Best Xmas Day ever..but so sad :(

[Namaste100]

Just back after a fabulous day with my wife ( we separated in July due to my infidelity..long story) Bring on the flames) and kids.
It was a lovely day & probably the best we've
shared for many a year.. Xmases usual ended up a stressful event, with neither of us enjoying the day due to both being stressed to the eyeballs ( both suffered depression and anxiety) As I was tucking my youngest into bed he said I was the best Daddy ever..after I left the room I just broke down...it hit me so hard.. I'm so sorry for hurting them all and pray I can repair the damage caused..we're due at Relate in the new year..once my own counselling finishes ( I suffered a breakdown prior to my affair..I've discovered via counselling that this was caused by non disclosure of the abuse I suffered as a child) I make no excuses for going to OW...My marriage /relationship was very intense and troubled for many years...but it's fact I was in no state of mind to make rational decisions...I just feel so heartbroken tonite..( I know my wife is heartbroken also by my actions) I miss them all so much and want the family back together.

Good luck.

They say what doesn't break us makes us stronger so here's hoping !

Vivacia -I think you can offer a listening ear and some suggestions without saying things like "your relationship is over-move on" for example I think OP needs to move on from making excuses for his behaviour and feeling sorry for himself and put himself in his wife's shoes.
It does however worry me about the whole relationships board that some posters are so ready to tell other people what to do.
A good real life counsellor would not do that-more explore the options and allow people to come to their own decisions.

The only exception I think is for child protection when I would definitely say "get out now".
I do think some posters are projecting and just giving OP a little kick.

It's great you are going to Relate, but you have to accept that one of the results you may get is learning how to love apart and still be good coparents to your children. Relate isn't there to stick bad relationships back together, but to work out what the possibilities are.

And it isn't about you any more, whatever your own demons. It's about your wife, who has every right to be treated with respect, and your children, whose needs you really need to put above your own.

Take heart, OP. You have lost something (or rather, you have thrown it away), and it's unclear at this point whether you are going to get it back or not. That's not in your control. But what is in your control is to make the best possible relationship with your estranged wife and your kids, even if in the end you and your wife are no longer in a romantic relationship or love together. Life for both of you won't end, even if that happens. You can go on to build something that suits you all much better.

Valid points Trudge...
One thing I must do is stop focussing solely on myself ( at times) and your right I do see a half full cup/talk about how I feel...My wife has said she's come through 5 months of hell and is now ( just) able to 'get on daily'... She said I need to support that .. Not be heavy and 'bring it down'.
I still need to allow the space and time to allow healing/trust rebuilding.
I feel ( rose tinted) that if communication stays positive, no pressure is applied and we do go to Relate (as agreed) then (maybe...big maybe) we have a chance.So half full cups are not allowed!!!

Yes Archie.. Your right ...I have no control over this.. I have a feeling of being in 'limbo' and that's hard to deal with..Relate isn't a sticky plaster to all things..Suffering from mental health etc or not is no excuse/ reason..I made choices and threw away my relationship with them all..Just pray this can be resolved cos I'm truly sorry for causing this horrid mess.Just so confused..Ahhhhhh!!!!
we hugged on several occasions yest and it wasn't a cold hug.. It was a long/warm /loving hug ( I feel)... She held on as long as I did...she didn't just pat my back in a 'there there ' way...it felt more intimate??? I think too much!!!!! But how can I not?? Onwards.. I'm seeing them all later today.. I'm gonna focus on the positive of that..my kids are staying with me Sat/Sun,I'm looking after oldest on Mon for the day as little one taking his mam out for Xmas treat
( bless my boy x) I've asked my wife to come to dinner 30th as she said we need to 'catch up' on our own..but she's unsure if able to accept...that's cool..no pressure... Cindy steps at a time x

I had a two month fling to honestly escape the darkness inside my head.. Wow, really? Most people do it for the enjoyment of someone stroking their ego (and their penis) whist still benefiting from the convenience of their current relationship.

Anyhoo, well done on making Christmas great for your kids, regardless of the state of your relationship, it's the kids that are really important. Good luck, I hope things work out in the best way for both you and your wife, whether that be together or separately.

Believe it or not Juan..( and many won't) the sexual
aspect of my fling was secondary..yes it was part of it..yes it stroked my ego ( and penis as you note)....but to feel 'loved' , held and safe gave me more..Ive learnt through my counselling that this can be common for survivors of childhood abuse and someone with attachment issues ( I suffered both abuse and emotional neglect as a child...but again..no excuses)

This reminds me that I can have very good days with my parents, but living with them is very stressful for different reasons. And I rarely invite them in because my mother is usually on critical mode.

It may be that you and your wife got together for the wrong reasons, and work better apart than when living together. I also have had friends I quite liked but couldn't possibly live with them all the time.

I suspect it will be better if you "forget" about the relationship and concentrate on being happy yourselves and sort out your own issues first. Perhaps postpone the joint counselling indefinitely?

Namaste100. Just wanted to wish you well and tell you, yes, it can work.
We are living proof of that. The reason we got back on track was because we loved each other very much. I resonated very much with your remark about the hug.

Cheers Fingers..I really really hope so

Hope it works out for all of you. You don't need to be reminded what a precious and powerful thing trust is, and that you are going to take years to earn it back, by being a decent and honorable man to your wife and children. The tough childhood you had is not the reason you cheated - plenty of survivors of abuse don't go down that route. Keep them separate to show that you truly regret and reject your infidelity.

Good luck, namaste

Namaste100

You know you are bigger than all the crap you think you have to deal with. You are bigger than all of that.

Relax. Stop yourself once in a while and take deep breaths. Give her space. Keep your feet firmly grounded....ignore those little voices we all have in our head. Go with your heart.

Then see what happens.

I think you are going to get there. You keep giving in this post. You have a lot to offer.

Just don't spoil it.

Happy 2015.

Thanks all for the advice,kind words and support.
Updates....
Just ended up chatting to my wife for quite a while re'us'...not planned just both feeling emotional & mentally drained so I guess we just dropped our guards...She's so hurt by the betrayal & damage done to her and kids..We discussed relationship & she's discovered through her counselling she felt she 'mothered' me at times..she said the part of relationship that was Man/Wife has been crushed by my infidelity..something she feels she may never forgive..I tried to explain that through my counselling the 'man' will appear ( if that makes sense) I told her I believed we can be great together if both stronger...She feels I can only get better if In at home..something she's doesn't want to do ( fix me)...I explained that's not what I want/need..I can/will do this and prove to her Ive changed
( cliche) also tried to discuss my mental state in the past...it all got emotional...We're still doing Relate..but this will not be a quick fix .. If at all...That's good cos I feel this type of chat without independent professional support is dangerous.I just miss them all so much

Everyone and every marriage is different but....

DH and I separated for 18 months due to many many issues that I wont go into here but one of which was my mental health. We had counselling separately and together, including with the DC (although that part was more helping them to understand what was "wrong" with Mummy and why I had been in hospital... they were very young at the time)

Anyways we managed to work through everything and have been back together for 5 years now. Things are better and stronger than ever. I am so lucky.

Good luck OP.

Cheers Hearts..I know its a time thing..and your somebody else who's proved it can be done..Iv just got to remain patient & allow it to be what it will be.