Husband has announced he has drink problem

[DoesntKnowWhenToStop]

So after yet another evening ruined by my 'D' H's inability to know when to stop drinking he announces he has a drink problem.

Over the past few years he has developed a tendency to be verbally abusive when drunk. I have reached breaking point and now he announces that he has a problem with alcohol and will get help.

I honestly don't know if it's alcohol or him that is the problem. I feel at my wits end

Yes to not drinking yourself for a while to show support. I gave up drink when bro was trying to get sober. It was a small gesture but he says it helped. He's been sober 20 years now.

I don't think you're "supposed" to do anything; the big thing with a drink problem is that:
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
And you can't control it
There is only one person who can make a difference and that's your DH.

However, as PPs have said, the one thing you can do, is to look after yourself.
Be very clear about what is acceptable to you, and be clear about what the repercussions are.

Ie: it wont work to say to him "don't drink today", but it will work for you to say "I'm not prepared to live with someone who verbally abuses me ". That makes it his choice, his responsibility. If he's rude to you, he can then take the consequences. Sounds simple- obviously is harder in real life; it requires follow through on consequences.

My XP had a major binge drink problem, I tried everything as you can imagine.... For years..... In the end what actually made a difference (he's told me this since), was when I said basically : "your problem , you deal with it, ask me for help if you need it, But otherwise I won't try and come up with solutions for you. And... I'm not staying with you if you're horrible like this". And we're not together now..... But ironically he has now stopped drinking.

There is too much to say in a post, but yes Al anon useful. Also I found a website called sober recovery very useful. Section for family and friends. Gave me a lot of strength to stand firm. Allowed me to see things clearly, which can be difficult when you're in the middle of it.

Also as PP said, Actions speak louder than words. Very important. Whatever your DH says is only valid if it's backed up by actions. Good luck

Again, the change has to come from him. One of the reasons why it's important for the problem drinker to be open about the problem is so that other people, like the friends coming over for lunch or whatever, can be supportive and make adjustments. Realistically - at least at first - it will be unhelpful to be drinking in front of him. I doubt it will be the end of the world for you and your friends to have a ginger beer at lunchtime :)

But you cannot manage this for him. He has to be the one anticipating the next situation where he may be faced with alcohol or a craving to drink. He has to be determined to have a strategy in place for that situation that will prevent him from drinking.

Did he download the book I/you suggested?

I'm sure you're right that he's giving you the vibe that this is your problem to sort out for him. Are you usually the sorter-outer in the relationship? You can't be this time. In fact the best way you can support him is by focusing on yourself as the person most affected by his drinking problem, i.e. by attending Al Anon, reading up on how to detach from the problem. There is a companion book to the one I recommended written for loved ones of problem drinkers here. I haven't read it but I know from the first book that it will be quite clear that the loved one in fact CAN'T help them beat the booze, at least that the primary motivation has to come from the problem drinker. So if you do read it (and I'm sure it's very good) I would make sure he doesn't know, as his assumption is likely to be: oh good, once she's read it she can tell me how to beat the booze and how she'll be monitoring me hourly to make that happen. Not the case at all.

He needs to be making an appointment with his GP, btw - I guess unlikely to get seen before New Year but the surgery will be open tomorrow for him to book an appointment. I would suggest this to him again purely to gauge his reaction. My guess is he won't want anything on his medical record / will want to try and handle this himself.

I don't have direct experience of supporting an alcoholic who wants to stop so I bow to people who do have that knowledge, however it seems to me you both have a window of opportunity here.

Its NOT your responsibility to sort him out. He will only succeed if he takes FULL responsibility for this himself, eg going to meetings, going to the GP, and not taking that drink. He should get rid of the drink lying around himself. He needs to make this HIS decision.

However I think you can improve the chances of success by getting support for yourself (eg Al Anon) and doing what you can to understand what he is going through. Eg if he usually drinks in the evening or goes out a lot with drinking friends, there will be a gap, so you might recognise that he will be feeling at a loss to start with until he finds other ways to spend the time.

Good luck.

How are things going today, OP? I'm hoping with it being a regular day he has found himself an AA meeting.

Nope no meeting tribpot says he'll go Wednesday (this is the day of the closed meeting which he would prefer). He has downloaded the book you suggested though.

DC1 has been pretty sick with whatever is going round so I've been sat in bed with her watching back to back movies and intermittently cleaning up vomit whilst he takes care of the younger two.

One piece of advice that may be useful: Don't make it a condition of staying that he attends 12-step programmes as they are not only mostly useless (if they 'work' it is simply because the person attending the meetings has reached the decision for him/herself that enough is enough) but there are other, often more effective ways to stop or control excessive drinking. Make it a condition that he stops the verbal abuse first. Then that he assesses his drinking and sees the GP. The most successful method of dealing with problem drinking, statistically, is 1-1 psychotherapy.
THough, again, the only thing that really 'works' is that the drinker has had enough of drinking. Some problem drinkers never stop. You are under no obligation to continue living with someone whose behaviour is unacceptable.
Good luck.

Thanks everyone for advice so far.

He won't see his GP - someone else mentioned same above - mainly because he won't see it as being of any benefit and to a lesser extent that he won't want it 'recorded'.

SGB I'm interested in your comments re 12 step. DH could access psychotherapy privately (and therefore presumably swiftly) if necessary but I think the reality is that whilst he wants to stop being an arsehole (I believe he is genuinely ashamed the morning after the night before) he doesn't want to stop drinking - he enjoys it.

Whether he wants to stop being an arsehole more than he wants to keep drinking will be the decider.

I got a lot out of my 12-step programme. It's very much a matter of the groups you end up with, your individual character and other support around you. Rigidly insisting they're no good is as daft as insisting they're the only way. Personally, I see the steps as a decent framework for any life, with or without addiction. I had no problems adjusting my atheism to the 'higher power' component but, again, this was due to the 3 factors above.

Oh, btw, Doesnt - If DH's preferred group is a closed one, has he been in touch with the named contact for an invite, or checked whether Wednesday's meeting is a newcomers' one? Tbh, I've never seen a closed group turn anyone away, but it would be taking the piss to just roll up knowing it was 'closed'.

I suggested seeing the GP. More of a test of his commitment to sobriety than because he really needs blood tests (although it wouldn't hurt, depending on how much he's been drinking).

The no GP, closed meeting thing all smacks of wanting to keep his problem a secret. Whether you agree with the 12 steps or not, admitting - out loud and in public - that you have a problem with booze is essential to the recovery.

Has he been drinking?

Sorry to hear you have a poorly DD, hope she is on the mend soon. There's a lot of it going around this year.

If DH's preferred group is a closed one, has he been in touch with the named contact for an invite

A closed meeting is not a meeting where you need an invite, it is simply a meeting where only alcoholics or people who wish to stop drinking are welcome.

If someone wishes to go along to the meeting as support for a person looking for help then that supporter can ask for the meeting to the opened for them. Ive never known anyone be refused but I dont think it will matter in this case.

Sorry for my misunderstanding, Decent - thanks.

I agree tribpot that it would be a useful test of sobriety but it just won't happen. At present he still has a big issue with making a public declaration about his drinking which I kind of get - he is extremely emotionally repressed.

He hasn't drunk since Christmas day, despite a big social occasion where there was lots of booze on Boxing Day. There are a couple of other occasions in the calendar so will see how they go.

Re the meeting - I assume he has spoken with someone. But I'm not following up with him. As far as im concerned he needs to get on with it. I do not want to be chasing him

He hasn't drunk since Christmas day, despite a big social occasion where there was lots of booze on Boxing Day.

That's encouraging!

Telling his GP is hardly public though, is it?! It's basically completely confidential.

However, I mention it more for your benefit than his - the signs don't point strongly to someone intent on recovery.

Please don't chase him about the closed nature of the meeting. You're quite right that he needs to do this on his own.

It sounds as if the whole drink problem 'admission' (made in secret) has really (from your perspective) just been a diversion from the greater problem of whether you want to stay married to him. You're not obliged to put your life / plans on hold just because he shows marginal signs of wanting to address his drinking.

tribpot you're absolutely right about me needing to decide whether I want to stay married separate to the drinking announcement.

I need some time to think - There is no doubt our marriage is not good. But I wouldn't categorise it as 'bad' - at least not in the way some peoples are. And there have certainly been periods when it has been good. I need to figure out whether it's worth making the effort and whether he is going to reciprocate

If the marriage is not good anyway, it's time to put a stop to it because it's only going to get worse. He may stop drinking, sure, but a recovering alcoholic is likely to be unbearably self-obsessed and self-pitying and unutterably boring. If he goes the 12-step route then you will be expected to pick up every last bit of domestic/childcare/social slack while he goes to meetings. If you want a drink yourself (OK, it is unfair to drink in front of a newly-dry alcoholic, but your drinking is your business so you could go out with a friend and have a glass of wine with your dinner) he will nag, whine, tantrum and spoil all your potential enjoyment.
Or he will keep drinking and blame you for not being 'supportive' enough, and become even more verbally abusive. You'd probably be a lot better off cutting your losses and dumping him.

You do need to figure it out, and it might be difficult. I'm sorry you're having to confront such an emotional quagmire.

For what it's worth, a 12-step programme would demand emotional honesty about all the ways he's wronged you, and serious effort to put things right. A high percentage of members flunk out at this stage, and/or kid themselves they've done it when they haven't. Several of those will be folks who were using their addiction (consciously or not) to hide deep-seated issues which they can't address. You're under no obligation at all to 'help' him with this process; in fact you're free to tell him to fuck off with his amendments if it's too late.

I agree with tribpot that it's really about your relationship as a whole and whether it can enhance your life. "Not as bad as some" isn't good enough. Thus, it's important not to get too hung up on his drinking/sobriety/recovery thing. Tricky, though. I hope you can find very good support.

SGB, I never did any of that!!!!! I know some do, but it's not inevitable unless the man's a twat anyhow.

If its any consolation Garlic, I didnt do any of the things spoken about either.

Whether 12 stepping or not, it's likely the DH will focus extensively on what's needed for his sobriety. And whilst his verbal abuse may be more evident during drinking than not, there are certainly signs that he is going to blame OP for him not drinking.

Debating the merits of AA vs other therapies is not particularly relevant to this thread, which is for the OP who is not the alcoholic and quite correctly wants to detach from the sobriety journey. She may or may not benefit from Al Anon entirely separately to her DH's decisions.

For the OP to pass on to hubby.

Suggest to google 'alcoholicsanonymous' where HE will find everything he needs or wants.

Sorry to deviate from your help OP.

Good Luck.