Tell me more clearly what I already know...I'm a sap

[Dreadedsunnyday]

I already know the answer to this one but need telling quite clearly what a fool I'm being.

I'll try and keep it brief. Two years ago I met and fell in love with this guy that lives abroad. He didn't want to do long distance, I did because I felt we could make it work and be together, he didn't. Heartbreak. Long slow recovery. Sporadic contact, no ill will.
He very quickly met someone else -- his "one". He sold up and moved across the country to start a totally new life with her. Turns out she's fairly flaky and has a lot of problems (don't we all). Few months ago he upped sporadic contact to frequent. I assumed with her knowledge. Nothing sexy or dodgy. But then he starts leaning on me for relationship/life advice. His money has run out and he's living off her (to be fair they lived off his money till it ran out). Relationship would be recognised by any mumsnetter as toxic. He wants to be with her, wants kids with her, feels it's it's his last chance. It is destroying him. He is a sobbing, lost mess. Turns out she doesn't know he chats to me. Marvellous. I am a secret, free therapist (mainly thanks to wisdom gleaned from mumsnet).

I feel compassion, I feel kindness and lo and behold, surprise surprise, eventually I start liking him all over again. It makes it hard to disassociate myself and withdraw which is what I need to do. I'm going through early weeks of ADs and have had a tough time myself...he is draining me dry emotionally.

Latest crisis....she goes to family for Xmas leaving him totally alone, no friends or family near. He is a wreck. I am trying to guide him towards the light....go to your dad's, have a break, be apart, get your equilibrium back. She gets back...yep, the whole merry go round starts again. Communication is cut because she is back and I am feeling mighty pissed off, used, bled dry. I have my own fucking problems to deal with too.

Anyway, really needed to get that off my chest. Please walk me away from this. It is a train wreck that is nothing to do with me. I can't give any more without breaking my heart again.

OP, it sounds like you don't need us to tell you anything it sounds like deep down you already know you need to walk away.

Your involvement with this man and his messy life is NOT obligatory. Cut contact, with plans to distract yourself for a good few weeks and you won't look back.

Yes, walk away, he's using you, she's using him.

They sound like they deserve one another.

Tell him you can't and won't prop him up in a toxic relationship any more - that it's bad for him and bad for you. Tell him you won't be talked round, no matter what. Then drop him.

I doubt he's been listening to you all these months anyway about his uber-dramatic situation.

You are not a sap, but too nice for your own good, and you know it.

Walk away. Don't remain part of their toxic mess.
Wishing you a very good New Year

You guys are too nice. I was expecting more of a butt kicking.

Line runner he's been listening but can't seem to help himself. As happens to many.

Thanks for the kindly advice.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off. Not your problem.

Why are you falling for him again? He sounds utterly pathetic!

Do you see yourself in the light of a rescuer for him? Because you can't, you know. EVen if he is telling you the whole truth (unlikely), he is the only one who can change things.

Walk away now for your sanity - pretend you've met someone else if you have to, but ffs get out of this emotionally-draining mess now before you get sucked even more dry.

He sounds deeply pathetic and like a complete drama llama.

New year, fresh start, OP! Cut all contact. He brings nothing to your life and you will never be able to solve his 'problems'.

He is keeping you as a back up for when she kicks him out.

So he can turn up on your doorstep and say 'thanks to your advice i have left her, you have SAVED me' and hope you'll feel flattered and elated and CHOSEN.

Agree with HollyJollyXmas about his drama llama and other qualities. I think he also has a touch of serpent and weasel tbh.

He will drain you further, I feel there is no joy, contentment, sense of fulfilment or security in this relationship. He may be serving you as a distraction from your own problems but ultimately he is using you to help him get his relationship to work and I do think if it breaks down, you are his insurance policy.

You're only hearing his side of the story, he hasn't shown himself to be upfront and honest with you, who's to say he's not painting himself in a slightly too-flattering light?

You deserve better, you can do better, this man lacks kindness, backbone and independence. Run for the hills.

Good solid advice people.

I'm definitely not his back up. Know why? I'm too old to have any more kids. Simple as that. I'm just the emotional prop. Was.

Drama llama yes, all the way. I never knew that about him and I do now. Imagine if I had ended up with him?

Oh and point totally taken about only hearing his side of the story. I did bear that in mind, always, tried to be scrupulously fair.

This is a man who had the chance to be with you but did not wish to take up that option. That the woman he did decide was good enough is giving him the merry runaround (allegedly) is not your problem. If you want to be an unpaid agony aunt stick around MN; there are some nice people in difficulty here who could benefit from your kind support.

With regard to "his last chance to have kids", two thoughts occurred to me, one of which might be unfair to him. The fairer one is that he doesn't sound old enough to have kids, let alone nearly too old. Honestly, how many grown men are left a sobbing mess because their partner has gone to family over Christmas? Can't he do what most of us would do - feel a bit wistful, text her a Merry Christmas, blow his nose, pour a large sherry and sit down to watch a silly movie full of laughs and/or explosions? Nope, far too sensible. Let's make a tragedy out of it and get a sort-of ex girlfriend to act as a long-distance hankie. I suspect he gets off on that.

The unfair thought is that he isn't really all that interested in breeding, but uses it as an excuse for beetling off with a younger model. Because you can't compete on that front, it stops you going "here, wait a minute, how come I'm good enough to blub all over but not good enough to live with?" You can't help thinking if only you two had met in a different time, a different fertility cycle, all would have been well. Actually, it probably wouldn't - as you recognise yourself.

Annie yes, yes, all kinds of yes. I thinks I'm so kind and empathetic and clever but has hitched his wagon to someone who can pop him some sprogs. Oh and she's beautiful. That must help.

Oh and do you know the worst thing? She has the SAME NAME as me. Seriously.

Ouch. The name thing's gotta sting.

He flatters only to deceive, my love. He tells you you're so kind and etc etc so you keep on being his unpaid counsellor/ego boost. Meanwhile it's doing your ego not a lot of good. Mail him a box of silk handkerchiefs and leave him to it. You can't save this one, given that he doesn't even want to be saved.

You know all this.

That's what I mean when I say he's not even been listening - he wants the drama.

Yes yes, you're both right. The other night when it finally dawned on me he still wanted to be with her anyway, after all the shitty things she's done...well it hurt. So I think I drew my line in the sand then. Fuck off with your stupid beautiful fucking dancer fucking perfect fucking Pilates instructor. With my name, that I had at least 10 years before she did!!!!

Thank you, I really mean it. Having other people say what I've been thinking is such a relief.

Go NC. Delete/block his number/email. Delete from FB. You know what you need to do. Focus on you - your life, not their nonsense.

NC. Delete and detach. He is a user and he made his choice. Thank fuck you didn't stay with him, as it is likely he would have been pouring out his emotions to someone ELSE online instead of you while YOUR relationship went down the toilet.

Thank your lucky stars you are not with him and find someone lovely.

I'm glad you are going to escape from this exhausting emotional treadmill. He is a user, don't forget that. You owe him nothing. Nothing.

Thanks Alice and Line.

By pretty much anyone else's standards he is being deceitful at best and could be perceived as having an EA at worst. I did think about that...what if I had moved abroad to be with him and he did that to me? If I had found "the one" as he claims to have, they would be my best friend, I would be telling them everything in my heart and not an ex that I had deemed not fertile enough for me. I'm so angry at the way he is behaving.

Channel that feeling into staying away from any contact with him.

And good luck. You sound like a really good, bright person who deserves a lot better. Stay switched on, y'hear??

Thank you Line. Will do!!
Will also try to find a more worthy cause to channel my helpful urges towards.

Wishing you (and me) a very Happy, pillock free New Year.

Tell him you've got a new boyfriend and he'll disappear like the morning mist when the sun comes up.