NC.
DH was emotionally abused by his mother for most of his life. She is a vile woman. He will not go No Contact with her (I have asked, several times) as she is his only surviving parent (his DF was lovely, neither of us have any earthly idea why he married MIL - she was just as vile to her husband, even when he was dying) and he keeps trying to please her, e.g. by buying her gifts or doing things for her.
She is a very sprightly 72 and goes to the gym regularly. She had to leave the pensioners classes as they were too slow for her. So she's not going away any time soon. She lives in another country and we have sporadic phone calls and bi/tri-annual visits, usually for three or four days.
These visits make DH depressed and angry. Usually he starts smoking again as an outlet for pent-up frustration. He only tells me about 50% of what goes on with her. Every couple of months there is a new thing - she has control of his finances in their home country (he said it was easier to sign it over than fight with her) and has messed them up a few times, although this is limited because DH's best friend works in the bank where the savings are, so usually intervenes and counsels his mother out of whatever it is she's planning.
The whole situation with her is so bizarre and upsetting. She is rude, arrogant and violently (verbally) furious with everyone. And I don't know how to help him.
I am always there as a listening ear, I give him no end of physical affection and tell him he is loved (for she certainly never does, is constantly telling him how awful he is, never hugs him etc.). After her visits if he is depressed I look after him, food, drink etc as best I can.
But what I can't deal with is the anger, because sometimes he directs it at me and gets furious with me over minor ridiculous things, or - he even admits - nothing at all, he just wants to shout at someone and I happen to be there. I never ever let that behaviour slide but I am in a complete quandary:
- If he would never talk to his friends like that (and I believe he would not) then he shouldn't be speaking to me like that. He always feels justified in what he has done and never apologises unless I force him to (usually by refusing to engage with him until I have had a sincere apology - this has happened three times). I believe very firmly in apologies and always apologise if I feel I am to blame.
- OTOH he is clearly very emotionally damaged. She has done a complete number on him. He says he was No Contact for ten years but didn't get away from her, partly because FIL was still alive and also because relatives and friends kept ringing him to sort out their problems with her (she falls out with everyone on a regular basis, she is full of hate). I love him, beyond anything and 99.9% of the time he is sweet, gentle and kind, strokes my hair so I can fall asleep and looks after me (I was briefly quite badly injured and needed lots of care). He is an equal partner in all chores and we are getting married next year. He only ever, ever treats me like this following an issue with her (e.g. could be following one of the financial situations, doesn't have to be a physical visit). These are few and far between, maybe three or four outbursts a year.
I was wondering how those who have been the children of emotionally abusive parents, or who are with someone who has been, cope? How do you support them and where do you draw the line in terms of reactions? I am looking for other people's experiences as if there is no way of changing this then I am not sure it's a good idea for us to get married and have children. However we have been together for many years and I have tried to help him... it's only now as the wedding approaches that I am beginning to think (perhaps a little late!) about whether this is a permanent thing or not.
I have suggested counselling a couple of times but he thinks it's for "mental people" so won't go 
I am posting because I called him today about something and realised that I was consciously editing what I was saying to appease him so he wouldn't shout. That horrified me. MIL stayed with us for a week over Christmas and it was hell. He cried on Christmas Day and then drank solidly until 1am watching costume dramas on TV, until I got out of bed and persuaded him to come upstairs. I hate her so much for what she has done to him.