AIBU to not want FIL from overseas coming to visit immediately after baby born?

[Frugal15]

DP is from the other side of the world. We're expecting a baby together in a few months (not the first for either of us but our first together), and DP's dad has told us he will be coming to meet his new grandchild around the time baby's due/the early weeks afterwards. And I don't want him to.

I do plan to have my mum over loads in the early weeks/months, because she's completely non-judgmental, will be really helpful with cooking and cleaning, and will be an empathic shoulder to cry on when it all gets a bit much. I won't mind sitting in front of her in my pyjamas, boobs out, no make-up, baby blues – letting it all hang out. She'll just be a fab support, as she was when I had DS.

But I've met DP's dad only three times. He's not said anything about coming over to help; he's coming to meet baby. He's fundamentally a nice man, but he is full-on. When he has stayed twice before, it's put quite a strain on DP and I, because we get virtually no time together for weeks at a time. He talks forever and is quite judgy, and FIL needs to be kept busy, which means either DP keeping him entertained whilst on paternity leave (which is surely to support me/get to know baby), DP taking annual leave to keep Dad entertained (and we need to bank this leave for school holidays and a build project we're working on), or me keeping FIL entertained in the early weeks – nightmare.

This time, FIL doesn't plan to stay with us but with a close relative of DP's ex-wife, who he built a good rapport with when she and DP were still together. So on the one hand, he won't actually be staying here - a plus. The problem is, DP's ex-wife has caused us so much stress and upset, and even though FIL won't be staying here, I feel on edge thinking about him relaying the ins and outs of how we're getting on with baby back to DP's ex's family; that makes me feel pretty vulnerable and exposed at a private time. Plus, even with not staying here, he'll be over for hours at a time every day, and I'll feel under pressure to be up, dressed, on good form, awake – all when I might feel sore, like sleeping when the baby's sleeping, tearful and hormonal.

I've talked to DP about how I feel, and he's close to his dad and says he'll need support too – and I'll be having my mum over lots after all. But I don't think it's the same. And, without wishing to sound like a diva, I think it is a lot about me here: it's my body, my recovery, me trying to establish breastfeeding, me riding the hormonal rollercoaster. I think I should be able to say what I'm comfortable with and decide who comes and when.

AIBU? FIL will get on and book up flights any day now – there's no "Does this plan work with you guys?"; he sent me a message just yesterday saying he's looking forward to meeting baby in a few months. He has also told us he'll be visiting friends in Europe too beforehand. On this basis, and so as not to hurt him, would it be mean to suggest he just comes across to us for a few days? Otherwise, it'll be potentially weeks of him and I'm getting stressed just thinking about it - so not helpful with relaxing in preparation for birth/avoiding PND!

Any advice would be really welcome. Thanks.

i think YABU with your FIL why dont you judge the situation when he actually comes over you might be stressing yourself unnecessarily with most foreign man( as im foreign myself) would rather let the women folk get on with it and will probably be coming over when his son is around. You are coming across as if your side of the family is more important than your dp`s

to me she's coming over worried and unsure and asking what is reasonable to expect

The point is despo that even if fil does want to spend all his time with his son, it's not great timing as the son should be supporting his partner, the new mother.

I cannot stress enough that you say 'no' to the FIL coming to stay after the birth, even if he is nice etc.

When my DS was born, both my FIL and MIL came to stay with us for 3 days. They arrived when DS was three days old, on the promise that they would cook, clean and help out. They did nothing at all except create a mess and mince around the house expecting to be entertainined! Yes, they brought food, but ate it themselves!

It was a total pain, felt obligated the entire time to please them etc. MIL had the audacity to tell me not to clear the table and wash up, she would do it! I should bloody think so.

I was recovering from a c-section, trying to establish breastfeeding, look after a newborn, and as you predict, had to hide in the bedroom for breastfeeding, try to look presentable when all I wanted was to be comfortable.

Don't do it! It's your time, tell him to come when the baby is older.

OP, though you don't know precisely when the baby will arrive, do you have a general idea of how long after the birth you might feel ready for FiL visit?

If you you could be clear about that perhaps your partner would be more inclined to support the time frame.

I'm sorry Op as I can see it's bothering you, but I do think YABU - he's not staying with you & you can't ban him from that country. He wants to meet his new grandchild ASAP & I think that's lovely - would be awful if he weren't bothered at all.

Given he's staying elsewhere, then treat him like a relative who lives in the same country & allow him to visit in small doses.

Many thanks for the further posts. toffeeboffin, I'm sorry you had such a rough time with your in-laws.

In answer to an earlier post, DS was four days late. For some reason, I think this one might be a smidge early, but really, I have no idea.

We have no idea how long FIL plans to stay; he hasn't said, and DP/I haven't been bold enough to ask.

DP and I have talked more this morning about this. DP I think understands how I feel, but does say he wants to see his dad and for him to be welcome, and I completely get that. He then said, "So I take it you're going to ration when your own dad can see the baby?" Sigh. I thought that was a bit harsh. It's. Not. The. Same. My dad's seen me blub, lose it, feel overwhelmed - he's my dad. I didn't mind breastfeeding in front of him with DS. But I don't have that same relationship with FIL, who I've met three times.

Anyway, I've had an email from FIL today suggesting that when he comes over, he and DP and all the (existing) kids go out and play golf, leaving me and baby to it. I read it to DP and he said, OK, fair enough, FIL is in his own world. Paternity leave is not for DP to bloody play golf with FIL! Granted, on a weekend with our existing kids here, it could be helpful if it's getting full-on and if they want to do it, but they might want to be home with their new sibling. FIL, on the other hand, will need to be kept busy, as predicted.

DP has said he will say something to FIL, but he doesn't know what to say or how to say it. Nor do I TBH. I think he doesn't want to hurt FIL, who's keen - and I see that that's a positive thing. I wonder if we are just going to have to drop some hints to the effect that we don't know when baby will come, how the birth will go, etc, so we'll be letting that lead how things pan out post-arrival. And then we just manage FIL once he's here.

You're absolutely right that I can't stop him coming into the country! I don't want to do that. I think I was just feeling very fight-or-flight about it initially because it was all getting organised without any consideration towards how I might feel. And based on previous experience, FIL is pretty self-centered, needs to be kept occupied and monopolises DP - who I will need to support me. DP will also want to be very much focused on baby, not his dad. It should at least help that he's not going to be staying with us, you're right.

If I were you I would contact FIL directly.

Tell him that he if he comes around the time of the birth then he is not likely to see much of DP , because he will be busy with the baby and supporting you. He also won't be able to spend much time at your house as you will be recovering from the birth. I would put it to him that he will have much more time with both DP and the baby if he delays for a few weeks.

'Dear FIL.
How nice it will be to see you and for you to meet your new grandchild.. Might we suggest that you delay your planned arrival until after (insert date). That way hopefully life with the new baby will be a little more settled, we'll be in a bit of a routine and you'll be able to visit us properly rather than calling in for the odd hour or so during the rather challenging first weeks with new baby. soothe... reassure.... etc '

How's that for a starter??

@silthyove i like everyone else am putting our points across what i said was food for thought OP asked for our opinion and i am giving it

Did anyone say you shouldn't? I responded in kind with some food for thought.

Or do you only expect to interact with op.

I'm very concerned about your partner's attitude here. He seems very focused on himself and his needs, and I think that's creating the issue with your FIL. Your partner needs to get clear on just who is pregnant and what his actual role is. Once he understands that, I suspect other things will fall into place.