Can't stand FIL anywhere near me.

[juneandjuly]

My FIL is very tactile with me. It seems like he takes any opportunity to get close to me, sit next to me and touch me. Didn't mind this too much at first, thought it's just the way he is (he is generally a v friendly person) and that it didn't mean anything. But now it is really starting to creep me out. He doesn't seem to have any respect for my personal space, is always standing too close to me or touching my arm. He acts like I'm incapable of doing anything for myself, e.g. will do my coat up for me. He makes a tremendous fuss over me all the time, to the point of being rude to MIL (e.g. carrying things for me and ignoring her). The final straw was recently when we were at theirs and I was trying on some new riding boots. I was perfectly able to put them on myself, obviously, but he insisted on helping me and then, I think under the pretence of checking they fitted, ran his his hands up my legs, higher than the boots actually went. I practically threw up on the spot. MIL was there at the time but DH was in the kitchen. I felt like crying but managed to cover it.

Now I feel like I can't even look at him, I'm suspicious of him all the time. The background to this is that I have been sexually abused in the past and don't like too much physical contact at the best of times. Can deal with hugging friends etc. and am fine with DH but don't like other people touching me.

I need some outside perspective on whether I am overreacting because of my past. I don't want to wreck my relationship with my ILs, obviously, as DH is very close to them and I like my MIL a lot. We stayed with them at Christmas and I kept away from FIL, moved away from him if he got to close, made sure he couldn't sit next to me etc. and it was OK I guess. But everything he did really grated on me and now I feel like I hate him.

Please can someone give me advice on 1) whether I am hypersensitive about this and (2) how can I deal with the very negative thoughts and feelings I am having. It just brings everything back in a really horrible way (have discussed my past on here before and people suggested PTSD, although I have never sought professional help about this). Thanks.

" DH - your dads behaviour is really upsetting me , I want it to stop right now. How can we work together to achieve this ? "

My brother's fil used to kiss me on the lips every time her saw me. I hated it. I thought I was being oversensitive but I tried to present my cheek to him on one occasion and he grabbed my face with both his hands in order to kiss my lips. So weird and such an invasion of my personal space from someone I barely knew.

Your fil is definitely overstepping the mark. Adults generally don't help other capable adults do their coats up, that's beyond odd.

I'd you feel able confide in your husband about your past. You don't have to go into great detail but it may help you to explain why you find fil behaviour unacceptable without having to rock the boat too much.

Your fil does sound like a complete sleaze tho, I'm not minimising that, but it might be a gentler way of dealing with things. If you don't feel you can confide with you dh about the abuse then I think you'll just have to tell him that your fils attention to you makes you very uncomfortable and ask him if he could ask his dad to tone it down a bit.

You are perfectly "normal" to explain to your dh that he is encroaching on your personal space and it is really upsetting you and it needs to stop and you want his support.

I would practice a comment something like the one I suggested above so it just glides out of your both to FIL and you know your dh will support you with it.

Your poor MIL in all of this too

Please get your dh to read this thread. You don't even have to tell him it's your thread until after he'd read it, but he should be given a chance to understand.

As for coping strategies, I really think you need to concentrate on how to avoid him and how to avoid the situation of being close to him (with dh's help and strict supervision of his dad the whole time). It's his behaviour that's the problem and that needs managing, not yours.

If you don't want to talk to your DH about your past experiences, you don't need to, you can just explain why your FIL is making you feel so uncomfortable. You FIL is behaving appallingly and would make most women feel awful (although I do understand it is harder for you and must be very upsetting). What I am trying to say is that it is your FIL's behaviour which is the issue here and your DH should understand this without reference to anything else. FIL behaviour is unacceptable full stop, you don't need to explain why it is particularly upsetting to you, if you don't want to.

juneandjuly... I'm so sorry to read your OP. What a horrible man your FIL is. He's relying on your discomfort to maintain a secrecy, a silence. Absolutely vile.

I wanted to say this to you, I know that others have said it... You are NOT in any way at fault here. None at all. What others haven't said (apologies if they did and I missed it) is that you are also NOT a 'marked woman'. You were abused when you were younger (I was too) and when it happened again (with your FIL), perhaps it made you wonder if there's something about you, something that makes these men think it's ok. Well it isn't ok. There's nothing about you that makes these things happen. You're a decent woman who has had the misfortune to run into somebody who takes advantage of that and is disrespectful of his son, his wife - and most of all you. None of you deserve him in your lives at all.

You need some stock responses that you will be confident with, as coping strategies as you've identified. What are you comfortable saying? Could you practice them here, perhaps? Some women are confident at smiling and speaking through gritted teeth. Some being cold and efficiently cutting. I was always like a rabbit in headlights and I can totally identify with your 'feel like throwing up' comment.

Could you manage - "Leave me, I can do it" as a response to any advance your FIL makes? Is it always on the guise of 'helping you' or does he try to touch you at other times? Is there anything that would ever make you look into his eyes and tell him that if he ever touches you again he will regret it? It was always my fantasy to be able to do that, but I never did. Maybe you are stronger and you can?

Do you feel reluctant to discuss this with your husband, thinking that it will start WW3 with his parents? If it does, this will NOT be your fault.

Do you think your MIL knows that her husband puts his hands on you inappropriately? Perhaps she's so used to it now (with other women - and there will have been other women) that she thinks it's normal. I think that you instinctively won't speak to her about this.

Don't get sad, juneandjuly, get angry and do not be afraid of 'offending' your offensive FIL. He has no right to your consideration anymore.

I only meant to type a short post of support to you and I've rambled on, sorry if I've derailed. Just wanted to let you know that you are NOT at fault and you are NOT on your own.

that revolts me and I have no history of abuse or anything. I'd be confrontational about it, and say something in a loud voice. He's relying on your being too scared to say anything to keep doing it. I doubt he'd try it on if he knew you'd say something about it.
Your MIL is turning a blind eye and probably always has.

Thank you Lying, you haven't rambled. I AM angry about this. I usually like to wear clothes that are flattering, attractive etc. which my DH (naturally) likes, but I've found myself having an aversion to dressing like that when we are at ILs and instead would rather cover up in something baggy. This really annoys me, why shouldn't I dress the way I like because someone else's behavour makes me feel uncomfortable?

What really upsets me is the thought that now I know what's going on, nothing can really fix it. I can manage it, but I can't ever really trust him. I think I'll always feel suspicious and distrusting.

I feel bad about MIL too. I think she must notice. It's so obvious it's embarrassing. I suspect she might bollock him in private, actually, because it really verges on him being publicly disrespectful to her at times.

1. Talk to your DH - show him this thread
2. Call your FIL on it EVERY TIME. I mean EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Any way that you can bring yourself to - so jokey/shocked/polite but firm. But do it. At the moment his behaviour is in the category of 'secret' as it's not being discussed out loud. Rebutting him in public should hopefully shame him into stopping and also prove to your DH that FILis inappropriate (if your DH has doubts when you tell him) and will finally stop your poor MIL from having to pretend not to notice (if this is what is going on).

You poor thing. It's so hard not to be stunned into silence and I wish you luck.

You need to talk to your husband. You married him, you must love him and trust him? I'm a bit shocked anyone would get married with such big secrets between you.

" What really upsets me is the thought that now I know what's going on, nothing can really fix it. I can manage it, but I can't ever really trust him. I think I'll always feel suspicious and distrusting."

I'm sorry you are so upset. And you're right, you can't " fix" how FIL treats some women . I'm assuming hes in his 50s or older - he's not going to change now.

And no, you can't ever trust him. Yes you will always be suspicious because YOU ARE RIGHT to feel this way about him. If you ever have kids you will need to watch them around him .

We are right to distrust people who don't behave in a safe manner. That's what our feelings are for - to protect us. It's normal . You are having a healthy reaction to his behaviour .

It's like saying " I'm sorry that the nerves in my hand react to heat, because it means I can't touch the cooker when it's on " . Your nerves tell you it's hot and your brain moves your hand away so you don't get injured.

Your heart andyour body are telling you that his behaviour is wrong. Even though your mind is saying " he's just over fussy " . But your stomach feels sick and you feel like crying. Your body is telling you this is wrong and that you need to protect yourself . You are suffering psychological distress because of this.

Be glad that your intuition is good, that your heart and body are working together to keep you safe . Listen to them .

CheeseBuster... My husband isn't aware of the abuse I suffered either. It's not incumbent on a couple - married or otherwise - to disclose things that happened before they knew each other. People have their reasons - and their rights - to keep silent if they choose.

Urgh this sounds utterly disgusting and is a form of assault imo. It doesn't matter whether your DH or whoever thinks he is just being tactile - the point is that YOU are uncomfortable with it which is more than enough reason for it to not continue. What an invasion of your personal space. I would be deeply unhappy if this happened to me. Some people don't even like a hand being laid on them let alone this level of groping.

You need to sat to your DH you are not comfortable with it and that it needs to stop. I guess you don't feel at ease saying something directly next time it happens? And you don't have to at any point mention your past. It has nothing to do with this inappropriate behaviour on the part of your fil.

Sorry you are having to go through this. Hope it stops soon.

I completely agree with Witch. There is no obligation to tell anyone. Anyone who has suffered abuse has the right to decide who, when and whether to tell other including no-one if that's what they want. I think it's completely understandable to not want to bring discussion of previous abuse into a happy marriage.

But you can discuss your FIL's behaviour with your DH without talking about your previous abuse, if that's what you want. FIL's behaviour would be upsetting for anyone - you are feeling awful because he is treating you awfully, not because you are overreacting because of your past.

Also, you sound very kind to be worrying about your MIL, but really I think you should concentrate on protecting yourself. It seems unlikely you are the first woman FIL has behaved like this to, and for whatever reasons your MIL has chosen to accept the situation, but this is her choice. You do not have to choose to accept it and I hope you can find a way of dealing with it, even if in the end it means seeing less of your in-laws.

How about saying to him "you are too touchy feely and I don't like it. I want you to stay an arms length away from me at all times. That means no buttoning my jacket, no helping on with boots, no sitting beside me. I should not have to say this but you have been a perve".

I like calling him a perve, as then it is crystal clear how he has been acting.

And, OP, you don't have to have been abused for that situation to be extremely creepy. I have a neighbour who is like that and in front of his wife, one wonders how these people ever persuaded anyone to marry them. Sorry I have no coping measures to suggest, but there have already been lots of good suggestions.

You are not overreacting. Please do discuss this with your OH. Also, discuss ways in which you can address this. Maybe say something very firm and direct which can not be mistaking eg "That is inappropriate and make me uncomfortable. Please stop". Perhaps consider limiting contact, or stopping it altogether.