I am so angry I don't trust myself to be in the same room as him.

[reallystuckonthisone]

On Thursday DP lost his job. It was a huge shock and seems very unfair. Since then he has done nothing but wallow in self-pity. That sounds much harsher than I feel - of course he is upset and feels like he has failed and I do have sympathy. I've been there myself in the past. But we need to move on. Our DD is nearly 2 and deserves a nice Christmas. I cope with things like this by doing practical stuff to get over it: job hunting, sorting out his appeal letter and so on. I ask for his input and he gives me nothing, despite him being set on appealing.
On Sunday I was taken to hospital with suspected meningitis. Thankfully just a virus but I'm still on painkillers and get nasty headaches. I was in work yesterday, DD in nursery so he had a day to himself.

This morning he agreed to get DD up so I could have time for my painkillers to kick in. He has just brought her downstairs and been really nasty saying "I said I'd get her up so you could get ready for a busy day, not so you can sit drinking coffee". Ffs I was downstairs for half an hour waiting for the meds to kick in. But apparently people " take their painkillers and go back to bed".
I am so angry. He can be so unpleasant. I get DD up 6 days out of 7, deal with her and walk our dogs before going to work and I'm not allowed half an hour to myself on the morning of Christmas Eve.
He hates it that I stand up for myself. He won't argue, he just goes off. I could cheerfully wring his neck.
I am trying to cut him some slack because of the job thing but I am sick of being castigated for daring to take a bit of time for myself.
Normally he is very hands on with DD and it's only the mornings which are an issue - but not much of one because I am a morning person and only need the odd one to myself. But this attitude is starting to get me down.
Not sure what I'm asking really, just needed to vent.

Blimey that was disjointed. Sorry.

Oh that's not a good way to start the day, don't blame you at all. I would go back to bed for a while if I were you.(flowers)

I don't know what the answer is I just wanted to say I don't blame you for being so angry!

Have a clear discussion after Christmas.

As he is not working it makes sense for him to be doing more of the morning routines...

It is really hard work being with a partner who doesn't sympathise with illness. Also one who does family work 'for you' as opposed to doing it because it's the right thing to do.

So I extend my sympathies and I hope your day improves.

Wow. What a tosser.

Since when was getting his own daughter up 'for you'??

I'd be handing him his arse on a plate. Followed by the Christmas tree up it if he didn't pull his head in, look for a job pdq and stop talking to me like that. FFS. What an idiotic thing to say, apart from the child are thing.

It baffles me hiw nice women, like you, end up with such twats.

I wonder too sometimes quite honestly. He won't apologise, I guarantee it. I will have to extend the olive branch.

When you say he hates it when you stand up for yourself, do you mean this attitude was present before the job loss? If he's acting out of character you can offer him support on condition that he makes a much bigger effort to be civil and pleasant. If this is a worsening of behaviour that already exists, you may have a different problem

Don't extend olive branches. 'Caving' will only invite more of the same.

He needs some 'tough love'

Was he like this with illness before the job loss? Does he generally not do his fair share of childcare and domestic work?

OP...take yourself back to bed for the whole day...gain some strength to give your dd a beautiful, calm Christmas....he has behaved badly but as others have said -- is this just an out of character reaction to extreme stress....or is it par for the course. Think it through.

Chipping...your festive advice made me howl

"I'd be handing him his arse on a plate. Followed by the Christmas tree up it.."

He's had a week to get over the initial shock of losing his job. Giving him the benefit of the doubt he might have been frightened when you were in hospital but now he's reverted to thinking of himself.

Is it just the three of you tomorrow or were you planning to see extended family?

You have opinions on how other people should behave when they lose their job, he has opinions on how people should behave when they are ill. You are both stressed and snapping at each other and building up resentment, it is a hard time for both of you and you both need to be a bit kinder and lower your Christmas expectations to manageable ones with one sick parent and one shaken up. Otherwise this is just going to escalate.

Sorry been out and about. Tbh he is usually convinced he's in the right, despite all evidence to the contrary. But actually he's usually much more sympathetic than me about illness so that rather surprised me.
I honestly do think he has a problem seeing when he's in the wrong. Although he has apologised for dictating how I spend my free time.
My trouble is I usuay give as good as I get, which I don't think he's used to. He uses this then to tell me that I'm being aggressive. I honestly dont think I am being, but there's no doubt he makes me angry enough to become very strident.

People who are usually convinced they are in the right to the extent you describe are not good team players. They're only OK as long as everyone is agreeing with them. Disagree and they get pretty unpleasant - as he's doing - in an attempt to gain control.

How long has he been OH?

You have every right to be strident and stand your ground -- this is not aggressive, this is appropriate, grown up and assertive.

But you loose the battle if you raise your voice and get angry - no matter what you are saying.

The trick is to remain calm but firm and in control - then you will find a resolution for you both. Not easy - I am a firey, feisty red-head and it takes many deep breadths to gain control or agreement of my houseful of challenging teens.

It was good that he apologised.

I'm glad he did apologise. Fwiw I don't think either side should leave an argument feeling they’ve ‘lost’. It's a sneaky tactic to tell you you've been 'aggressive' because that immediately puts you on the spot as though you aren't entitled to express an opinion or dare contradict him.

Phrases like, “I see where you’re coming from” or, “That’s a good point, but…” will show him you are trying to think about things from his point of view, too.

What about body language? Standing with your arms crossed or facing away from him could put you both on the defensive so try and maintain eye contact as much as possible.

Btw we all want Christmas to be a special time for our DCs but this has been a testing time for you, juggling work and home life while being ill and DP's job gone up in smoke. Don't buy into the 'Christmas has to be amazing' myth it just adds to the pressure. DD is so little she will be very satisfied spending time with you both (and the pets).

Thanks all. He is trying hard this afternoon to be a nicer person. He does feel things very keenly and it takes him longer to get over things like the job. He will get there and we will be OK. In the meante he has recognised how out of order he was and is suitably contrite. A true Christmas miracle

meantime

Delighted to hear that really -- have a lovely time. Sx