Sex and the past.

[scousecurls]

I have met a wonderful man, kind, loving, affectionate and I love him to bits. I was married before but it was sexless and no affection. It led to me having several affairs and I engaged in risky behaviour such as threesomes and public sex as my head was turned by these men wanting me. I seem to have a psychological fear now of certain aspects of sex and am to scared to mention it to my new man as he ended his last relationship when his partner committed infidelity. Here's an example, we were having passionate sex last night. I had orgasmed several times so asked him to tell me something he wanted to do. After a brief pause he asked if anal would be ok. I froze and got all funny on him as i did that in my affairs. He was fine with my reaction, I feel guilty though I could see his confusion when I refused to talk about why it's a problem. I love him so much and feel I may lose him because I clam up on stuff I associate with my affairs. Any advice please? Anna x

Put it behind you.

Did you want to have anal? If you didn't it is absolutely fine. You don't have to have anal in this or any relationship even if you did it before. I think you owe it to him to explain about your past though if it's affecting your relationship to this extent, it might bring you closer together to talk about it. Having said that however everyone has a past. You don't need to feel guilty about what you have done before. Here and now is what counts in this relationship. We all make mistakes. Maybe you're beating yourself up about it and self esteem issues are really at the heart of this?

he asked if anal would be ok. I froze and got all funny on him as i did that in my affairs.

Did you have vaginal sex during your affairs too, or kiss, text, date, etc? But you didn't freeze and go all funny with him when all that other stuff came up? Maybe you are looking for an excuse almost to bring this up with him now because you feel you should? You don't need to do that, just tell him. It's ok to start a conversation about your past if you think it'll help start the relationship with openness and honesty, especially if it's eating you up.

You also might want to look into counselling in general.

why the hell did ypu ask him to talk to you about what he wanted to do and then get freaked out when he mentioned anal?? Its hardly weird shit.
you talk abput the affairs as thoufh it wasnt your fault or as if it wasn't even the real you.
You need to own what you did. Take responsibility. That doesn't mean talking it through with your new partner, but maybe gettjng some therapy

^Yeah I think that, Branleuse , is a blunt version of exactly what I meant to say!

I think you need to distinguish between the two things, because it feels like you are morally flogging yourself here. Infidelity isn't good, but anal/threesomes/kinky alsorts is entirely healthy if you enjoy it at the time.