PILs being confusing!

[KiltedKoala]

I know that gp childcare is an emotive topic on mn but please be gentle! I was a part-time OU student and sat my final exam in October. DD who is just over 2 goes to a CM 3 days a week as it was the only way I got any time to study.

At the moment I'm in a limbo period of job hunting and I got my results mid December so also applying for postgrad study options now.

In the midst of all this I then found myself unexpectedly pg. Stressful because I planned to return to work or study full time this year but we got our heads around it and were delighted. Unfortunately just before Christmas we discovered it was a mmc - I was supposed to be 11 wks and baby was 8 wks with no hb, having seen hb at 7 wks. It's our second mmc and we were totally gutted. I had ERPC on Dec 23, and am ok but still quite exhausted and with Christmas etc haven't had any time to recover emotionally. DH had to work all the time apart from the public holidays, and the CM is on holidays since Xmas Eve until the 12th. So the timing is rubbish and I am exhausted. I feel sorry for DD because I just don't have my normal levels of patience or energy.

Because DH felt bad about not being able to take time off, and was aware DD was tiring me out, he asked his DM if she and or FIL could look after DD one day next week to let me rest.

After having been really mean after our last mc, I had been surprised how lovely they had been this time - picking up DD from the CM on the Tuesday because I was still in hospital and keeping her until we picked her up about 9 (which was straight after I got out), and also looking after her on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day MIL gave me a cuddle and said if they could do anything let them know, here to help, blah blah.

So imagine my surprise when DH asks about another day next week and FIL totally lets rip - why can't KK do it, when will she get over it, why should we look after her child so she can rest? You went out a bit over Christmas so she obviously doesn't need rest....etc etc. Blindsided doesn't cover it - they offered help, we asked, and then we got a shouting match!

ps I didn't explain to them because I didn't think it mattered, but with everything that's happened I've fallen behind on job and uni applications so if they did look after her for a few hours, I would be catching up on jobs like that, not having a sleep!

I wrote them an email just to say I was confused and a bit hurt, that if they aren't free to look after DD that is totally fine but that the other comments were hurtful given that they had told me to ask if I needed help. Said email has been ignored so far.

Advice? Do I ask them if we've done something terrible to offend or take them for granted? DH just wants to ignore it but I think I am too hurt by the comments and the perception that I am lazy, should look after my own child (which I am doing most of the time) and should be over my mc.

I can't believe your husband rang up to say Happy New Year but didn't address the main problem.

I agree with those saying that you now understand where you (pl) stand with them, so leave them to it and distance yourself.

I do feel that your husband is a significant part of the problem here though.

Omg, back away big time.

I woud really cool off them and your dh isn't much good at supporting you here at all!

You likely come from a family of origin that is at heart emotionally healthy but your DHs family are not like that at all.

You are dealing with his parents and unfortunately for you they are totally and utterly unreasonable. You cannot even begin to reason with such dysfunctional people so do not bother with them any more. Your e-mail was fine to use on people who are basically emotionally healthy but they are not so e-mails do not work. Again you are dealing with people who will not respond and may well even use your words against you.

I think your DH is very much in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his parents and this is why he has not been at all willing and or able to properly confront them. He has had a lifetime of their conditioning and such is very hard to undo. He is as big a problem as his parents are, such weak men only really hurt their own selves as well as their own family unit.

I would keep well away from both his parents and your child does not need to be exposed to their influence either. If they cannot or will not behave decently they do not get to see either you or your child. Do not ever use them for any sort of childcare again. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

DH is generally not good at communication. I'm not sure if it's related to his experience with his parents or not. He's not into confrontation or defending me, it's just the way it is. He describes his DPs as "emotionally retarded", he knows they are not exactly normal. But I am hurt that he hasn't stood up for me on this one.

I understand your hurt but given "He's not into confrontation or defending me", his reaction shouldn't be a surprise. I think it's time you really accept your H for who he is and not what you want him to be.

It will take bloody hard work and a lot of time to break his dysfunctional relationship with his mother and he won't, if he doesn't want to. Currently your H is manipulating and disrespecting your opinions, in pursuit of his 'path of no resistance' relationship ideal between him and his mother.

The only way you are going to stop yourself and your chikd being consumed by your H's dysfunctional relationship with his mother is to stand up to him.

Is fil your dhs boss? Have you emigrated for dh to work in a family business. Am I reading between lines all wrong? That would be tricky

OK - the latest really takes the . FIL has apparently announced that they are coming round tomorrow morning to pick up DD and take her shopping and to the park for a couple of hours are they insane??!!

when DH was told this, he mentioned my email directly for the first time and was told "mum has decided she isn't going to reply" DH pointed out that the email was not only addressed to MIL and that perhaps FIL should read it and decide himself whether it needed a response. If they turn up here tomorrow there is no way she is going anywhere with them. I think I'm starting to realise these people live in la la land. Ahhh!

Yes, you sound very embroiled in their lives, did you say MIL asked about whether you were trying for a family - in a restaurant?

Probably MIL is being nice and helpful to your face and going home to FIL and ranting about being made use of.

Tell DH you don't want to deal with them and won't in future. He can deal with them, and you will find someone else to childmind. He can be upset and stressed by them (which he will if he doesn't stand up to them) but you don't have to be involved.

"If they turn up here tomorrow there is no way she is going anywhere with them"

DONT WAIT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN - GET YOUR DH TO DEAL WITH IT NOW.

Agreed.

Btw since it sounds like your father in law is senior to your husband at work, if he 'get called into FIL's office" again at work it's worth making it clear that what happens at work and what happens at home is separate. If he wants to give him a dressing down (!), it´s not going going to happen there.

I hope your husband can calmly and firmly make it clear that ignoring your email and its concerns isn't ok. Also .... don't they actually ask before taking your daughter out? Do they usually just tell you what's happening, when?