help. husband leaving. need advice

[Chatty100]

Hello everybody.
I have found myself in the situation that my husband is leaving me. A few weeks ago he told me that he's not in love with me anymore and that he wants more out of life. We decided to get Christmas out of the way first but now he's definitely going. We are best friends but not great husband and wife. We have three children who will be fine I know as they will come first.
I don't know what is going to happen now. We have a joint mortgage and I've looked on the internet to see what benefits I will get if he goes. Has anyone gone through this recently - what happens when they leave - do these benefits kick in quickly so that I can pay the mortgage and stay here? Eventually we'll need to sell the house so that we can both share the equity - what happens then - can I get a mortgage if I'm on benefits?? I just want me and the kids to be sorted.
I feel very calm at the moment and really do want to stay great friends with him. Im so sad that this has happened but don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me.

I agree with Finola completely. In your effort to be nice and sensible and fair and reasonable and not screw-him-over-like-all-of-the-other-bitter-divorcees you will give away your children's rights.

If you are married then there will likely be no you taking what equity you put in before the rest is split 50/50. All of the equity is an asset of the marriage.

He might be all fairness, and sweetness and light now but when the reality of paying for his own accommodation and bills plus adequately supporting his children kicks in, fully expect him to fight tooth and nail to get what financial advantage over you that he can. That is why it's very, VERY important for you not to formally commit to agreeing to anything. With three kids together he'll be expected to hand over 25% of his income in child-support as an absolute minimum.

When you have three children to house and support on your own, only 50% of equity in the family home is not reasonable or fair. Most especially when your youngest is only 2 and you will need to either work full-time and pay nursery fees or stay at home and compromise your own earning ability for the next X years.

Get proper legal advice before you do or agree to anything.

He may well 'over-pay' you according to CSA rules, but this can't be guaranteed and can be stopped at any time. I'm afraid you're naïve if you think yours and your children's financial status won't change as a result of the move so be very careful before moving out.

Definitely get legal advice: nice-seeming men very often use the 'let's sort this out without lawyers' line as a way of wriggling out of their responsibilities. You need to know what your rights are WRT the house, benefits, etc so he can't bullshit you.
Mind you, if thing between you and him really are amicable-but-you're-not-in-love, do you have enough room in your home to have separate bedrooms? Might that work? If he's a good dad who does his share of the housework and (most importantly) you could both cope with each other having new partners staying over at times, it might make better sense economically. Because he may or may not have a girlfriend (or someone in mind for the role) at present, but generally a man who wants to leave a marriage wants to have sex with other women.

The thing is when they are inside the family home involved in everything they have a very different perspective when they've moved out and it's 6 months down the line.

A 50/50 custody split can be very very disruptive for the children and so if he's to have them every other week his cost are going to be very little compaired to yours. He could get a two bed property
And he will only be feeding them twice a fortnight.

Seriously it won't be him getting screwed over, it very rarely is the man that comes out worse

PLEASE book a half hour free consultation with a solicitor who specialises in this area (just Google to find one close to you). I did this about a year ago and it was invaluable.

You can still go ahead with separation/divorce without the expense of mediation if you are both in agreement but it's really in your best interests to seek legal advice now so you can proceed fully informed.

PS the adage 'hope for the best but prepare for the worst' is a good one to remember

I agree to get legal advice. All the equity in our house was my money but because we owned 50/50, he was entitled to half of it. (Not that he took it, he did the right thing morally, hopefully your H will do the same).

I agree that what he says now will change once reality hits him, so the quicker you get things sorted out the better.

Well if you sat around doing nothing for nine years whilst he paid for everything....! Did this include paying for a nanny to look after the children and pay the nannys prnsion and NI stamp, did he do the same for the cleaner and other 24\7 help?

I get what your all saying. I guess I just look at it that we have been a team for 9 years and both of our contributions have been as important as the other so we both deserve 50% off the equity. He would still be paying me at least 25% off his wage and then would be putting money into an account for all the kids clubs/clothing/dinner money etc so anything that I would be getting would just be paying for the house and food. Once I am earning, he would still have to pay all that.

I know I am probably being nieve so Iwill get legal advice so that what ever we decide, it will be legally binding for the future.

I am not angry with him - I always asked that if his feeling towards me changed then he told me rather than going off and having an affair. He has done that and is really upset about it.
If there's another woman then the gloves are off but for now I'm going to try and go down the friends route but with the legal backing behind me.
Thanks for all the advice.

I hope you keep posting OP.

If you have over a certain amount of equity then you won't get income support only child tax credits / working tax credits
Yes he is being nice atm because he is getting what he wants
And at the moment it's not cost him anything

When it does start costing him money expect those promises to disappear quicker than piss & shut going down the toilet. Esp if there is another women in the background

40k won't go far when it has to support 2 separate households 25 percent CSA and live