How much notice would you take of a fb comment?

[singingbasket]

I have recently started seeing a new bloke and so far things seem to be going ok. I have a few trust issues relating to a past relationship but nb (new bloke) is always where he says he is etc so no worries as of yet.

He told me the name of his exdp this weekend as he was talking about their children they have together. I have now looked her up on fb (I know, I know) and it all seemed to add up until I read some of the comments on her page.

One of them is from him commenting on a photo of her where other people have said she looks nice etc, he said something along the lines of 'don't trust her she's everyones'. She replied to tell him where to go calling him a woman beating rapist!!

I am now sitting here feeling a bit sick and wondering if I have got him completely wrong? They were together from a young age, late teens and had a child young as well so I thought back to the dp's I had at that age and they were far from perfect and one could also be accused of being a woman beater although I am under the impression he has changed a lot since. I am not trying to excuse either man's behaviour but trying to relate it to my own experience where I know I wasn't blameless.

Basically I have no one in rl to ask their opinion on nb as I haven't introduced him to any of my friends yet and he hasn't been to my house as I am in a different village to him. Should I ask him about it or cut off all contact? I really don't know what to do.

[TheyThinkImCool]

WhyTheFace Yes that's the norm, I am not sure if those questions are directed at me but I'll answer them. I have never broken up with anyone before I have been with my partner/father of my two children for 7 years now. If we were to break up (hopefully it never happens) he wouldn't take to FB to throw insults my way. We'd be very civil towards one another, I haven't been on this site for too long but it has been a real eye opener i.e how others treat one another in their relationships or when they've broken up etc.

[singingbasket]

After my last break up I really did want to write/say nasty pa things about my exdp because I was so hurt by what had happened and I wanted people to see him for what he was. Clearly this makes me slightly unhinged but I didn't act on these thoughts and obviously I am relieved that I didn't. However, I have read some interesting comments from others which have been made in the heat of the moment.

I am now expecting a flaming for admitting to this and it doesn't make me any better than him really .

[ProcrastinaRemNunc]

I just fuck off and lick my wounds and then get on with my life.

Same here and I'd consider it normal.

Honestly op, without making excuses for him, how do you feel about what you've seen?

I, personally, would be fucking off and licking my wounds. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to explain this away. His input wouldn't make the blindest bit of difference to my instinctive reaction.

[JeanSeberg]

Come on, OP, you know there's no excuse for those comments don't you.

[arsenaltilidie]

Run for the hills!
No sane man would leave such a comment.
And he would have immediately deleted his comment if he said it in a moment of madness.
Red Flag!

[TheyThinkImCool]

Singingbasket You are better than him.

[YvesJutteau]

It's quite red-flaggy even without the "woman beating rapist" part; enough to be concerning in a new relationship.

If you are planning to stay / considering staying with him then I think you should make an application under the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (not that getting a clean bill of health from that guarantees anything).

[WhyTheFace]

Ah no theythink it wasn't directed at you, it was directed towards OP, although I think it's valuable for us all to reflect on what's acceptable during a break up. NON PA

As I've said on another thread tonight I am in the middle of a break up - I was the one who did the wicked deed after some very troubling behaviour and my ex has taken to social media (meaning that mutual friends and my family have seen this shit) to decry his terrible pain at the break up. He has texted me constantly veering from the apologetic begging to the insulting slurs on my character, he has phoned my best friend, he has called my family members, he got his son to call me at midnight on Boxing Day to ask what had happened, when he KNOWS what happened. I finished with him face to face, I made it clear after that on text and during phone calls. I have blocked him everywhere I can and still he goes on. He makes my skin crawl.

Beware those who act in this way. It's is bigger than a red flag, it is the red flannel petticoats waved in front of the train in The Railway Children. Beware that train. Beware that man.

[fanjobiscuits]

Honestly? I would run for the hills. His comment alone would have been enough for me to end it; I don't want to be with someone who thinks like that.

[WhyTheFace]

Oh and we all THINK about doling out dreadful retribution. My current fantasy is unblocking this ex cunt and telling him that if he doesn't stop contacting everyone and shitting it out on FB then I will tell everyone all about his flaccid genitalia. If he wants a more valid excuse for me leaving him (other than the controlling behaviour) then maybe the fact that he hasn't been able to fuck me once since we've been together will be enough.

NC incoming.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

whytheface - I dream of spray painting profanities across his love nest - I wouldn't of course

Maintain your dignity Cotton!!

[WhyTheFace]

I've lurked on your threads cotton and you are doing marvellously.

Staying dignified and "clean" in the face of dreadful fuckwittery is terribly hard, but it's so so worth it.

[CheeseBuster]

I would dump him just for using fb in that way. It's tacky and very attention seeking.Arguments behind closed doors please.

[DropYourSword]

I think everybody here seems to have a very different opinion from me, but this was a year ago after a recent break up. We've all said and done shit in the past. Why not focus on what he's like now.

[singingbasket]

DropYourSword that is a good point about seeing how he is now. My only concern is that he is covering his true personality as it is the very beginning of our relationship.

If I do continue to see him I will have these comments in the back of my mind and I will be in a better place to remove myself if he shows any signs of being abusive.

[DropYourSword]

Absolutely remove yourself if he does show any signs of being abusive.

Just remember that early days in any relationship, we're all on our best behaviour! And that really, we're the first generation of social media, so it's only very recently there has been permanent evidence of previous indiscretions.

I'm no saint ... Most MN Posters aren't either. We hide behind screen names. I believe if we had to use our actual ID on here you wouldn't see half the comments that are made. He made a shit comment when he was in a shit time of his life. (No idea if she cheated on him, but if she did and he was hurt this is probably his way of hitting out).

I think things would be very different if he had made these comments recently, but as he hasn't just see how things go.

[ApocalypseThen]

I think I'd decline the opportunity to get involved with people like them. They sound like the types who brawl outside pubs to me. And leaving remarks like that on Facebook, presumably for their children to read? Not exactly tremendously great parents.

Misogyny aside for once, these are people that anyone with a modicum of self respect would avoid.