Can my wife ever forgive my affair?

[Funkywotsits]

Hello,
I'd like some honest advice please.
Back in 2014 I had a silly,brief,stupid and first time ever affair.
I told my wife it was going on and stupidly told her our marriage (7 yrs) was over.
I left her ( and my sons) for three days before opening my eyes and seeing what a stupid mistake I had made.
I ended the affair straight away and asked to come home and she said 'No'.
We have lived apart for 6 months now but have talked about going for counselling ( Relate) soon.
I truly regret this ever happening and over the past six months have kept some distance as asked,sought 1-1 counselling,kept regular contact with my Son's,paid monthly amount to run family home and caused no trouble or hassled her.
Can she ever forgive me? Does that happen?

[JonesTheSteam]

izzie I don't mind at all, it just felt weird to read them when I wasn't expecting it.

I will never forget and DH knows this.

I also believe he will never forget how much he has hurt me.

Everyone is different and everyone deals with things differently.

Just because people choose to stay with someone who has cheated doesn't make them weak.

Neither does walking away automatically make someone strong.

If every situation were the same, then no-one would need to post on here, would they?

I've chosen, not yet to forgive but to look forward. Accept he has done it but believe he won't do it again. And I'm not talking in terms of never yet. I'm still a long way from that and from complete trust.

It helps that I am generally not someone who sees things as black and white. I also have a close friend who had an affair (for very different reasons to my DH, although I guess the ultimate reason is selfishness). Her marriage didn't survive discovery, but she didn't want it to. Yes, it was an appalling thing to do. But she has been an amazing friend for almost 30 years and I find it impossible to believe that she is a bad person through and through rather than a good one who made very bad choices.

I have another close friend whose sister had an affair and she and her H have now been married for over twenty years now and have two wonderful children who wouldn't exist if she hadn't been given another chance by her DH.

Each to their own...

[Funkywotsits]

Thank you so much Joanthesteam
Your post are of great help and have encouraged me to continue to prove my regret & show my wife we can move on from this.

[expatinscotland]

Six months is early days.

[Greencurtain]

Who can say?

However, I do think that every day that goes by makes it less likely, unfortunately for you.

If 6 months have gone by, she has probably made permanent adjustments to her life.

You need to ask her directly. Pussyfooting around won't help.

(I don't mean this as harshly as it sounds but...) I think your counselling is self indulgent. You know right from wrong and you chose wrong. If I was your wife, I wouldn't give a rat's arse if you came up with some wishy washy reasons/justification for cheating and leaving.

I do think cheating is black and white (in the absence of abuse). If you're married, cheating is wrong. Why so many people do it baffles me.

[JonesTheSteam]

To clarify my post.

Cheating is always wrong. That is black and white.

Doing something wrong doesn't make someone a bad person through and through.

Even good people make bad choices.

[Funkywotsits]

Green: Cheating is black and white,in the absence of abuse?
Explain please.

[Funkywotsits]

And although I'm inviting another barrage of abuse,I'm not a bad person,I made a very very bad decision.Please god I don't pay for it forever

[Vivacia]

I'm not a bad person No, but you are version B, not version A.

I made a very very bad decision No, you repeatedly made a series of deceptive, cheating, self-serving decisions over a sustained period of time.

[Vivacia]

Please god I don't pay for it forever I don't think your wife is sulking with you.

[Deserttrek]

I'm always 'perky' when I have my kids over to stay......NB I'm not sat posting on here in front of kids,they're safely engrossed in Minecraft and Haribo



Children first. Post later.

[Funkywotsits]

Read Jones thread comments Viv.Good people make bad decisions also. Re sulking (?)

[Funkywotsits]

Dessertrek ????
Odd comment.Kids fed,watered,fully engaged in activity.
Do I sit on call?
Sorry not being defensive, just felt ok to post if having 5 mins

[JonesTheSteam]

I am not in any way on your side OP.

I am just putting my point of view across and explaining the comments izzie posted and where I am now.

Your posts still seem very 'woe is me, pity me', rather than, 'my poor wife, how can I show her I truly regret this and love her, and will never do this again.'

My DH has never taken the stance that he should be pitied for having an affair, and quite frankly, if he had he'd be long gone... :-/

[springydaffs]

Dear me you're going to have to seriously pick over this thread to get the meat, OP. But there's some good meat in here, along with the cynicism. And hatred. I'd take a step back from the thread iiwy as it could undo the good the therapy is doing you. (Self-indulgent my arse: whoever wrote that has never had therapy.)

We can only guess who you are, what has happened, what your marriage was like, 'why' you did what you did (apart from rank selfishness: that's a given, regardless what was going on in your life).

I'd cut back on being jolly here, though. You (or what you've done) are a hated presence. Please don't think you're among friends.

[Funkywotsits]

Sorry Jones,I wasn't noting you were on my side,you've shown forgiveness can be earnt.My post seem to have given the wrong impression.This is no pity party for me.Many of my comments talk of my regret for re hurt Iv caused all,not all I was in a bad place etc.My genuine objective is to understand her hurt,re earn trust,prove my love and loyalty in our new 'place' but if I'm still in the same headspace that won't happen.So I do need to recognise my needs also

[Funkywotsits]

Springdaffs:Valid points.
I posted in anticipation of scorching, but many have given really great advice.
I don't feel I'll be a regular poster,but may dip a toe in now and again as some posters have really given me insight.

[Funkywotsits]

Springydaffs: Agree re comment re counselling,it's far from something I would call self indulgent.Its been greatly difficult for me to drag open all
old wounds and trawl through experiences Iv hidden away for 35 yrs ( if that's woe is me then sorry) An experience of value,but great hurt also.

[expatinscotland]

'My genuine objective is to understand her hurt,re earn trust,prove my love and loyalty in our new 'place' but if I'm still in the same headspace that won't happen.So I do need to recognise my needs also'

You still don't get it. You are still making it all about getting her to do what you want, this new place where you want her to be, of course, recognising your needs and your headspace. It's still all about you. You cannot understand her hurt because you still think you are person A, just someone who happened to participate, willingly, in lies, deception and repeated sex with another person, not person B. When person B is who you are, a person who lied and lied, fucked another woman and all the intimacy that goes with that, and then left your wife and family.

But you want her to 'heal' and you don't want to pay for this forever. But you will. See, some actions, they cannot be undone. Even if your partner forgives you, it's still always there.

I really hope she can continue to be strong enough to put her needs first.

[expatinscotland]

You don't have a new place, because you told her the marriage was over so you could go and shag another person. And then, three days later, you wanted to come right back and go on pretending it was all just a mistake.

Even now, you are all about your own goal, not hers or what might be best for her.

And that is why I hope she is able to move on from you, because that is really, really selfish, and despite the other things you write, still what you want - what YOU want.

And yeah, LOL as 'back in 2014'. That was just a few days ago.

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

It's always amused me, that men have thought they stood any chance of returning following an affair. Really, it has! I honesty found the pathetic and rather conceited wish to have it all ways, to be both a cheat and a partner, quite laughable. The egotism of that concept! Brilliantly funny.

I would have far preferred those men to form a long and loving relationship with the ows, so that all of the pain, hurt, etc, could have had reason and purpose.

As it is, when a cheat changes their mind and decides they want their poor, dear partner after all, what purpose has the cheating served at all? Other than to reduce the cheat to an inconsequential, unreliable, disloyal accident in the lifetime of the dear partner and the dear partner to an undeserved mess of humiliation, pain and confusion. Or into a cynic, like me!

[Funkywotsits]

Points missed Expat, Things can be misinterpreted in text form.Im not as good with my words or explanations as some of you it seems.I fully accept this is all in DW hands and control, there is every chance she will not forgive me.I will continue to back off,allow space and see what Relate brings.It seems it's easy to pick the bones out of everything I say.Facts are facts,I totally fucked up my marriage and betrayed her and our children.I feel I expressed my wish to support her needs throughout this thread.But I've got to be clearer in my mind to see the full picture.Im not yet there,that's also why I posted on MN.So I don't profess to 'get it' yet,but upto and in Relate I will listen and learn.

[expatinscotland]

Of course, Amantes, anyone who sees it differently is wrong and just misinterpreted the selfless desires of the cheater.

My cousin's husband cheated on her and their two sons, too, about 5 years ago. The OW was pretty classic, too: a work colleague. He was a cliche.

He also ended it 'right away', he made a mistake, whatever I can do blah blah blah. And they went to Relate, after about 6 months. He thought it was to try to get the relationship back, but to her it was to make the divorce easier. She had already started to work on moving on emotionally. Who wouldn't, after your husband comes home, tells you he doesn't love you anymore, he is dipping his wick in another woman and leaves his family? Can you imagine? She had to go and give their sons some cock n bull excuse.

I have to say, the photos from her second wedding a couple of weeks ago are wonderful! She met, through my sister, a high school friend of my sister's who'd never been married (they are both 46), nor had kids, an only child, and I dunno, it's just so wonderful to see this new family. He is a terrific stepdad to the kids. They are now teens, and have found out why their parents marriage broke up, and, even though my cousin was so dignified throughout it all, and has never slagged off their dad or even made mention of the affair, they found out and don't care to see him beyond what the court orders. They walked her down the aisle this time. They are all so happy now.

So it's entirely possible this woman can indeed find a 'new place', with a person who doesn't go and put his dick in someone else when times get rough and then tell her it's all over, leave the family then say, 'Oh, whoops, that was just a blip on the radar. Just kidding!'

[AnonyMuse]

I am a betrayed wife who stayed. Like Jones I detest the belief commonly held on here that that shows a lack of self respect or strength. I have plenty of both.

I have forgiven some aspects of the affair, in particular the sexual side. But a year on I still find myself occasionally feeling incandescently angry about the lies and the deception and the rank selfishness. It only takes my DH to show a smidgen of selfish behaviour for the hurt and rage to come flooding back. He continues to try very hard to be person A again. But I'll never forget that he demonstrated beyond doubt that he can be person B. Are you prepared for the fact that if your DW does take you back, you will have to try so much harder than you ever did before to demonstrate that her needs are uppermost in your mind at all times, that she won't feel like cutting you any slack, indulging your whims and moods, tiptoeing around the stresses and strains of your work life? Her capacity for taking any crap from you will have diminished hugely. Do you think you would be willing to deal with that? For years not merely months?

Have you thought really hard about why you did what you did? Your reference to running away from the stress of your life sounded very glib to me. In my DH's case it was a gradual process of becoming disenchanted with his life, slowly becoming more selfish and entitled. How did you give yourself permission to kiss OW the first time? That, to my mind, is the barrier that person A would never cross. And I know all about work stress etc (have a very demanding professional role, working long hours etc etc). I hope you're exploring that in counselling. Because until you understand why and how you allowed yourself to betray her you cannot hope to be the person she needs you to be if a reconciliation is to have any chance of success.

[Funkywotsits]

Great post Anony,to sum up the body of my counselling work is all about the 'Why', that's the one repeated question I've been asked by DW.
We put off Relate at my request as I wasn't clear enough in my mind to answer fully and honestly.
I'm getting there.I know more about my behaviours and the link to past now ( not more woe is me)
Re am I prepared to out the work in?
I will do whatever it takes to make this work.That I promise.

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

selfless desires snort!

Of course we have cheats all wrong, expat! I mean, despite every one of them trotting out exactly the same bs, before, during and after their affairs, cheats are individuals, with unique perspectives, which we should fall for give due respect and attention to.

In all seriousness, it's so lovely to hear of your cousins happiness . When women can find a way to recover, they can absolutely flourish after a cheat. Particularly in a real relationship, with a loving and worthy partner. Good for her!