I'm regular on here but have name changed.
I've always had and difficult relationship with my parents. Growing up my father was physically and verbally abusive. My mother just went along with it. She was abusive too but not quite as bad. Examples to put things in context:
- they were obsessed with appearances and making the right impression to others. Looking posh etc. So...if I didn't wear the clothing they chose before leaving the house I would be beaten, called a "little shit" and told "I may have to love you because you are my child but I don't like you". I would leave the house for play dates just literally destroyed.
- there was absolutely no physical affection. Watching my cousin with her five year old daughter this Christmas reminded me of this. Her daughter was sitting on her lap getting a cuddle. If I I tried to do this when I was young, I would be pushed off like I was too old to have a cuddle...
- there is this thing they would do when I talked to them about my life or interests...they would just sort of stare at me blankly and not respond or say they didn't want to talk about stupid things.
So...I am now nearly 30. They are much better than they used to be but mainly because I live far away and don't see them that often?! They do seem to have mellowed a lot though. But it is so very hard to forgive the past. I still bear a lot of sadness from it.
The new thing they are obsessed with is me having a relationship. If I talk to them about anything that doesn't involve a potential love interest (oh, and one that is STRICTLY the type of man they would like e,g, an accountant!) then they just bristle and don't answer or engage in conversation. It's totally weird. I love discussing things...the other Thing they do is whenever I try to talk with them about something, they just look at me and don't really reply and them say "we/I don't like having hypothetical conversations".
I have suffered from terrible social anxiety for years. I am very very shy about speaking in front of more than 2 people. It is getting better... I am starting to feel more confident but I feel that my problems are potentially rooted in their response when I try to have a conversation with them. I feel like everyone is going to think I am talking about stupid stuff when I start talking!
And Christmas at home just makes all that painfulness and difficulty I used to feel and experience come flooding back. I just had a MASSIVE argument with my mum where I tried to start a conversation and she wouldn't r.eply and said it was "too hypothetical". Just by way of explanation, I was looking at wedding pics of some celebrity in the newspaper and saying I thought it was quick for the couple to get married again so shortly after being divorced. I just don't understand why my topics of conversation aren't worthwhile enough for them.
They will never change really, will they?....it just makes me so sad for them as it would be nice to be close to my parents.
Not sue what I'm asking for. Just some advice,...any advice and some hand holding.
Thank yon for reading