Freaking Out Over Texting.. FFS.

[Longdistancenerves]

So I'm being 'that' woman it seems- the one who freaks out over text contact. Need to be brought down to earth please!

Been seeing this man for 6 months, we live about 2 hours apart, and between kids and work shifts we don't see each other for up to 4 weeks at a time. But we whatsapp everyday, usually evenings consistently for hours.

We spoke throughout Christmas Day on and off, and in the evening on the phone for 2 1/2 hours. Didn't hear anything until midday Boxing Day, then again conversation picked up.

He returned to work then, starts shifts from 4am so I usually wake up to a good morning text then nothing until after shift. Saturday was all normal, then in the evening he vanished for 3 hours mid convo online and said goodnight. Sunday no good morning message, talked for about an hour in the afternoon (where I admitted to him I felt anxious about him losing interest and he said he's free to see me anytime this week, and we can 'renew interest when I arrive :P' and that we had spoken to a long time on Christmas Day- he seemed genuinely surprised of feel like that and I know I shouldn't have said anything probably) after he had finished work then again no message until he went to bed with a 'goodnight honey'.

Now I wake and see again, no good morning, and this morning he hasn't even signed in to whatsapp.

The rational part of me is trying to talk my anxiety ridden part down from feeling this way- I myself vanished when my friend popped over last week for impromptu Christmas drinks and he'd gone to bed by the time I got back to him 3 hours later.

I'm at that stage of the relationship where I am starting to fall for him so if it goes tits up I get hurt. He is such a sweet man and I'm trying to tell myself this isn't him being spiteful, he's got a life, and he's more than entitled to live it and not be stuck on the phone to me.

Am due to see him this coming weekend when we both have no kids or work, and an really excited. Somebody tell me I'm being silly and that him not talking to me for a few hours is normal- i think I got too used to a pattern of communication and I'm in a tail spin.

Also apologise for the awful amount of typos - I should have previewed, sorry!!

If I had spoken to someone for 2.5 hrs on the phone and 2 days later they told me they thought I was losing interest - despite actually communicating with me every day since - I would run like the wind.

You need to calm it down, seriously!

He is allowed some private time and thoughts in his day to day life without sharing every millisecond with you via phone or text.

Also at some point he may actually be at work (what an earth with you do then?!) or entertaining family or friends (especially over the xmas period!), and it's incredibly rude if he is texting you 24/7 whilst in other peoples company.

Oh God that's a lot of texting and a lot of phoning and and a lot of whatsapping...and it's all just a lot of contact.

Maybe it's as simple as him not wanting to be doing all this all the time every day.
I cba with it.

And of course it's normal to have a few hours in the day when you're not on the phone, texting, chatting or whatsapping with your girlfriend.
Ack it all sounds horribly intense.

Wow that sounds like far too much contact. Not healthy.

The contact sounds fun but don't let him think you're a raving loon or he will run a mile. Also ... Very important ... Don't always be available for him ... Show him you have a life and are not hanging off his every text ... Take it easy and think about how you're behaving because this is all coming out of you. For all you know he may just be bored and you are entertaining him. Who knows. Be careful and do t reveal too much too soon. Play it cool

I know how you feel Longdistance. At the beginning of my relationship my boyfriend and I used to text all day every day, then it tailed off to just a few hours a day and then just a couple hours every night.

There was a point when I was worried because he didn't text me for a day. Turns out his phone had died or something. Now I'm not even remotely worried if he doesn't text me, I just put it down to him being busy or his phone dying. Sometimes the boot is on the other foot and I'm the one that's a bit busy. We try to check in with each other every day but sometimes it doesn't happen and we'll just catch up the next day.

I think right now it's a bit intense and the amount that you talk is calming down a bit. After all, talking for the amount of time that you do (and I used to!) surely you run out of things to say and it all becomes a bit chit chat and non meaningful.

Oh op I am grateful for this thread. I am you except it's a 5 month relationship. When we first met (dp is self employed) was idle a lot then in about October his work really kicked off and until he spelled it out I didn't realise he was working hours in yo the night every night . He is the resident parent too.
In October the contact started to dwindle though we see each other a whole weekend every fortnight most of the time. I find the contact lull really fucking hard and tbh it has made me a bit of a loon. I was about to start this thread before I sabotage my relationship.
I am grieving the lost intensity in between direct contact though the last two weekends we have spent together were the most intense yet - it's all so unbalanced
One thing I have noticed is that if dp is unhappy about something (unrelated to me) he will stay away from his phone until he's cheered up

So you spoke for a long time yesterday afternoon and are freaking out because you didn't have a 'good morning' message this morning? Very, very OTT. I think this new thing of being able to see when people are online/when they've read messages etc is a nightmare! Leads to so much overthinking. He probably got up late and was too knackered to send a message before work if his shifts start at 4am.

I deleted whatsapp I can't handle the last seen thing

It's a weird time of year LD. My DH works two nights a week plus bank hols and I ALWAYS text goodnight when I go to bed and if he can he gives me a quick call. But these past two weeks I have only texted maybe three times (including Christmas night) and he's only called me once. It's just not the usual routine. I'd chill a bit about this and see how things are on your weekend together and early Jan which can be a bit of a bad time for some relationships. I'm not going to totally dismiss your concerns because a tail off in texts in relationships which are fairly new and text and internet founded can be a bad sign in a way which people in more traditional or long term relationships just don't understand. It can also be just a normal "settling". Either way becoming all anxious will not do you or the relationship any favours.

I think you may have frightened him off OP. That's a lot of demand to put on a new relationship. Also, do you really want a long distance relationship because it doesn't sound like it's for you tbh.

You're being very intense about this relationship and I think it was a tactical error to actually tell him that you feel he's losing interest. The level of contact that you seem to need would make me run a mile away from you. You say that you're only just 'starting to fall for him', yet you're needing to keep 'tabs' on him despite a significant amount of online contact.

What's going on with you, OP?

If you want to 'survive' this relationship then I think you'll need to back right off and actually get busy (don't feign it) with your own stuff. You should be busy in your own life and he just adding to it, cherry-on-top-like, not being such a significant part of it after just six short months.

You're going to see each other this weekend... please be busy in the meantime, not caught up in your own head with thoughts of him. It's not healthy.

you really really need to take a deep breath and calm down. That is a lot of contact. Verging on smothering actually, imo. I'd go nutty if someone was that needy with me.

You really need to take it down a notch. To a more reasonable amount of contact between two adults.

At this stage in a relationship, it should be fun and light and not filled with angst. You would be a lot happier I think if you could find a way to be less anxious about it and just enjoy it. Easier said than done, I know, if you are an anxious person generally.

I agree about you keeping yourself otherwise occupied. To be frank with you, the sort of person who hangs about waiting for contact and recognition from their partner all the time attracts losers and abusers who can sense desperation a mile off.
On the other hand, those who are busy and occupied and living their lives without the need for constant validation are more likely to attract partners who have respect for them.
True fact.

Don't be needy. It's not going to do you any favours in the long run. Be cool.

Agree with pp that you really need to work on filling your hours with other absorbing activities and seriously calm down on the constant messaging and phone checking.

Honestly...? If you were a guy that I'd been seeing for 6 months and you said you thought I was losing interest despite that huge amount of very intense contact? I would hear alarm bells ringing and back right off. Its too much...too OTT...and a bit scary.

I'm not saying that to be mean, but to try to give you an objective view of how you may be coming across.

Thanks for all the replies. A couple have made me realise actually it may have more to do with the time of year and circumstances than anything else.

I am usually a very very busy woman- I work full time and often take overtime the days my DD is with her dad. I attend a couple of classes at the gym and see friends regularly, as well as obviously having my hands full with my daughter.

Naturally, and I've only just realised it I'm not doing most of those things atm because Christmas has skewed it all up- no gym, busy friends, DD with her father more, break from work. I'm back today and I can say I've not checked my phone until my lunch break started, so it would appear some of you are right and I need to get busy!!

For those who said about it being intense- he often starts these conversations, and we've both said from the outset that texting is important because of how little we see each other. If it was going to be long distance for the foreseeable I would have called it quits in the beginning as I'm very insecure, but his family live up here and he is due to move back to their town by Feb, meaning we will be 15 minutes apart.

I think you will need to keep a tighter grip of yourself when he lives closer to you, OP. You're only six months in and you are being seriously intense over a relationship that should be free and easy whilst you find out about each other.

I think you're playing it down now and I can understand why but your insecurity is just the way you are, you have a tendency for it and unless you keep it checked, you will needlessly put this man off. Do you have friends you can see? I'm a working mum myself and can certainly fill my days with assorted 'stuff' for myself and still run out of time.

Living closer doesn't automatically mean that the texting/visiting will ramp up and nor should it, imo.

How many times have you actually met up with him in person. If it's normal to not see each other for four weeks, that could mean only about half a dozen times?

Slight tangent OP (sorry for hijack) but I find this issue SO difficult. I've dumped my last two boyfriends basically because of a lack of contact - them pulling out of arrangements at the last minute, not contacting me when they know I'm ill or down in the dumps and so on.

I suspect at times I've been thoroughly unreasonable, but it's also really hard when you're at home with the DCs and the guy you like is on your mind, and it's hard to get your head around why he's not contacting you. Sometimes the only explanation seems to be that he just isn't as in to you as you are into him. (Not saying this is the case with your BF at all, just saying that I do understand that horrible mental nosedive.)

Then you find yourself thinking 'well I'm not going to be strung along by someone who doesn't give a shit!' And then (if you're me) you dump them.

Fairly confident I made the right decision both times for other reasons, but it's definitely something I struggle with. Unfortunately I'm quite capable of being massively busy (f/t job, single mother to two DCs, lots of mates and family commitments) AND simultaneously driving myself nuts about why Some Guy hasn't replied to my text yet.

I dunno. Maybe men just don't see contact in the way we do? Maybe (as someone else said) if they're down or busy they just file the whole girlfriend issue in a safe box and don't even think about it for a bit.

Whole thing makes me miserable. Solidarity OP!

Hmmm. I was about to post about it being an odd time of year OP and that it's likely to get back on track when you're back at work. Glad you decided that too.

I suspect a lot of people on this thread saying "oh that's a lot of texting - it's all too intense" haven't been in a new relationship since texting became a "thing". Having been on the online dating scene and had a couple relationships in the last few years and in my experience there's a LOT of texting.

Hope you've calmed down and have a lovely weekend together

That is true, BitOutOfPractice. I hate texting very much and now I've decided that I'm going to stick with my husband no matter how loudly he snores.

Lying

Honestly, the whole new relationship scene has changed so much since I met my exDH twenty years ago. It has been a revelation!

I'd also say that I think the six month mark, when you are getting involved but not yet certain of each other, is the peak time for communication. It shores up the relationship at the want-to-be-with-you-every-second stange when you can't be together every second. When I met my exH I had no kids and no repsonsibilities (apart from my job) so we could see each other whenever we liked. Now with kids, jobs, houses, etc etc etc it can be harder to carve the time out to see each other so texting / whatsapping fills the gap. It doesn't necessarily mean you're a desparate sap, it just means that's how you are building threads of closeness between yourselves.

I still go back and read the texts me and the BF sent each other when we first met. They are funny and sweet and filthy and reminds me of that sweet lovely time when we were getting to know each other

Opps! Sorry for the ramble!