They couldnt make it any more obvious, but my kids will notice. thats what pisses me off.

[jimijack]

Mil died 3 years ago. She tolerated me, I know I was not her cup of tea.

Anyhow, I organized for dhs family to get together for a meal every year on her birthday. It's extended family too.
This year I haven't mentioned it, so fil took the lead & organized things. All good.
I'm working on the day arranged but can get there if it's tea time.
Dh mentioned this during the arrangements. Fil kind of smiled then continued with arranging afternoon.

Again, I know none of dh s family like me so it's fine by me.
My son is asking why I can't come. Told him I am working. I think he is twigging that all isn't rosy, this makes me sad.

Families are hard work .
So, do I go home after work or nip in knowing it will piss them off for a drink? I know she & my kids will be happy to see me, but it IS for late mil so don't want to upset anyone.
Btw I can piss them off by doing nothing at all, that's the way it's been for 20 years.

Yeah, poss pushy or insincere. I can never tell, can't do anything right.
Prob a good thing I'm out of the way. Can't offend them then can I.

Ahh well.

It just sounds as though you don't like each other. And that's ok, these things happen.

If you want your children to spend time with their paternal relatives, then do that, don't make it all about a woman you didn't get on with.

OP - It was a thoughtful and nice thing to do - and they must have thought so too, as they let you arrange it and participated 2 years on the trot....and thought it so nice that they kept the tradition on for a 3rd year.

However I dont think it unreasonable that the FIL went for a day and time which best suits the majority - a Sunday at 3...your suggestion to start a big extended family meal at 5pm is too late and incovenient for most people...maybe he was meeting the needs to her grieving children/sisters/blood relatives above a DIL who doesnt care less...if so he made the right decision for his surviving family and the memory of his late wife.

If you dont like these people, why get involved? If they are unpleasant why expose your dc to them.

Would ask DP to text when nearly over - then turn up to collect - not at 5 when they might be in the middle of mains?

Sod it - if the family didn't like the idea they wouldn't have organised it this year. If this is the main 'extended family' get together it doesn't sound as if the family is that close, but they've taken the baton and are running with it, so you did a good thing, OP. So what if they wish it had been their idea.

I'd just let it go and pitch up when you've finished work, at your own pace.