Can't work out if it's me expecting too much of DH or could he do more?

[cookiemonster100]

Hi all,

I can't work out if I am expecting too much of DH or if he could be more of a team player in our marriage. It's hard for me to explain so I am going to try with examples.

1. He is totally crap at cleaning & tidying but a brilliant cook. Way way better than me. He cooks most night. However as I do most of the early wake up with the kids, washing, ironing, cleaning the house, organising stuff (holiday, social events, inviting his family to stay) present buying, childcare drop off & pick ups, food shopping, etc etc my pay back, is he also tidies up after dinner. My agenda was I may do a lot of the running around however by the time the kids have gone to bed, I can settle down to a nice meal & chill for the evening. But it doesn't work like that. I spend most if the evening going "are you doing the kitchen" with a reply of "yeah in a minute, just letting my dinner settle yadayadayada". So it's nearly bed time he frantically rushes round clearing up leaving 1/2 the stuff in the sink to soak for me to clean up in the morning. No surfaces wiped. No floor swept. I refuse to cave in & do it as this comes under his "jobs". So tonight's a brilliant example, it's bin night. He does bins. However as per, I spend the evening going "it's bin night" & usual DH response "in a min" which results in him getting out of bed now to go and put the bins out. FFS why couldn't he do it earlier?! I know I could do it, but I do ALOT for us so for him to own a few basic chores & get on with it doesn't seem that hard, but why is it? it's so tiring having the same dull conversations with him. Can't he see it's so un fun to be going on at him? I would much rather have a normal conversation.

2. I am going through crappy stuff with my parents. Both divorced & are quite sick. DB not around to help so spend a lot of time running around looking after them. DH never asks how I am with it or supports me? He never offers to see where he can help. He never asks how I am? But the really annoying thing about this, he is absolutely brilliant in a crisis. My gran moved into a care home last year, & last min we were let down by a man & a van. All of a sudden DH has organised a van, got some help & moved her in. He even assembled her furniture & helped her unpack. I was literally crying I was so taken back how he was such a support to her. She always tells people about his him & how he looked after that day. Or the time I got stranded missing the last train home from town & he drive out in the middle of the night & picked me up (despite it being my own fault for enjoying myself too much & not watching the time).

3. Finally it's this one that gets me the most, our LO. Whenever I walk into a room & it's both of them, DH is playing candy crush whilst LO on the floor playing. Sometimes LO is trying to get his attention but he is so engrossed in his game. He never sits on the floor & plays with him or reads to him. He used to have him 1 day a week to cover one of my work days & he did nothing with him in that time. No walks, or toddler groups or soft play. I feel LO just spent most of the day playing by himself of watching TV (DH was in the room but hiding behind the iPad). I have now started him at nursery partly because I felt LO needed more than being plonked down for a large part of the day with little interaction. However they have a brilliant relationship, DH does nappies, cooks great food & sometimes comes home with a new outfit or small toy for him. LO adores him & lights up when he sees him.

is it me having too high expectations? Could hubby do more? I think bin gate tipped me over tonight as I just wanted to relax & go to sleep & not think about the stuff that needed doing!

Sorry this is mega long, thanks for reading. I know the above is totally immaterial to what some of you ladies are going through right now

THe thing to realise with men like this is that it's not about them 'not seeing mess' or 'being tired' or 'not wanting to be micromanaged.'. It';s deliberate behaviour intended to put you in your place. The idea is that they can outwait you and eventually you will stop 'nagging' and just do the domestic work yourself. Because it's women's work.
As to the fact that he does all the cooking, he's one of those men who likes cooking. Some people like cooking a lot more than others do: it's more a form of self-expression than a chore to them. However I bet he usually cooks unnecessarily elaborate meals that use billions of pots and pans, and expects constant praise and appreciation even if you would have been happy with a ready meal that particular night.

I disagree that it is always deliberate. Many, many men have been socialized from their earliest years to think that women, not men, do domestic dross because their parents modelled that to them. Even when mothers aren't doing the dross, they employ and manage other women to do it.

On the one hand, it does seem like you still have far more chores than he does, even though he cooks and does the kitchen. But on the other hand, you can't even let his chores go. Why do you feel the need to micromanage him? That would drive me nuts and make me go toddler stroppy about not doing the jobs I'm being nagged about. Let him do it in his own time! And who in earth sweeps the kitchen floor in the evening?

I also think the issue with him not engaging with your DS is just different parenting. I spent my time as a SAHM mostly on MN. Engaging with toddlers just isn't something I enjoy, so I let mine get on with their own games, and while I did go to toddler groups, it was to get a break and a cup of tea with adults as much as for my DC.

The big problem here, it seems to me, is that you are the one required to do absolutely all the thinking about how the household is run, and that's absolutely exhausting. So you need to tell him bluntly, as I had to do with my DH at one point, that your mental health is suffering with the burdens you are carrying and you need him to step and up and take some of it off you. Point out all the "invisible" stuff you do in the background, the organising, the planning, the planning, and tell him you can't cope.

It has taken time and it does require you to step back, let go and trust your DH to be an adult like you and do the job - not necessarily in the way you would do it, but in his own way, which as also okay. You can't expect another adult to conform to your exacting views on the "right" way to do things. As frank said upthread, he's not a clone of you, he never will be and he is just as entitled to do things his way as you are to do them yours. He will never do things exactly the way you would, and to expect it will drive you crazy.

If he forgets things or moans that you didn't remind him or ask him, fix him with a Stare and say "I'm sorry, I mistook you for a competent responsible adult". That usually shames them into realising that they're being pathetic.

But you can't have it both ways. You can't expect your partner to do their fair share but maintain tight control.

Good luck!

Thanks Annie. I am seeing that I have been micro managing & need to pull back. It stems from DH forgetting a lot & it not being done / I do it. I will (try!) & reign back in & leave him to do it (& not do it if he forgets). Let's see how this goes.

I am just soooo tired....

It's not about these men forgetting I don't think. My DH can err towards this. As well as forgetting, he can do this really annoying 'I didn't realise what the time was'. It's just laziness when there is no consequence to this behaviour.

My DH never manages to not realise the time or forget stuff at work or if it's something he wants to do.

It's an abdicating of responsibility.

OP, you could do what I did early In our marriage when my DH was doing his, oh I'll do it later routine. I threw all the unwashed dishes and pans in the bin. This got him off his arse and he was all, what are you doing? Well, you said you'd do it, I sure as hell am not, so I thought I'd bin the lot.

He recently said he didn't have time to unload the dishwasher so I timed him when he did do it, 2.5 minutes.

It's all bollocks. It's just because they don't want to do it.

"If he forgets things or moans that you didn't remind him or ask him, fix him with a Stare and say "I'm sorry, I mistook you for a competent responsible adult". That usually shames them into realising that they're being pathetic."

Thanks for that Annie I am totally nicking that line

I think to be fair to OP, the more burnt out you get- the more difficult it can be to take a step back and "stop micromanaging." All the times I've been most stressed out, emotional intelligence has been the first thing to go.

OP- I wonder if you could approach him about something other than the housework. If you told him how stressed you are about your parents and how much you need his love and support, do you think that might inspire him to show you some more consideration and get the two of you off the circular housework argument?

Just an idea and feel free to say if you think it won't work. fwiw he does also need to buck his ideas up around the house and with childcare, I just thought I'd chuck it out there as a suggestion.

Can I add a note of caution to the "leave it and he'll do it eventually" advice. I was seriously ill 3 years ago and I dropped the reins of everything; bank accounts, credit cards, all the house admin and everything else. DH did not pick them up.

Our house is a shit-hole. DM asked how it got so bad, and I told her. I was leaving it to see when he would do it. He didn't. He whines that he always cleans the toilet (he always used to). If I don't do it he doesn't either. It will get to the point where it is thick with limescale and I'll end up doing it anyway. I do the dishwasher several times a day and he'll swear blind he did it. I'm thinking of taking photos of how it looked when I'd finished.

It would have been simpler to just continue doing everything and at least have a decent environment to live in .

The best way to do 'wait him out strategy' is to invite people round for food quite.regularly. My DH will blitz the house rather than be 'shown up' by a dirty house. DH's bathroom (which I refuse to clean or use) is next to the dining room so he has to get it shipshape at least once per month. What I will say for him is that he is very on-point with money and admin. Indantherene, I'm sorry to hear your story. Messing up the admin is going to make a big problem - puts the gungey bathroom into perspective.

Ok so what do you make of this morning & how would you handle it?

My turn for a lie in this morning, come down at 9 to be handed LO while he goes back to bed (yes dash back to bed!). He has been complaining he is quite tired lately (shifts / heavy workload) but he doesn't help himself but not going to bed early & drinking & playing Xbox to silly o'clock so my sympathy is minimal.

While LO naps I am drawing up the childcare rosta for feb. (Back story: I work PT & childcare is done nursery in the mornings, & either DH, MIL Or Mum in the afternoon. If neither of the 3 can do the afternoon I have the flexibility to book extra sessions at nursery. For this to work I need ask in advance as it's not fair to our lovely families to dump on them last minute or not be able to get availability at nursery. ). So I draw I up, when DH wakes up I run it past him for him to casually mention he is on a 2 week residential course in feb, but can't remember the dates. He doesn't get why I am pissed & why I am so annoyed it can't wait till next week.

Today he is meant to be decorating the spare room ahead of his brother & family coming to stay. He needed poly filler on Monday, it's taken him until yesterday to get it ( so he says), only for him to tell me he has left it at work. I am pretending to be busy to care as the consequence doesn't directly affect me & I can put DN in with LO if the paint fumes are strong still & BIL & wife will just have to lump it.

Seriously I am tired of living like this.