your marriage is under stress.

However you can't be superwoman and be there for your parents and children and employer and also be a ministering angel to DH who seems to expect this from you. I know having a HA is more than just a one off episode and depression is often felt for some time after. Add to that the ED and his mental health must be very fragile at the moment.

So is yours even though you feel you may be coping. I can't offer any advice except to both recognise the huge life changing experiences you are both having and try to find a way to pull together instead of pulling apart.

With all that is going on.... Try and take a bit of time for yourself

Thanks ladies i do take time out.i dont really have much time for going out but popping out shopping even window shopping and a bit of music in my car and i can put problems in perspective.At least dh s colonoscopy was clear and was not cancer but something minor plus blood thinners causing problems.I have delegated chores to 17 yr old dd while she looks for work as she dropped out of the 2nd part of A levels as she was struggling.

well last night i asked about us booking a holiday as last yr i got on the companies booking system too late (i couldnt get online) and other people had taken the summer hols by march.Then DH had decided to take up olf so my whole summer was a washout.
I could sense the sighing and eyerolling and a general resistance to commit to anything.i have bookd time in aug and he doesnt care where we go!
Then i asked him about the whole relationship and if it is just a symptom of him not wanting us to be together,with his ED as well.
Apparently me moaning on about work,there was an issue with my new boss last yr that seems to be resolved.i didnt want to leave with DH recovering from his HA.I am not allowed to talk about my work colleagues/friends.
Now he is saying that his ED could be my fault for always going on!! Previously he said it was his problem.I have no idea what to do although i am swaying towards seperate lives as the lack of affection,sex support or any life together in the form of going out.we hardly see each other and i stopped calling him on his lunch break so i dont know when i moan on.
Dads chemo starts today so i will concentrate on him for now especially as he seems so despondant having waited months for it.

Why aren't you allowed to talk about your work colleagues?

He was right the first time the ED is not your fault, he's just trying to blame you now for the sake of it.

No idea i do chatter on but i love my job so much i might tell him of somethings that happen,D said this or G s hrs may get cut so i may get more.my boss isnt bullying me since i doubled my hrs and seems to have a new respect.
I feel quite hurt that when i need him most he is being weird,he said i mustnt talk of dad dying though he was up all night with pain from the cancer and has chemo 3 days this week and mum sees her oncologist.A hug or anything would be lovely right now :)

ED is common after a heart attack because of the medication. I hope he is speaking to the doctors about his problems, including the depression, as there may be different medications that can help. If he is reluctant maybe if you said you were thinking you needed to separate he will rethink it.

Hi weather vain thanks for the reply.I have suggested we seperate and he just says "do it if thats what you want" if you dont like me leave so all our hard work and sticking out the tough times so we could have a life when the kids were teens isnt happening.It makes me wonder if thats what he wants but isnt in a position either to do it.

Today my boss told me compassionate leave i 2 to 3 unpaid days eventhough i work for a large company.We were having some banter with a guy with his new girlfriend and my boss told me "you get no sex because you are minging P... onwards and upwards eh.

i cant decide whether to rent a room somewhere rather than sleep downstairs in my home with mr angry where my kids and pets live though thati enjoy seeing daily or leave my job which is very stressful in the summer and i can get away from my rude manager but i would miss the work and people as ive been there 11 yrs...help !!!

Your boss sounds charming. Have you thought of logging all his comments. He might have his own agenda in terms of trying to get rid of you. You say you've had problems in the past at work. I don't think he should be allowed to talk to you like that, not very professional. In fact I would be reporting him. But that is just me. Together with your own Prince charming you are between a rock and a hard place. Your boss has "new respect for you?" I don't think so, I think he would be worried about filling shifts if you stopped doing double ones. What kind of contract do you have, it doesn't sound a very fair.
You sound like a strong woman and you have my admiration, but don't leave your home.. your dc need you, ask DH to leave.

So sorry about family illness, it is soul destroying x

Thank you 3 teenageboys nice to hear something positive.In the past ive had depression and panic attacks in my 20s so i am quite proud that i have so much to contend with and still keep on going.My boss has been quite ok the last few months after he realized keeping on about me being old( i am 48) wasnt gettting to me.Also he took on another girl while i had 3 weeks sick last yr or the 1st time in 10 yrs.The new girl keeps having time off.

I also have my reasons for doubling my hrs if i lived alone i would have to so better to build up while i have dh helping out here and it keeps me away rom being shouted at and getting stressed at my 17 yr old who hasnt made enough effort to find a job!!
Everyone else at work is so lovely..like a family:)
I feel i have lost my DH his personality has changed and when he said i cant get an erection because you go on about your work the other night i was so hurt.It was 1130 i had just got in from an 11 till 11 shift and it was busy!!
regards the boss..someone did report him and got no where he took delight in telling us.

My lovely Dad had chemo 3 times this week and Mum got the ok from her oncologist to go back in 4 months.Thank you for replying xx

Myboss has been quite ok the last few months after he realized keeping on about me being old( i am 48) wasnt gettting tome.

It might not have been getting to you, but that's not okay. Do track everything like this that he says. Saying you're minging is totally unacceptable. You should be able to expect to be treated with respect in the workplace, not to be picked on. If you log all incidents like this, you can see what the pattern is, if you need to take it further.

You should also be able to expect to be treated with respect at home. Wanting to unwind a bit when you get in from work isn't unreasonable.

Your husband has health issues (that doesn't excuse him being a git; it might explain the ED though.) Your parents have health issues. You have a teenager being a teenager. You're working double shifts and it's stressful because others are are having time off and your boss doesn't always treat you well.

Where do your needs come in to any of this? Who is looking after you? You cannot go on like this indefinitely. I hope you can get a break. Take care.

I am on hols for 2 weeks now.Usually i am not too good at anything more than 3 days ha ha.I am a get up and go happy morning person.But on this occassion i can use some of my rainy day fund to maybe get a haircut and some fun.I never get it cut properley as it can be quite expensive.Foolishly i turned down social occassions as im am not much of the going out type and i prefer to keep the cash for kids clothes and shoes etc.
I thought Dh and i would be enjoying our time now the kids are grown up.All the 80-94 hrs working weeks for a reason.
He knows if we dont go anywhere this yr there is no point carrying on.
I have arranged to meet a couple of the girls for a drink tues.
I have to make real efforts to go out socially as i will be devastated when my Dad deterioates or worse.
I will have no one to turn to.My kids are 15 and 17 old enough to be left.

When you posted last year I thought it sad you and your DH had got to this point. I wasn't convinced you and he had really got past that affair you had, (though if memory serves wasn't he dallying with someone way before you had your affair?). There's a difference between rebuilding trust and grimly hanging on and as things stood they weren't promising much by way of future happiness.

I remember the reason why you didn't want to split up was mostly to do with keeping stability for your DCs. I am not having a go but do you ever wonder whether the DCs are oblivious to the atmosphere at home?

Cancer is a cruel disease it is not surprising you are buckling under the strain of both parents being ill. If you try and block it out by plunging into work I can understand unfortunately your DH probably feels bad for thinking it but perhaps secretly resents that you are pulled in different directions.

Work has been a sanctuary in spite of your ageist boss who has always sounded a difficult character to work for. If home life were sweeter I don't think you'd pour so much of yourself into work.

I know 28 years is a long time but of that time how long do you reckon you and DH have been happy? The first dozen years perhaps? Married life isn't all daisies I know. If you reflect on your experiences consider the good positive things and then count up unhappy phases = his illness, rows, differing sex drives, sulks, rows, selfishness that slowly emerged (eg you sleeping downstairs on a couch for years because of his snoring, refusal to bother with family holidays yet the golf trip with his buddies), eventually unfaithfulness or porn habits that outweigh intimacy and basic affection.

If I recall correctly it hurt your feelings when your DM said something like enduring to this extent is existing not necessarily living. She was trying to tell you life is short but too precious to cling onto something that no longer sustains you. It is scary looking at drastic change but for one who gives so much your relationship with DH drags you down when in every other area you are coping so much better.

Donkeys you are so right,,little by little the goalposts have moved and i wouldnt want to be treated by anyone the way they treat me right now!!My job was lovely until we got taken over a yr ago but i hung on because my Dh cut his hours because of his HA.I dont blame him in a way as life threatening illness makes people "selfish"Mum said when she was diagnosed she suddenly felt very selfish.
I probably stuck at things as my parents have been together 50 yrs.Although my Dad had well paid job and is a true gentleman,never heard him swear ever.
I agree my job was my escape from a struggling marriage although many wouldnt consider a fast paced kitchen enviroment fun ha ha.
Point is what to do in my current situation,billy no mates with 3 loved ones taking it in turns to be ill since 2012.
Yes the sleeping has been raised over xmas who would let their wife work over the time they have 2 weeks off and still sleep downstairs!! not the man i used to know.:(

Much better week..im on hols and i went with DH to buy him a car as his pretty much died and he already had money set aside.
Strangley he has been like his old self,kind and considerate.
He told me he stopped taking his " angry pills" and his EDdisappeared though he admitted his temper was coming back(i havent seen it).
Dads chemo was 3 times and he didnt end up hospitalized :) infact i cooked him his fav meal and he tackled it quite well.
I have made it clear to our17 yr old that she has to find a job.I also told DH i would be having a hol this yr with or without him!!.
I think our shift work has alot to answer for and so does my ignorant boss.I am looking for another job as no one from work has contacted me so maybe they wont be as supportive as i hoped when either parent passes away.
I am quite a workaholic and turned down the chance to cover someones 12 hr day during my hols as they have failed to help me when i have been ill.Maybe i have grown a backbone. :)