platonic (?) friendships with men - advice needed!

[OhWhatShallIDo]

I have a good male friend. We are both single, and I have strong feelings for him. For various reasons I had decided to keep these under wraps, but I can't shake a lingering feeling that he might like me too. I'm not sure whether I am misreading things though: although I had some good male friends when I was younger, recently most of my close friends have been women.

E.g. when we are in a group of people, we will often catch each other's eye and smile and/or laugh at something that is going on. Is this just completely normal, and am I reading far too much into it to see it as a sign of connection/chemistry?

Excellent point about the self-confidence, Twinkelstein. That does sound a bit depressing read back!

lol I was thinking what twinklestein was

Was going to say go out have a few drinks see what happens when a few inhibitions have gone.

Prob best not to get blotto and fling yourself at him though, although TBF that doesn't always end in tears

Thanks too, Dr. Morbius. Oh God, I just can't imagine saying that though. I guess I am worried that it will just make things awkward and he'll feel put on the spot. Also that he'll reinterpret everything that's happened in our friendship as a sign of me fancying him - when there's a lot more to it than that.

A Bit of Dutch courage could be a help!

Failing that I'd send a text. Pretty ground breaking... 'fancy going for a drink/coffee?'

You're in danger of over complicating this massively!

"I just want to give him a gentle way out. I do think that the chances are that he's not interested, this is more about me getting some closure on the whole thing."

Yeah I know that feeling of wanting closure, it's just that if he is interested in you but a little bit shy then he might panic and take your gentle way out if you suggest it to him.

In my experience, never give people the easier option of getting themselves out because the shyer/coy types will usually accept running away rather than face their true feelings.

You'd probably be gutted if he just simply replied "okay then", so make him show his feelings one way or other.

"Is getting pissed and jumping his bones out of the question?"

Haha, this is the true British way.

I think he would have suggested a drink/coffee if he wanted to see if this could be more than friendship, OP. He doesn't sound shy - as you say, je's friendly with many women. He would have nothing to lose by suggesting a friendly chat over a drink and then seeing what happens, but he didn't. It usually means hehas reasons not to, either not attarcted or doesn't want a relationship (do you know his history? is he def single?).
Saying that you could do the same now and ask him for a drink and then see if ramping up the flirting would lead anywhere (he'll leap at the chance if he was just unsure about your feelings). Be confident but not very hopeful.
Eye contact and smiling not enough - is the eye contact ever 'serious' (wistful) rather than smiley/jokey?

Hmm. What's his romantic history? Can you engineer a chat about that sort of thing?

Very difficult this, I've been there. Be prepared is my advice. I know the feeling of wanting to know as it is unbearable at times. Wish you all the best, & whatever the outcome you will feel better afterwards.

Thanks for all your advice. It is reminding me why I haven't broached this before. I know I sound like a wimp, but if things get awkward there is a fair bit at stake. Perhaps I just need a way to privately get over it. The funny thing is that I am not even looking for a relationship, so have zero motivation to start online dating and meet somebody else (which would no doubt be the best way to proceed).

"The funny thing is that I am not even looking for a relationship, so have zero motivation to start online dating and meet somebody else (which would no doubt be the best way to proceed)."

Sometimes that's how things start; when you're not looking.

As he's a good friend there's no harm in asking him out for a drink or similar alone together. Just keep suggesting doing things together and if he always turns you down then you'll have your answer; that he only likes you as a friend.

Definitely don't run away to join the circus of online dating until you at least know that he's not interested.

I vote fora non-date-date as well. Cinema is good because it is quite intimate. Maybe one of the more boutique style cinemas with sofas and drinks brought to you - even as friends you can't fail to have a nice evening.

My experience is that whenever I felt a strong attraction to a male friend and that nervous chemistry thing, it is reciprocated. Not because I am super-hot or anything but I think in order to generate chemistry, you need both people to be feeling it. I think you can have a crush that isn't a two way thing, but that buzzy, eye contact thing? Usually has to be coming from both sides.

I was in exactly this situation, and my eventual strategy was to get really pissed and ask him what was going on in words of less than one syllable.
It worked and we're now very happily married. I knew that if he said he wasn't interested I could have put it immediately behind me.
He has since said that he was delighted as he was a bit shy and found it hard to read the signs. He's the first (and hopefully last guy) I'll ever make a move on. I wish I had previously had the courage to ask more men out as it seems to be that they are hopeless at it!
Be casual, but positive and be prepared to shrug off a rejection with "well if you don't ask you don't get" attitude" and let us know how you get on! ??

You've got to take this opportunity OP! Nothing worse than regretting something you didn't do.
I think you should take the plunge, either ask him out for a drink or have a frank chat. Leave out the negativity though :)
If he likes you (pretty good chance of this scenario), happy days, if not, I don't think it will be half as awkward as you think it will be.

I've been here. I had a work colleague / friend that I used to socialise with a lot outside work. I fancied the pants off him but was never brave enough to say anything or make a move, despite several drunken nights out together. Because we had similar personnalities I wasn't sure if he was having the same thoughts as me but wasn't going to do anything either.

I waited until we weren't going to see each other for a couple of weeks, he was working away, and then sent him an email saying I'd quite like to be more than friends. I got a very understanding reply saying he was flattered but didn't feel the same. Things were a bit odd between us for a couple of months but we did go back to being good mates, possibly better than before because now I don't spend my time wondering 'what if'.

What I'm trying to say is knowing is better than not knowing. If you can't bring yourself to do it face to face then try text or email. You have the opportunity to think carefully about what you're going to say before pressing send and he will have time to consider his reply rather than being put on the spot.

A word of warning: if you ask him in person there will be a short interval of incoherence, possibly including odd facial expressions and terrified flatulence. This is merely the male equivalent of a progress bar.

Thanks all for the advice. So impressed by all the brave people here who took the bull by the horns. Attt, our situation sound very similar. I'm glad you went back to being good friends.

Oh, resist getting really pissed, mumbling 'i think i love you' and then lunging at him kissing his eyelid!

I am very experienced at turning friends into boyfriends (and in one case, husband). I am also pretty good at reverting to friends after if needed. To the extent that some tables at my wedding were a bit like that scene in Four Weddings

You need 1:1 time - casually ask to meet for coffee, go to cinema, see what happens. Even if it's just he phones next to arrange a 1:1 non-date it might give you an indication. Have a drink but for god's sake don't even get tipsy.

If you are really nervous about asking, and have a trusted other friend, invite them both out and get the friend to not turn up.

Also just because you click it doesn't mean you're meant to be together. But it's worth trying to find out.