Want to save my marriage!

[LittlePudding1]

Hi, long time lurker, sporadic poster here looking for some advice and straight talking. I'll try not to make this too long!

Been with dh 16 years, 2 dc 7 and 5. I work part time, dh shift work. Sex life dwindled since kids, he stays up late watching porn, I'm disinterested in the type of sex he wants.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, he's had a couple of sexting episodes with other women which I discovered the most recent about 6 weeks ago, says it was only kissing etc, loves me and kids wants to make it work.

This is where I will probably get flamed, I met someone about a year ago and started messaging, enjoyed the attention, it escalated and we slept together a couple of times (om also married), haven't seen each other now for 8 months but still messaging every day until 2 days ago. Dh doesn't know any of this and I hate myself for doing it.

Dh recently found out I kissed someone else (no further contact with this person) when very drunk and we have agreed to try and get our marriage back on track.

I have cut all contact with om as I really do want to save my marriage but feel very sad that he is no longer in my life as a friend but am determined not to contact him again.

Dh is a good father and I do love him, my question is, is it possible to draw a line under all this and start again, and fall back "in" love with him. We've discussed sex etc and will hopefully be on the same page now.

I know I will have some harsh comments but I would really like some advice on how to get things back on track and if anyone in a similar situation has managed to do this? If it's even possible. Thanks :-(

Possibly. But will it be an honest start when all your dh knows is the tip of the iceberg? Are you planning on being as honest with him as you expected him to be with you?

does you husband still use porn? If so I don't know how you can continue together. Add to that you have been unfaithful too. I think your relationship is long over - sorry.

I don't know whether telling him about me would just be easing my own guilt, rather than improving the situation.

He is still using porn but I think he will stop if we start having regular sex together, hopefully!

Are you happy to start having sex with him again

You are both minimising.
If he is admitting to 'kissing' he's done more than that.
Something you can freely attest to!
If you are OK to draw a line and so is he then you can, of course, give it a go.

I think when you start having sex, you may find that the porn has affectively, ruined him. He may well have 'problems'.

Do you really think you can live without the OM?

Please understand, through all of this, that you get one life. One life to find happiness and true love.

Your DH is not the man for you. If you are happy to sacrifice your life and your happiness for him then please understand that you will start to resent him and that's not good.

Good question, I do want to resume sex and I have made it clear what I definitely won't be doing and he seems to have accepted that. I have been clear that I need to enjoy sex too for me to want it, if that makes sense

Thanks Hellsbells, I agree with the minimising on both sides

At the moment I am missing the contact with om but even if we were both free to be together it would never work out between us. Also if I am realistic I was more invested emotionally than him anyway. I think I was just more of a distraction to him. We won't have anymore contact now and are highly unlikely to ever run into each other randomly

how would you ever trust him again though. And I agree porn will have ruined him. His expectations will now be totally skewed. I think you should forget the om and spend a year or 2 on your own. It is possible to be happy and single.

Porn doesn't completely skew expectations. DH and I both enjoy it together and both enjoy each other too.

Mind you, neither of us are liars. That's your issue, trust unless you both respect each other enough to be open with each other your chances of regaining love, trust and respect are reduced.

I think you can but not without some kind of extrinsic help. It will be too easy to fall into old tired habits. Its also not enough to just talk about things and where you want things to go. You have to change your whole mindset about what marriage is and where you see your roles within it and in relation to each other. I suggest lots of reading and possibly marriage therapy together. Not necessarily through relate but one that really emphasizes the sacredness of marriage.

If you don't see each other enough, can you change your work patterns? Can you develop a new hobby together? Have friends and family look after kids for an extra hour after school or evenings so you can have some together time?

You need to start as friends and draw a complete line over the past -no recriminations- and think about how you can meet each others needs above your own, because it seems you're both missing emotional intimacy. Put yourselves last and each other first. Easier said than done!

I once read that you should treat your marriage as an actual separate third person. So you might be tired and not want to go for a evening walk together, but the marriage says 'I need it' so you go, etc.

HTH

We have friends who have been in a similar situation (OW & OM, neither faithful to the other etc etc).

They seem to have made a go of bringing their marriage back on track, but how much of that is real or not, I can't say. DW (who is the wife's BFF) reckons its genuine so I take her word for it.

What this boils down to, I think, is that "Yes you can save it BUT only with total honesty between the partners".

I don't think porn will have ruined him. After all sex is not a spectator sport and if men do not have a sexual avenue to go down then they will use porn. If a sexual avenue opens up within the relationship then the porn will be kicked to the curb or become something shared, you'd hope. Why don't you try porn when on your own and see if you honestly find yourself unexpected turned on? You might be surprised. It could be something you could watch together.

I don't see how something can get on course after you've been having what sounds like emotional affairs though as it's never going to be what you both had with the other people, and that's because these were other people - not each other.
Can you start again and literally go out on dates and hold hands and really (sounds silly) really look at each other in the eyes again? Yes you can do this. If you can't do these small things then you can't move on to the big things I.E getting marriage back on track.

If both of you want to save your marriage it's going to take a lot more than having sex and him not using porn.

I think because you've both had affairs, there appears to be a mutual 'let's pretend it didn't happen' attitude, which is hardly conducive to investigating and resolving your relationship issues.

There are trust and respect issues in your marriage, which date nights can't fix.

You either have to make a go of your marriage or split up. Why not try marriage counselling.