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Original poster

I can't take it anymore

18 replies

STBSM · 31/12/2014 19:08

After the worst Christmas in the nine years we have been together I just want him gone.
He proposed to me on Christmas Day and when the ring didn't fit he the went ballistic at me because I had my ring size incorrect.
He isn't talking with his sisters ( long story their fault) and his mother is visiting staying with them for Christmas. She hasn't even bothered to congratulate him on our engagement or ring our kids on XMAS day to see how they are. Kids are 4 and 2. My DP is upset beyond belief but is taking his anger out on me and I'm fed up of it.
I am a SAHM and today he told me to not bite the hand that feeds me, because he started attacking my family because they dont do enough for us. This is true but I choose not to have confrontation about it becaus I want a quiet life. He says I am weak and have no principals because of it.
He doesn't seem to like anyone. Never has a good word to say, puts me down all the time by calling me stupid and is always telling me to shut up.
I just depise him now. I don't want to have sex with him and I'd rather sit upstairs on my own tonight than be with him.
I want to move out but my mothers advise is not to leave the house from a legal perspective. Otherwise I wouldn't be entitled to anything.
If I leave what benefits do I get if I get a full time job? I don't know how I can pay rent on a two bed property on a low wage. Please help. I need to make an escape plan.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/12/2014 19:13

Have a look on this site - you can input your financial details and it will say what you are entitled to. Good luck!

woowoo22 · 31/12/2014 19:17

You will get tax credits to cover childcare. The entitled to website is great.

Your life will be immesurably more relaxed without his drama and the headspace it requires.

Sapph1e · 31/12/2014 19:17

You agreed to marry him???

Original poster
STBSM · 31/12/2014 19:24

I thought we were going through a blip but I've had about it all I can take after today. I waited 4 years for that proposal and he just gave me the box and said will you marry me.
After 9 years of

  1. Cheating on me with his ex in 2008
  2. Kissing a girl at work and having an emotional affair in 2011 which I found out 2 weeks after I had my daughter.
  3. Striking up the emotional affair again in 2013. 2 weeks again after having my son
I think I have taken just about enough. I really did think that after everything we had gone through we could work it out. But he obviously has no respect for me and sees me as just another object he can buy. I've been so stupid and I'm so angry with myself mainly for my kids. He says the kids won't be going anywhere with me. But considering his job is until 8pm at night I can't see any court in this land giving him custody.
OP posts:
Deserttrek · 31/12/2014 19:26

What 'benefits' do you get for the rest of your life if you stay where you are?

Sounds as if you should both be building your lives together, with your families not central to that, but he has a point to prove at your emotional cost.

And you are entitled to half of everything (assets) and if primary carer for children then they are entitled to 22% (or thereabouts) of his net income.

But are you at the point of separation, or could more work on your relationship bear fruit? Sounds as if you need/want/could do with each other more than your respective family dynamics.

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 31/12/2014 19:29

No, no he sounds horrible. Not a good guy in a relationship that needs work.

Run like the fucking wind. Thanks Have a great 2015.

Original poster
STBSM · 31/12/2014 19:30

Even though we aren't married?

OP posts:
HangingInAGruffaloStance · 31/12/2014 19:31

Follow up on the financials and make sure you get what you and your kids are entitled to.

But don't let finances be a reason to stay.

Deserttrek · 31/12/2014 19:33

Crikey OP, our posts crossed.

You deserve more. After all that stuff in 2008 and 2011, I would expect something more emotional the day he asks you to marry him. After all, he is so lucky to get the chance. You only have one life, and you should have a better relationship than this. You wont lose your children and as SAHM unlikely to be the primary carer. But you need some good legal advice.

newyear15 · 31/12/2014 19:35

no you're not entitled to half of everything if you are not married.

Deserttrek · 31/12/2014 19:44

Oops.......as a SAHM likely to be the primary carer.

Even though you aren't married does not mean you are thrown onto the street like some Victorian novel. Sounds to me like you have a promise of a home. I have posted here before about the concept of 'constructive trusts' and 'proprietary estoppel' which means you can acquire the right to a home (or part of the sale proceeds) in situations where it is equitable for you to have that entitlement. Well, you have been together a while, had kids together, built a life together. As far as I can see you have that promise. And we don't know yet whether you have contributed to the home financially, even in a minor way in which case the foot is more than just a little way in the door. I don't think that matters though, ie whether you have contributed or not. You have equitable/reasonable/fair rights to a home however that is achieved (share of sale proceeds, maintenance to you to pay rent/mortgage).

Plus your children have rights towards maintenance for their needs, which is based on his net income.

I thought initially that it seems you could work on the two of you and push the family dynamics to the fringes. But your subsequent post telling of the way in which the ring was given to you, suggests to me that he doesn't love you. Sorry for you, if that is true.

Deserttrek · 31/12/2014 19:52

I don't know how I can pay rent on a two bed property on a low wage.

Are you actually working now OP, or is this what you intend to do if you split (you did say SAHM, so confused).

newyear15 · 31/12/2014 19:55

you will get income support, housing benefit, council tax benefit, maintenance and child tax credits.

Original poster
STBSM · 31/12/2014 19:58

I don't think he does either. Sex is not nice like it used to be. It always has to be me dressing up and crude. We don't do it unless I have a pair of heels on.
I know he would do anything for the kids financially. I'm not worried about that. He will put the kids through private education.
I'm sat upstairs on my bed and he is downstairs in the living room. Think this wi go down as the worst New Years ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
STBSM · 31/12/2014 19:59

I will have to get a full time job

OP posts:
championnibbler · 01/01/2015 16:39

Jesus - what a prick.
Get out quick.

afreshstartplease · 01/01/2015 16:46

How are you op?

Hatespiders · 01/01/2015 16:47

It might be the best New Years Eve ever because it was the one where you saw the light, made a decision and started plans to move on.
You really can't marry this man, you're right about that. What a lucky escape that you understand this.
Next year I do hope you'll be in a much better position and very happy. At the very least your life will be calmer and more peaceful. And you might have met a wonderful man who loves you dearly and brings you joy.

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