Partner of 3 years (30m) doesn't want children and I am undecided (29f). Looking for advice.

[Undecided29]

I met my partner online and on both our profiles we had put undecided/might want kids. It has been this way until about a year ago when he became more vocal about firmly not having children. He has said he doesn't like them and he has said selfishness is the only reason people do it. He is Mumsnet's worst nightmare as he regularly complains to me when children are acting up in public and he generally has a low view of parenthood/kids. Only occasionally he will acknowledge a cute one!

Up until about 6 months ago this didn't really bother me as to be truthful I find kids annoying as well a lot of the time. However I have had strong urges and visions of me as a mother, both caring for a baby and as they get older. However I have a history of depression, work a low paid job (17k) and I am not sure if my urges are entirely biological or driven by family since I am one of three daughters and my two sisters are in gay relationships and never having kids so I have pressure from my parents.

I have brought this up with my bf and he gets touchy about it and tells me I have to make a decision and leave him if necessary. He is right about that but I am finding it difficult. I know it is not always easy but I'm just looking for advice from mothers and non-mothers who were on the fence about having kids?

What strikes me most about your posts is the lack of 'togetherness' they imply. You don't say much about you current partnership or how it fulfills you it any if your boyfriend's amazing qualities.

For what it's worth I don't want kids, but I think you might. Don't let your poor self esteem con you into staying with someone who doesn't want what you want

Thanks for all the responses. I do love him but we have had difficulties. He is quite critical and we argue frequently. That has affected how I feel but the love is still strong. Although some posters seem confident I want kids I am not sure at all. The idea seems vaguely appealing but when I consider the reality of it I'm not sure I would be a good mother. I'm 100% certain I would love them, especially as a baby. But I don't know if I could provide them with the stability and opportunity to succeed in life. You meet some couples who are just perfect and I've always been something of a hapless misfit. I just don't know if I'd be a good mother. Added to that I do worry about the future of this planet and overpopulation in terms of having kids...oil, water crisis etc. I mean I know that sounds OTT but I used to work in the environment sector and it's not a pretty prospect. :/

I think you might well find your self esteem lifting after leaving him tbh.

It does sound like you're compromising by staying with this man.

If you're thinking about it seriously enough to be posting on here, you know that you're missing the opportunity by staying with him.

It isn't something that you can undo. Say that you do stay together forever and you go past the age that you can have children 1 how much are you going to hate him for making your life childless?

Yes, parenting is hard and few people are the perfect parents that you describe - for most people Facebook is just a Fascade.

My advice would be to 1. Ask myself I really love him or just the idea of having a clever boyfriend 2. Ask him to think about if you were to fall pregnant what he would want to do about it? Don't press him for an answer straight away, give him some thinking time.

I also think your self esteem is not being helped by being in a relationship with this person. The right partner makes you feel like a better version of yourself and that's not happening here. If you already think your job is inferior and you are inferior then someone who is argumentative and critical..... an emotional bully in other words.... will only make that worse. I don't care how smart he thinks he is, he's crushing your confidence.

I agree, you just don't sound happy to me. I reckon he might be the reason for that!

You know he definitely doesnt want them.

You dont know that you definitely do but you would like to have the option in the future.

Those two statements are not compatible I am afraid. And I agree with AmandaClarke that you will probably find you are a lot more confident when you are not with him. He sounds like a bully who is too impressed with his own brilliance to give 2 shiney shites about yours.

Move on, reclaim yourself and I bet you will find that you will have no trouble attracting a nice kind man who will love you for who you are.

When a person tells you who they are, listen to them. He has told you. Time for you to move on.

"He is quite critical and we argue frequently."

This would get worse if you had children with this man, truly.

OP lots of sound advice here, you sound as though deep down you know you want children or at the very least, the option. As hard as it is to end a relationship, you should call his bluff and move on. As CogitOIOIO said, The right partner makes you feel like a better version of yourself and that's not happening here

Trust your instincts. Do whatever you need to improve your self esteem and confidence and as previously posted, reclaim yourself.

You are young. I am childless and a lot older. As others have said it's not a nice place. You WILL want children, as time passes, move on and find a decent loving man.Good luck