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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to show him that I know! Long sorry.

19 replies

Genvonklinkerhoffen · 31/12/2014 12:08

Hi, I've name changed for this but the backstory is I left my H almost precisely year ago because he was EA and smothering me to death.

We seem to be pretty amicable now, my job means I'm away a lot and live in tied accommodation so he lives in the house, has the car etc. Also looks after house and land so not entirely cocklodging. I earn about double what he does so I pay the mortgage, the groceries and the diesel as well as any incidentals like vets fees, plumbing and the like.

On the surface this seems slightly unfair as I can't afford a car however, the house is gaining in value rapidly and he looks after it very well. It's his pride and joy.

So, to the point. I caught wind that he was seeing a friend of a friend and I asked him about it and he said yes sort of. I don't have a problem with this, I just want him to tell me the truth.

He told me yesterday he was going to see his sister for two nights which is unusual so, as I'm on leave with nothing to do, I thought I would just swing by the house of the "friend of a friend" at 0730 this morning whilst out running. OK, it was quite far out of my way and I had to get a train to run in that area but still, I was out running.

Lo and behold, the car was parked outside her house, about 40 miles from his sister's house and covered in frost. I took a pic and carried on my merry way.

I texted him asking how dog was and a few messages back and forth result in me asking if he's with this woman now. "No, I saw her yesterday for a brew."
I asked him if he spent the night with her, "No, I was at my sister's". Unless he walked there or got the train (highly unlikely). He's lying to me and it's really annoyed me.

I gave him the opportunity to tell me and I don't know why he isn't. He knows I won't change the agreement we have. I just feel like I need him to know that I know he was there.

FFS, what a crock of shit now it's written down. I'm being so juvenile but it's annoyed me.

That's it. Thank you.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 31/12/2014 12:15

You really really need to let this go. You need to say to yourself "IT DOESN'T MATTER!" because really, it doesn't.

Think of it this way. By obsessing over him and this woman you are allowing him to continue to control you. Don't give him that power.

And btw if you were my ex and you told me you'd taken a train to run past my house and taken a picture I would think you were a bit mad! So you need to get a grip of that!

And sort the finances out - that sounds very unfair to me.

Do you have DC? If not then you really really don't need to be in contact with him at all. NC is the only way

Justwanttomoveon · 31/12/2014 12:16

I understand your annoyed he's been lying. Does it really matter though? As you have said, you don't want to be with him.

If you really want him to know that you know he was there then tell him (you can always say a friend saw his car parked there and told you).
Are you upset that he's lying or that he's moved on?

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2014 12:16

If you have finished with him why does it bother you?

Are you living in the same house? I can't work out if there are two houses or one. Why is the house not for sale prior to the divorce?

Justwanttomoveon · 31/12/2014 12:18

And yes it's odd that you would go to so much trouble to check up on him if you don't want to be in a relationship with him.

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2014 12:20

he was EA and smothering me to death

And now you are smothering him. Irony?

pictish · 31/12/2014 12:23

Yep...you don't need to know, and he isn't obliged to tell you.
You're over invested. No more checking up on him ok?

Original poster

Genvonklinkerhoffen · 31/12/2014 12:25

No we don't live together.

I need to let it go. It is ironic because when we were together, he would want to know where I was every minute of the day, I guess I'm just getting my own back and proving to myself that I can tell when he's lying.

I'm hardly smothering him by paying for him to drive around the country and do what he likes!

I'm annoyed that he's lying, I'm pleased he's moved on because it's stopped him going on at me to go back to him.
I will let it go, just wanted to get it off my chest. I know the picture thing is mad, hence my so again.

I'm working tomorrow so off now for Nachos and an early night. I will think about the finances another day. The house is complex and if I can wait for 5 years, it will be worth a huge amount more so it seems churlish to want to sell it now when we could both do well out of it.

OP posts:

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 31/12/2014 12:26

You left him year ago. Where he spends the night and who with is none of your business.

To get a train to deliberately run past this woman's house to check if he's there is bordering on unhinged.

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2014 12:27

Sort the finances out, delete the photo and move on.

pictish · 31/12/2014 12:28

Right...so you know he's a liar. Good. All the more reason to be relieved he is a thing of the past then.
And moving swiftly on...as you say. Ching ching!

Dowser · 31/12/2014 12:35

Oh dear!

Stern schoolteacher voice coming on.

You know this isn't good!

You know this isn't right?

And you're not going to do it again are you?

You've just made yourself look bloody silly.

Make 2015 the year you let it go.

Wouldn't it make more sense to divorce and divvy up the assets. What mileage are the pair of you getting from still clinging on to one another?

It's not healthy for either of you to be tied to one another in this fashion.

A clean break is what's needed in my opinion.

TonightTonight · 31/12/2014 12:36

So why not rent the house out and have some rental income as well as a big cash sum when you sell? Why pay for everything for someone who abused you and is still lying to you and disrespecting you now?

Thereyouarepeter · 31/12/2014 12:38

delete the picture...delete it now.

Tyzer85 · 31/12/2014 12:47

You have been separated for over a year, it's none of your business as to who he is shagging and the fact that you went so far out of your way for a run makes me think that you have a few issues.

Original poster

Genvonklinkerhoffen · 31/12/2014 13:01

Most of us have a few issues though don't we. It just depends what pushes the button.

Thank you for sanity check. Merlot and nachos going down v well. Dallas buyers club downloading and a warm bed await.

OP posts:

pictish · 31/12/2014 13:04

I don't think there's any of us have not indulged in a bit of quietly unhinged thinking or behaviour at times OP.
You've woken up to it so it's cool. Take care. xx

Toughasoldboots · 31/12/2014 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Genvonklinkerhoffen · 31/12/2014 13:08

Pictish, tough

Kick up the bum received

OP posts:

Deserttrek · 31/12/2014 13:16

OP, just be careful on leaving the house status quo for 5 years.
What if OW moves in with him, and he allows her to live as if it is her own home and you agree to that (by your inactions).
I think something should be formalised now, this Spring.
There are a few legal principles (constructive trusts, proprietary estoppel) that could come and bite you hard later.
Get some legal advice, I know an excellent lady lawyer with very good rates (not me!) who tells it very clearly how it is. Strong information. I can give you her details if you wish for an initial chat.
But don't overlook this point about leaving things to be for a few years.

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