Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Childish and unconcerned daughter

17 replies

Bongy · 13/10/2006 22:06

My daughter is 13 in May but acts more like a 6 year old. She will not brush her hair and it's always left for me to do in a morning which results in her screaming and shouting at me to "get off" at the top of her voice. She also refuses to wash it so on average it gets washed about twice a week and always looks messy and greasy, it isnt in any particular style as she won't do it properly and won't let me do it either, it just 'hangs' clinging to her face like a mop.

She also refuses to get a bath more than twice a week so she constantly stinks, she is overweight too and has started to get spots around her stomach and her groin which look like sweat spots. She genuinly doesnt care what she wears either, if I brought her a 50's flowered summer dress to wear to the shops she would happily put it on, she just doesnt care. She has some old black, old fashioned trainers that she has had for ages now and refuses to come shopping with me so that I can buy her some modern ones for school, she would rather keep the old fashioned ones than go shopping for new...what kind of 13 year old would do that??

Besides all this I am concerned about her childish ways, she has written a christmas list out and has put stuff like "gross magic" and megnetix etc...most of the stuff she wants is the kind of stuff little boys would play with, not 13 year old girls. Last year she still believed in father christmas and cried when I told her it was just something parents say to kids, I assumed she knew but she didnt!

Am I right to be worried here?

OP posts:
arsenelupin · 13/10/2006 22:16

Much sympathy but... I was the same at 13! Grumpy, unwashed, smelly, vile habits, staring in bathroom mirrors thinking, 'yuk'. I think the hormones kicking in made me hairy and sweaty for the first time, as well as some weight gain (it really was puppy fat). Hated myself. My Mum hated it (not me!) too, but she just let me get on with it and moaned to her friends. Eventually, I got over it - your DD will too. Bongy, she's just not a little girl any more, so treasure the memory of last year's Christmas and look forward to the next stage beyond this one!

nearlythree · 13/10/2006 22:24

I went through this at 11 when my periods started. I too hated myself. You get to the stage where you feel so ugly that you can't bear to put in any effort as you end up feeling worse for trying. It will get better, but in the meantime find out if she is being bullied as maybe you will need to step in at some point, both to help her understand why (her personal hygeine, for example) and with the school.

Re her Christmas list, I think she is probably trying to hang on to her childhood. She knows she is growing up and is scared. She will come to terms with it in her own time.

2ndtime · 13/10/2006 22:28

I had to break it to my DD about Santa a year ago (she's now 12) as I wanted to spare her the shame of being found out as a believer at high school. All the hygene issues aside, don't you think they have too little time to just be kids? Imagine if she was the other way and dressed like a trollop with full make-up and tarty clothes? We get some right sights from the kids who go to school near us. Let her be a little girl a bit longer. She'll change if and when she wants to. You can't make them grow up and frankly I cant see why you want to.

nearlythree · 13/10/2006 22:33

Yes, boy-mad slapper was the stage I went onto from stinky slob.

To think I have all this to ocme with our dds!

2ndtime · 13/10/2006 22:39

Have just re-read your message and I'm quite sad to hear the way you talk about her. It's not a crime to have no interest in fashion. I should know, I'm 34 and happily spend all my time in johdpurs and muddy boots (school runs and supermarket trips included). I go to the hairdressers once or twice a year if I really have to. This doesnt make me a bad person, just not vain and self obsessed. I'm happy with being me and don't give a shit what anyone else thinks. When I see the dolly bird mums at school I'm sorry for them that they must get an hour less sleep than me to allow them time to trowell their make up on and iron their frigging hair.
With regards to your daughters weight that is YOUR problem. You buy the food she eats and cook her meals. Give the kid a break. You need to help boost her self esteem not destroy it so be gentle with her.

phatcat · 13/10/2006 22:41

oh your poor girl bongy - do you think she might be feeling self concious and embarrassed and is just giving off the wrong signals. Maybe she won't try shoes on because she thinks her feet smell? I know when I was a fat and spotty teenager I refused to try anything on in shops because I was hyper self-concious. I came across as aggressive and sulky when in fact I was just scared and embarrassed. I hated myself then. What I really wanted was my mum to be kind and understanding (she wasn't) and help me to start to look after myself (she didn't). Could you buy her some nice skincare / haircare stuff and help her get into a routine with it. Look through some clothes catalogues and ask what she likes. Get her some girly mags, encourage healthy eating and exercise etc. It sounds like she's an over-sensitive girl and needs gentle handling.

nearlythree · 13/10/2006 22:46

I'm a big one for enlisting cool, older teenagers/twentysomethings to help out. Do you have a friend or relative that could suggest a shopping trip or make-over to your dd? Although I do agree with 2ndtime, if she is never interested it doesn't matter.

Does she have any interests at all?

soapbox · 13/10/2006 22:59

I suspect she is just reacting to your wonderful positive parenting!

Sakura · 14/10/2006 01:07

GO to the cinema or on a day out with her- that will be much more beneficial than persuading her to look pretty!!
Its striking that you care so much about her appearance in this way. WOmen are not born to be primped and preened into acceptable styles and shapes. They are born to express themselves and to be individuals. In the case of children, and especially teenagers, they WILL be individuals and will make sure their voice and personality is heard at any cost. Your daughter needs to know that you accept her no matter what she looks like- her looks are really but a tiny part of her. It seems like the more you emphasize that she should conform to a stereotyped (capitalist) image of women, the more grundgy she might become. It shows she`s got a brain in her head!
i could be wrong, but thats my take on it :-)

Sakura · 14/10/2006 01:13

a case in point- I suppose in a way, I rebelled against my hippie, flat shoed mum by shovelling on the slap and high heels as soon as I hit 14. she very wizely left me to it, although it was a good year or two later that I realized I was prettier with a minimum of make-up.

darlink · 14/10/2006 01:25

I have read these replies and cant get over how well thought out and considered they all are.

Have to agree with 2nd time. YOU have a huge influence on her weight as I presume you prepeare her meals and choose what food is in the house.
Do you have crisps and sweets in the store cupboard?
They need to go!
Give her Lots of tlc. Tell her you love her and she is lovely.

i don't think you need to worry.
She sounds like a super girl.

peegeeweegeeWITCH · 14/10/2006 20:55

Bongy - you sound like my mum did when I was a teenager. She was worried about my weight - but instead of going about it in a helpful way she told me that all her friends had been telling her I was looking fat and she did not like it. WTF? She almost had a go at me for not fitting in with the 'in-crowd' at school....

When I told her I was being bullied it was only of importance to her because of how it affected her imagage amongst her friends...

Please do not bug her about her looks/weight.
Just ensure you buy healthy foods, and try to befriend her instead of telling her how she should look.

I think her reluctance to take on a teenagers grooming routine and her christmas wishlist show she is not ready to grow into a teen but is mentally still a little girl. Let her be a little girl for a while younger, she is only 13!!

colditz · 14/10/2006 21:03

she doesn't care about her appearance, weight, hair or smell because she is a child.

If you make an issue over this she will recognise it as a short cut to wind you up. And she will wind you up with it. I can still get a rise out of my dad by telling him I have an egg a day.

Don't make a big deal out of this, bercause it really isn't a big deal.

TrickOrTref · 14/10/2006 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nearlythree · 14/10/2006 21:13

Bongy, been thinking about this some more today and I definitely think that you should steer well clear of any references to her appearance. Does she have any interests that you could encourage e.g. horseriding, poetry, singing? Try to praise her for ther things like when she is helpful or tries hard with her homework.

I agree that her not caring about fashion is refreshing. But the personal hygeine thing...well, IME that is a sign that she could be a bit depressed because that was how I felt. Apart from anything else, having greasy hair is bloody uncomfortable - you have to be seriously low not to want to do anything about it. I found the changes that my body was going through so overwhelming, and I hated it all so much, that I didn't know where to start to put it right. It wouldn't matter because it will pass, but for the fact it could make her the victim of bullies, thus perpetuating the cycle. I'd definitely see if there is someone you can trust who can help, who your dd respects and might listen to and open up to.

And steer clear of girl's magazines!

redsky · 14/10/2006 21:56

Poor little girl. She sounds vulnerable and self-loathing. Is there an older female around whom she respects who could help boost her confidence? Or an activity she enjoys that you could encourage or join in with her? I'm finding my dd (14) is needing me far more now than ever before - she gets grumpy if I try and 'tell' her stuff or nag her about washing etc.
I had ideas about us taking up a 'nice hobby' together like pottery and having 'girly chats' and shopping expeditions for her to try on clothes. The reality is she has taken up fishing and is happiest when I make time to go with her and she teaches me all the technical stuff. At least it keeps us communicating even if I have had to learn to bait hooks with live maggots and handle a disgorger!

dizietsma · 15/10/2006 12:05

Agree with most of what's been said, but would also add that it sounds to me that your daughter is, like many pubescent girls and boys, scared of growing up. I agree with the other posters that you should be working on her self-esteem through other routes than mere appearances. When she feels good about herself inside it will manifest on the outside.

And, c'mon, were you never a yuckky, moody and self-conscious Kevin? Show some empathy, eh?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page