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Original poster

Can my wife ever forgive my affair?

129 replies

Funkywotsits · 02/01/2015 21:07

Hello,
I'd like some honest advice please.
Back in 2014 I had a silly,brief,stupid and first time ever affair.
I told my wife it was going on and stupidly told her our marriage (7 yrs) was over.
I left her ( and my sons) for three days before opening my eyes and seeing what a stupid mistake I had made.
I ended the affair straight away and asked to come home and she said 'No'.
We have lived apart for 6 months now but have talked about going for counselling ( Relate) soon.
I truly regret this ever happening and over the past six months have kept some distance as asked,sought 1-1 counselling,kept regular contact with my Son's,paid monthly amount to run family home and caused no trouble or hassled her.
Can she ever forgive me? Does that happen?

OP posts:
AmantesSuntAmentes · 03/01/2015 23:32

selfless desires snort!

Of course we have cheats all wrong, expat! I mean, despite every one of them trotting out exactly the same bs, before, during and after their affairs, cheats are individuals, with unique perspectives, which we should fall for give due respect and attention to. Hmm

In all seriousness, it's so lovely to hear of your cousins happiness Smile. When women can find a way to recover, they can absolutely flourish after a cheat. Particularly in a real relationship, with a loving and worthy partner. Good for her!

AmantesSuntAmentes · 03/01/2015 23:32

selfless desires snort!

Of course we have cheats all wrong, expat! I mean, despite every one of them trotting out exactly the same bs, before, during and after their affairs, cheats are individuals, with unique perspectives, which we should fall for give due respect and attention to. Hmm

In all seriousness, it's so lovely to hear of your cousins happiness Smile. When women can find a way to recover, they can absolutely flourish after a cheat. Particularly in a real relationship, with a loving and worthy partner. Good for her!

expatinscotland · 03/01/2015 23:44

I never would have believed it was possible when I saw her during the divorce process, Amantes. She seemed so dejected and sad. Even when I saw her again after her new engagement (two years ago, I live abroad), I wondered if it would actually happen.

Wow! Saw them both again a few months ago, the wedding was being planned, and it was so lovely to see her, and him, being married.

quietlysuggests · 04/01/2015 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuggersMuddle · 04/01/2015 00:43

OP I have skimmed the thread. I don't know if your DW can forgive you, but if she can, can you deal with the fact that she will never forget?

I am one of those who is blessed with a very good memory. I can forgive, but I find it difficult to forget. Not that I think others can forget per se, but some people find it easier to put things to the back of their mind permanently than others and I'm not one of them (DP hasn't given me cause for this to be a concern, but I don't think I'm that uncommon).

FoolishFay · 04/01/2015 01:03

Her capacity for taking any crap from you will have diminished hugely.

I'm another one who is rebuilding my marriage after DH's infidelity. It's hard going at times and I do see him as a different person from before as I know him to be capable of things that I would not have imagined.

However, I've also changed and it's a different sort of relationship, on balance I would say it's much more honest and probably healthier.

On the whole I'm optimistic but the quote above made me smile!

LittleMissMarker · 04/01/2015 11:40

I can see what you get out of continuing the marriage, but what does your wife get out of “forgiving” you and staying married to you? Yes, you have been a good parent and a reliable provider for your children but you can carry on being those while living apart.

Your wife might forgive “an affair” but if she has been living through years of your mental health problems and you have rewarded her by saying that you can’t talk to her and having an affair with another woman and deciding to leave her and then changing your mind, then I really don’t see what forgiveness has to do with it. She may simply see marriage to you as no longer worth the effort she put in.

“I take 10000% ownership of my affair, no ifs or but’s.” is not convincing in the same posting as “burnout mentally” and “We were unhappy then, things needed to change” and “I wish I had been able to talk to her and not seek support … in OW.” That looks much more like trying to say what people want to hear while making excuses, blaming other people and pulling the wool over their eyes. You chose to have an affair instead of seeking counselling, and your wife might reasonably suspect your current efforts are as much a ploy to gain her pity as a genuine attempt to take responsibility for your own mental health. The best you can really do is continue to be a good father and show you will always behave decently towards her whether or not she wants you back.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2015 14:29

Yes, it's not about forgiving 'an affair' it's about deciding if you can and want to live with this different person. This person who is most certainly not the person you thought you were living with.

Right now, you definitely don't 'get it' and I don't think you will. That being the case, any form of attempted reconciliation would be a disaster, for her. I actually think, that if you genuinely love her and want the best for her you will let her get on with her life without you.

But it's not about her is it...it's about you.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 04/01/2015 15:54

I actually think, that if you genuinely love her and want the best for her you will let her get on with her life without you.

I agree with Chipping and LittleMiss.

Surely, she deserves better than you've proven yourself to be?

AmantesSuntAmentes · 04/01/2015 15:54

I actually think, that if you genuinely love her and want the best for her you will let her get on with her life without you.

I agree with Chipping and LittleMiss.

Surely, she deserves better than you've proven yourself to be?

Louboutin37 · 04/01/2015 16:42

Speaking from experience, I think that she can forgive you, but one day, after you two have put a plaster over the relationship (if you get back together) she will look at you and truly despise you for what you've done and question why she didn't get the hell out.

I tried, but after 3 years of misery of me always feeling second best I got out. I've never been happier

worserevived · 04/01/2015 16:57

There are some really wise informed posters on here, and I for one will come back to their words in future. I will also keep some of the posts for DH to read. Really uplifting to find a thread on infidelity which hasn't gone down the usual one track route. Thank you for posting.

BathtimeFunkster · 04/01/2015 17:07

We were unhappy then, things needed to change.I took a terrible way to ensure that happened, but if any positive can come from this ( and we are together again) then a change in parts of our relationship was needed.

Jesus, you really haven't got a clue, have you?

YOU don't get to say your affair was a good thing because a change was needed in your relationship.

What an completely arrogant fool you are to even think about describing what you did in those terms.

"Oh, it was actually a really good thing that I got to fuck someone else that I fancied for a bit and play around with the idea of walking out on my family, because OUR RELATIONSHIP NEEDED TO CHANGE!!!"

I really hope she dumps you.

IrianofWay · 04/01/2015 18:08

Who knows. It's up to your wife and she may not even know the answer yet.

You have been seeking the 'why'. OK. Good stuff. It never hurts to delve into ones own motivations and seek to address one's issues. But please be aware that that is a task 100% seperate from the reason for your affair. The reason for your affair was selfishness - that is the only reason that matters. If you had been thinking or caring about anyone else, it wouldn't have happened.

DH had an affair - 2.5 years ago. We are still together but it has taken this long to be anywhere near 'fixed' and for me to feel completely safe in our marriage. But I'll be honest with you, if he had once told me our marriage was over and he was leaving for the OW, I could not, simply could not, forgive, no matter how sorry he was afterwards. There was quite enough hurt to deal with without that.

FWIW I also had an emotional 'affair' (I put it in inverted commas because even now I feel a bit overdramatic calling it by that name as the most we ever did was hold hands!) 21 years ago and I can tell you I didn't give stuff about DH when it was happening. It was exciting, ego-boosting and I was walking on air. Thankfully the OM overplayed his hand and pushed too hard for what I wasn't ready to give, and I ended it. But that wasn't a sign of character on my part - just fear and more selfishness.

Your wife is seeing a different man - one who isnt the one she married - and she is contemplating whether she wants to gamble on him for her future or not.

Original poster
Funkywotsits · 04/01/2015 18:22

Thank you all for your comments and opinion,its been a massive help.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 04/01/2015 23:09

He didn't say that bathtime.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/01/2015 11:55

He said -

things needed to change in our relationship.

If anything positive can come out of this, then it's that things will have changed because of what I did.

*

You have to be a particularly unfeeling oaf to watch the wife you destroyed with your betrayal attempt to recover from what you did to her by your free choice and try to claim that there are any "positives" to come out of it.

Yes, the marriage has changed - it has been completely fucked up by one person's selfishness.

You might as well claim that an earthquake that destroyed your house and injured members of your family (but not you) was a good thing because you really needed to change the living room carpet.

One day, if she decides that her life would be better with him in it, SHE might think that some good came out of it.

But it is staggering that in the midst of the pain he caused to other people he is trying to make that claim on their behalf.

Definitely person b.

viruswithhold · 05/01/2015 12:12

I wish u well op, I am 6 years on from finding about my dh affair it still hurts like hell. I know some people on here kinda of make it work after the affair, its never the same, its like living with a stranger, however I feel the kindest thing you can do is let your wife go. In the hope that you can both move on an enjoy you life. As I wouldn't wish how I feel on my worse enemy.

IrianofWay · 05/01/2015 12:17

"One day, if she decides that her life would be better with him in it, SHE might think that some good came out of it."

Quite. Its up to her NOT YOU to decide that. And if it happens it will take a lot of time.

Windywinston · 05/01/2015 12:26

Bloody hell TheyLearnedfromBrian, you're a genius. That's probably the best post I've ever seen on MN.

OP, until you come to terms with the fact you're version B it's unfair to ask your wife to accept version B.

MonstrousRatbag · 05/01/2015 12:29

From your title OP it seems to me you feel the onus is on your wife to change position so you can put everything back together, and you've done all the right things so why isn't she doing it?. Be honest: is there a degree of resentment that she has reacted this way and 6 months on you are not back home?

If I were her and I sensed this pressure to 'forgive' I would interpret it as pressure to back down and it would enrage me. This as much as anything else would actually be a stumbling block to any kind of rapprochement.

Face it, the marriage as it was before is dead. The question is, can you create a different relationship that works for you both? Only if you respect her differences of opinion and perception, and allow her her feelings.

badbaldingballerina123 · 06/01/2015 00:08

I know what he said bathtime. But he didn't say oh it was a really good thing I fucked someone else and it's positive that things changed because of what I did. That's your own spin. I don't think he thinks it's a positive outcome for anyone.

The counselling is a positive thing Op , but be very careful of using issues raised in counselling as a way to justify your affair. I'm not saying your doing that but ensure it never sounds like that. There is no justification and thousands of people have a range of issues and they don't resort to infidelity. I feel there's only really one reason for an affair , someone wants to have one and they feel entitled to have one. I suppose that's two reasons.

Why someone wanted to have one and felt entitled to have one needs to be looked at , away from any other issues.

Original poster
Funkywotsits · 06/01/2015 17:53

Valid points Badbalding.
I have a few more sessions agreed in counselling before we start Relate.Looking at person B,as Iv now been named is crucial to the insight I need.

OP posts:
Mom2K · 06/01/2015 18:42

I can't speak for anyone else - but I don't think I could ever take back someone who cheated on me. I would hope I could eventually forgive, but I would never ever trust that person again.

kaykayred · 07/01/2015 12:07

Who knows? Not us, that's for sure. It's totally up to your wife.

You made your decision. You cheated on your wife and family. Not just once, but for a period of two months. You were the one who put not just yourself, but your wife and entire family in this situation.

Whether or not your wife takes you back, you will both be "paying for this" for the rest of your lives, because it's an enormous betrayal that will never be forgotten (even if by some miracle she can forgive it).

Also bear in mind that alot of people take their partner's back and want to give the relationship another try, because they feel like they owe it to the children, only for the relationship to end a few months or years down the line when the betrayed party realises that they just can't do it.

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