hi eveyone

[tikkaboti]

First of I'd like to say belated Merry Christmas and happy new year in advance. I need some advice from all of the ladies whether they are single or mums. I'm a mom myself with two princesses.
I'm in a spot of bother these days and need help with getting my emotional strength back, because I seem to have gotten myself in a relationship where I feel used, disrespected and a booty call. The guy who Im a involved with currently, approached me in a very nice and decent manner. He is a single father himself and showed great care and concern towards my children at first which kind of faded over the last couple of weeks. I fell like that he wants me to head over to his place every two weeks when my children are with my ex and relax myself and have a good time, until recently I started having the feeling that he wants me to come over to his place to satisfy his biological urges. he says he loves (funny thing he said that he has fallen in love with me within the first 2 weeks of chatting with one another). the guy has helped me when I was in a dire state and in a panicky situation when I I came out of the refuge. but I always have the nagging feeling this he does this so that he can keep getting free sex from me. he kind of have twisted his feeling of love for me with physical needs. now that I have stopped it for a time being because of my personal circumstances he has limited his contact with me and doesn't talk to me as freely as he used, instead wastes his and my time by being quite over the phone which leaves me frustrated. When we first started talking over the phone he would call me up every morning, message me and would even write poetry and all. I fell for that and I thought this is a very caring and romantic guy, only to find out he was setting a honey trap for me to lure me into. here are some of the things that ive noticed in him:
• A hint of jealousy and annoyance towards my little one when he tapped her on her head when she was being cheeky.
• Hit her hand hard while he was hi-fiving her.
• I’ve seen a pair of Women’s undies in his bedroom, hung on top of the radiator while I was at his place. He got defensive, started laughing and then became a bit angry for accusing him of something he has not done (but I keep having this nagging feeling to this day that he has).
• Has said a few things to me that I’d be willing to do for love. One of them would be accepting to take a sip of alcohol. im a muslim woman and ive already told him we abstain from such things.
• I’ve shaved myself with a used lady’s shaver he provided me and he denied it was not used.
• Hint of lust when he said that my eldest daughter is a spitting image of me.
• Left his wee wee in the toilet and didn’t flush it. Shows he is becoming disgusting and doesn’t really care for hygiene even though he was bragging about it before we first got together.
• Thinks that women are like horses and the men are their riders. (very very insulting).
• He has related to me a couple of times that he could have been with other girls (who he thought were nice girls) but didn’t hang out with them because they smoke and drink. Which makes me think that I’m just an option and not someone special as he says that I am.
• He used to express his feelings of getting me pregnant a lot of time before, which has put me in a state of alarm whenever I’ve had sex with him.
• He always wants to have unprotected sex with me which I am not comfortable with.
• He doesn’t care and ignores me right after having sex with me which made me feel cheap and used and a booty call.
• Got into my facebook account on my phone and spied on all the contacts and on one of the convo I had with a friend of mine and started interrogating me about it and started suspecting me for nothing. However, I never got into his personal belongings to find out about his activities and stuff.
• I was relating a convo to him about a friend of mine and he started lecturing me about who I should keep as my friends and who I shouldn’t and how I should talk to them. When I expressed my annoyance he became angry and started berating me.

I need some perspective on this situation. Im new to this dating and courtship thing and he terms this as a real relationship. to me it seems like a joke and feels like a trap he putting me in by locking me down in a fairy tale relationship and by one means or the other trying to get me pregnant. btw this guy happens to be a counsellor and has taken this sort of approach with another one of his exs. he has been in 3 serious relationship before and says this is the last one he wants to be in. if this one doesn't work out he will go into casual ones and continue to have sex with random women. sex is great with this guy, but I do not want that to be the only reason to be with him and I certainly do not want to be used by him as and when he likes as it hasn't been long since ive been divorced from my previous 8 year relationship last year. he says he loves me and wants to marry me, but kind of puts in a situation and risky encounters that I give in. for this matter, I have become confused, anxious, emotionally invested and empty. I cant stop thinking about him, but im keeping myself strong in away that I never initiate the contact with him as he calls me up. this guy lives in Leeds and I live in London. whenever I ask him now to come over to Londn and take me out on a date he makes excuses due to lack of finances and all he cant travel. Now this is the guy who was so eager to see me when we first set up a date and now makes excuses. Im trying to be keep myself strong ladies, as I have children, im currently studying and busy life style to tend to. This relationship has slowed me down and leaving me depleted. I want to move on, any advice.

It doesnt matter what HE thinks of your reasons for breaking up.

You do not need his permission to break up. You d not need anyone to tell you it is ok to break up.

The only thing that matters is that YOU want to break up.

You dont even have to give anyone a reason. You dont have to give him one so he will have nothing to argue back with.

He does not want you as a friend- that is a trick to get you to stay in his life.

You need to cut all contact with him. Completely.

He is dangerous.

YY to everything whyyougottabesorude says

thank you all

thanks again everyone. It's a relief to see your reply to my posts. I thought I was losing hope and going a bit insane with the state and emotional web this man has left me in. You girls have given me some really good pointers as how to look at the relationship. being grown up in the east, we were taught to tolerate your significant other's attitude no matter how horribly they treat you. But in my case I just refused to accept that ideology and ran away from my previous relationship. when I met this guy, I admit that I should not have given him too much info of my past, because I realized during the course of this recent one that he treating me n the same manner as my ex did. And slowly becoming possessive, jealous and a control freak whenever we spoke on the phone or when we were together. I didn't feel the love as he said that he feels it for me and has madly fallen for me. the only thing he fell for was my body, and after going through some self-counselling videos ive realized that these men pry on vulnerable women and yes one of the lady's right that these men are like emotional vampires. cause he once said to me that my past story is what put in on fire for me. That's why he became so glued (attached) to the fact that this one is a fresh one of the farm, so I can use, emotionally blackmail and manipulate her however he wants to. the fact that he said I came too easy and that he has kind of conquered me by isolating me from my family, made me feel wary and loss of respect for myself. 6-7 months down the line he did admit as to what his actual intentions were to lure me into this honey trap.

I feel quite anxious for you having read this. You really must end it and block him so that he can't get to you again. Well done for recognising that this is not how it should be, though. You do have the strength to do this, you know

You've mentioned his "origin" a coiple of times. What do you mean by this?

get rid of him now, I had one like that, turned out to me a monster, unfortunately I couldn't find anything to get him jailed. I suspected something more dark in him when he started saying he used to have sex with his ex wife with a photo of her daughter there. I went berserk fortunately I had kept him away from my daughter, only visited his house, but ended up in a dangerous situation with him and his mates something I have to live with forever, get rid of him now, he is a monster, showing all the signs honey, please for your DDs sake.

.

just to add.. this is not "dating and courtship". Far from it.

this man is a Nigerian. I happen to be a south African born myself got involved with an African man in a relationship (fairy tale one of playing husband and wife) a couple of months ago until now. Now what ive noticed recently in him, he brings this up every now and then that the reason why I want to end this relationship is because he is an African man. Ive assured him that is not the case, I like him because of his origin. What I don't like are the facts that ive stated above. And let me tell u one more danger point about him. He likes white and fair-skinned girls and not the ones from his own country. He mentioned there were quite a few from his own country who wanted a relationship with him or wanted to sleep with him. Even here in UK there are a few who are after him, which kind of makes me think that he would more likely cheat on me once things get real and tough. He has mentioned that he's got a lot of girls as his friends and has their phone nos. and if I ask him to get rid of their no and stuff he will never do it. However, on the contrary side he spied on my fb convos and got jealous of my best friend and made me block and delete his contact details. Even though I never got into his personal belongings to check for any sign of suspicious activity and I let him know about this a couple of times. Such an of his has kind of turned me off when he started spying on me a few months ago. Trust me Im the kind of woman if she is honest with her man would allow him to check up on everything which I have. But what he did was, he turned around and started accusing me of something I never did as I allowed him to check up on everything that I have. He on the other hand, kept the phone to himself always and use to keep it a password on it. There is another reason why I want to end this relationship with him, he has a son from his ex-wife who happens to be a white lady. The way things were going with me since the start of the relationship, I kind of had a nasty feeling that ill end up in the same situation. I also noticed that he was kind of pushing his son upon me to develop a bond with him while he was sideling my daughters and refusing to be their father figure. And seeing that he is an African man (mind you they happen to be very fertile men) nagged me down into having unprotected sex with him everytime. Every encounter with him used to leave me in a state of devastation and I would rush to the clinic to get myself an emergency pill. Imagine, the embarrassment I would have to go through as a woman. Thing is everyone (my sincerest friends and family members) were warning me of their culture and signs until I starting noticing these signs of potential problems myself along the way. I'm not racist or anything, but when I tried to break up with him he was twisting and turning it into this particular direction. I believe a woman would encounter such man in any culture, what im doing for myself right now is to break myself free from his charm, helping hand mixed with deviousness and manipulation, emotional web he was trapping me in. I had to realize that im a woman in my 30s with 2 children, he cant charm and seduce me into rushing after him or doing stuff for him like a 20 year old would do. Even a single 20 year old wouldn't make such irrational decisions.

Ok I'm lost. You've been seeing someone else in the last couple of months?

No, same guy spb.

Stop engaging with him, block any attempts he may have to contact you. You don't have to explain anything to him. The best thing you can do is be single for a while and work on your self esteem

You are spinning such a story around all this but the facts are very simple: he's dangerous and abusive. It doesn't matter where he's from or what sort of girls he likes - just get rid of him.

Just ignore him. He doesn't control you and he doesn't own you. You don't even live anywhere near each other. Just pretend he doesn't exist.

And grow a bit of a backbone on the contraception front. Nobody should be making you have unprotected sex if you don't want to. Apart from the risk of conception, who knows where he's been?

Get rid, get rid, get rid.

Just get rid. Change your number if you have to. You don't need all this detail to justify how unsuitable and dangerous he is.

And get some therapy to explore your own self worth before you embark on another relationship.

S you've only been with this loser for two months

Holy shit. You must be rid of this man. Tell him if he bothers you again you'll call the police. I'd bet he's already known to them.

And if he's a counsellor you could consider reporting him as well.

What is this crap about very fertile men and your embarrassment. You've known him less time than I've had this spot on my neck, he is a pervert and controlling, you owe him nothing. You certainly don't owe him all this angst. He's not your partner he's just an idiot who has been trying to get into your life for access to your daughter, more than likely. You've already told him to leave you alone so tell him again and if he doesn't you'll call the police. You're making a huge drams out of it.

He's the same Nigerian guy ive been in a relationship with for the past 8 months. That's what one of the counsellors who have advised me too, to call the police on him if he gets anywhere near me. Most of you have been suggesting to change my no. how do I do that. my network is 3 and ive got another year's contract with them and this happens to be my main contact no. can 3 change my no without any extra charges and without changing my contract? I also want to ask you ladies a personal question. Is coil fitting the safest form of contraception? Problem is I was married before for 8 years until last year my relationship with my ex-husband came to an end. In our community we don't really bother taking any contraception, however it is allowed if we want to spend our life child-free. So im new to this as well and he kept nagging me to go for it so as he can keeping having unprotected sex with me. He would say that if he wears a condom then he would be making love to a prostitute that made feel cheap, and reluctantly I used to give in. But now Ive had enough and yes I want to dump him and ive done that twice. but he is still insists on being friends, so ive put on a cold shoulder for him to keep him at an arm's distance. this will make him realize I don't want him anymore and he'll leave me alone. Funny thing is he is known to the police in Leeds, as his ex-wife called them to come and arrest him. Now since he tells me his side of the story, he tells me that the police was on his side, and termed him as the innocent one so they dropped the charges on him. To me it seems like a lie cause he must have done something to his ex-wife which is the reason why she called the police on him. No woman in her right mind would want to call the police on her husband for no valid reason.

SPB that's what im doing. if he bothers me again and tries to come over to my place I will call the police on him.

Run.
Run now and run fast.

the reason why ive presented you ladies with my story is because I was feeling sad, anxious, confused and frankly quite frustrated and that is why I resorted to mumsnet to get views of the women who might be in a similar situation as mine.

So glad you have ended it. Keep firm. Dont answer you phone when he rings, dont answer the door. Dont speak to him at all. Call the police straight away if he threatens you or gets aggressive.

He is nasty abusive and dangerous.

You need to go no contact at all with him.

Speak to 3 about changing your number.

You also need to get checked for sexually transmitted diseases after having unprotected sex with this man.

Only condoms protect you from pregnancy and stds.

You have been with him eight months. You can't think of anything positive about him. If he accuses you of racism then that is ridiculous, why would you have gone out with him in the first place? Has his "origin"changed over the last eight months? No! But his behaviour has!