Domestic Abuse - My Poem I have just written

[Happyandsimple]

I have been married for 3 years. And have never been able to put the words down about my situation, feeling very ashamed and confused. I spoke to womans aid the other day and everything seemed clearer.

Today I read a thread " dear husband" It was emotional reading, and i realized, I needed to write something down. because I have been silent for so long, I have become unable to put down in words how I feel.
I am not a poet, but this is how I feel in words. And if anyone has ever felt like this, or is feeling like this. Your so strong. The reason its called my face is fine but my mind is injured, is because for months I have been doing tick sheets online to find out if I am with someone abusive, I began to feel like what I was going through was a non issue, because I am not suffering physical violence like some of these people are, I suddenly became more hidden, because I felt I was making a fool out of myself to ever share what is going on. On speaking to you guys on here who suggested I try to call womens aid again. I was shocked, she knew everything , as if we had spoke before everything I was going to say, about what he does and the reasons for it, she knew. I can tell you on that lunch break I cried, for the whole hour, suddenly a weight lifted over my shoulder. This isnt in my head. People will believe me if i tell someone. One day I will open my mouth to someone in real life. and that day will be a beautiful day. But this is a big step for me writing it down like this, my heart felt lighter. Even if no one reads it, the fact I have let this out to the world when I am so scared people will tell me , its no big deal stop being silly. Ive grown up with the whole " put up and shut up your husband is your husband, you married him so deal with it" .. This is what I have heard women around me practise, so I wondered why I found it so hard to be the forgiving wife that I needed to be, the accepting wife of all her husband actions. Why was I this brat who couldn't stop being overly sensitive? Why did my husband seem to say he had no control over his actions? Why does he say he cant help saying certian words because its just the way he talks, why can i only speak to my husband at certian times and he constantly says " write it down" when its 2 words. I realise that I am not perfect. But its not all my fault. that I am relieved about.

My face is fine, but my mind is injured.
Every day, it gets harder and harder.
To dream that things will ever get better and better.
I’m struggling, I’m suffocating, and I’m drowning in side.
Trying so hard to hide what’s on my mind.

He says I’m mental.
Then the next minute he’s gentle.
He makes me feel uncomfortable, sometimes he thinks he’s untouchable.
He knows il never leave. Because I made a promise. And I believed,
It would be forever, not constantly hurting my heart, when did this start?

You can’t see the suffering that goes on every day, everything I say nothings every okay.
I try to change, and yet things are still the same.
I’m always at fault, wish things would just ground to a halt.
I pretend like everything is fine, but I wish people would just read between the lines.

When he touches my back, it makes my skin crawl.
When he refuses to let me talk it makes me feel small.
I cry every night wishing someone would save me.
Then I wake up and I remember the reality.

I sometimes wish the scars were visible to see.
Who would say something so twisted and unreal?
I’m walking on egg shells scared to ask a question.
Everyday I’m trying too learn a new lesson.

He snaps at me for asking “ is there nappy’s in the bag”
He makes me feel like a bad mum and makes me feel so sad.
I worry, how he will act when were around other people.
He lies about simple things, he is so deceitful.
But how can he be so bad?
When he cooks and he cleans?
Perhaps the real problem lies within me?
Have I got high expectations? Do I ask for to much?
I try not to hold a grudge.
I draw the line from the night before.
Then morning comes and I’m ready for what’s in store.

You hide my medication when you think im to independent.
The things you do are to much to mention.
You say you need nobody else but me.
And how lonely you would be.
If we were ever to part. So then I feel I don’t have the heart, to run to my freedom.
There are just so many reasons.
Why I am still here.
Am I isolated, lonely, no family around?
Does he control me act likes he owns me, knocks me down?
Grabs me, hurts, me injures my face?
Hurt me so bad I cant walk for days?
No

But he lies to me, makes me question myself.
So overwhelmed by all the things im doing wrong.
Make me feel like I don’t belong.
Makes me cry, makes me lie about things that happen.
Change the story, make things up, cry the victim, make me the villain.

He says;” I’m not interested”, “I’m not listening”, no one cares. And it’s just not fair.
I deserve to have a voice, I deserve to have a choice, of when I want to talk.
I shouldn’t be shut down. And only allowed, to talk when he is free.. Because it’s not just about him, what about me?
I often get confused, because I see what they call abuse in the media.
What he does to me doesn’t sound like abuse to me either.
Because I do the tick shit asking what he does.
But the results come back and then I feel like I’m just making a big fuss.

I feel like I should stay because he doesn’t lay his hand on me. There’s no damage you can see.
Yet my mind has been destroyed, and now I avoid, everyone that I know. Not because he makes me, but because I feel like less of a person.
Deep down I’m seriously hurting.
I wonder if this is my fault, am I not a good person?
Is it all in my head and am I the one with the problem?

Am I being abused? Would the tick sheet say yes or no, because I need to be sure before I go.
My face is fine but my mind is injured, even though there is no proof that can be pictured, how I can prove that this is real. Not a figment of my imagination. To ruin his reputation. Because I am the one who bosses him about, everyone says I’m so lucky to have him around.
I did think my face was fine, but actually, there is some signs. I never smile anymore, unless someone’s looking at me, my eyes are so dead and so red, from all the tears.

Okay I changed my mind, am I allowed to do that? Because sometimes I feel I can only stat fact. Without being shouted at.
What I’ve decided is, I may not have bruises on my face, but my scars still last for days.
Even though you may not see, my toxic relationship is real, and dangerous for me.
It’s hard for me to admit, that I am in this situation. But I wrote this poem to show you’re not alone. Please pick up that phone and speak to someone. They will believe you, because abuse is abuse.
Maybe one day I will be free, but till then build strength with me.
If you’re in a situation that you’re not happy with. Forget the label of what this is.
Believe in yourself that you deserve better. Maybe one day Il do the same and you will get an updated letter.

For now this is goodbye. Writing this has made me feel free, no more lies, no more trying to hide. Speaking the truth, will bring out the strength I need, to flee and find peace.

[Simpleandhappy]

You have many years ahead of you to pog, is everything really ok? I suppose me seeing my old phone and seeing this post is what I needed to remind me what I can accept and not accept you forget what you weant through , going through the old text messages, I never dreamed I would actualy kick him out permanently. ... I did. . I have but it's not what I expected. Some times the crap he still puts me through I wonder why I accept it,

[Simpleandhappy]

When he's around I do feel depressed but have the night time to have a break he still has the key so he's here 6.30Am