Apologies for posting on this board, not a very 'manly' thing to do I know but I am at my wits end to be honest and grateful for any unbiased and objective advice/opinions I can get.
I found out a week ago that my wife had been having an affair for 9 months. I would never have believed that she would done this. We have two lovely girls, 15 and 8, and although life was not perfect, I thought we were doing ok although the past 10 years have been tough, up and down. I've found out since that it really was a 'full on' affair, although more lust than love. She says she did it because I wasn't giving her enough attention and also mentioned that "unlike him, you have never given me an orgasm". She did things with him that I wouldn't have even dared ask her to do (or wanted to in some cases). I've asked her to have STI tests, and she has done this. Every 'meeting' took place in our house, in our bedroom, in our bed. It was all during the day, because she doesn't work. They met through a community music group that my younger daughter goes (went) to. The fact that it all took place at home has made it worse. It has really been messing with my head, that he has walked through the house and done the things he has done, right here.
It gets significantly more complicated, in that my wife has suffered, on and off for the past 10 years, with severe depression, including hospitalisation on one occasion. I gave up work to look after the kids, then later, we got a full time live in nanny for 18 months. I always supported her, and I always put the children before work, cutting corners a lot of the time to do school runs, cook etc. I've always had pretty demanding jobs, well paid, and so eventually cutting corners took it's toll and I went from 13 years with 1 company to 2 job changes over the past 4 years.
My wife has always been a very anxious, needy personality. I say 'always', but not in the beginning, when we met. She was fun and confident, but over the years became increasingly resentful of not going to university and having a career and her self esteem issues got completely out of the proportion. She has said some very damaging things to the girls e.g. "I gave up my career for you two", "Don't have children when you grow up". She never had a career to give up, she was an accounts admin person in an insurance company.
Anyway - I am rambling already. Back to the affair. It all came out because I thought she as going 'down' again, getting depressed again. She was in bed, looking worried, anxious, like she used to. So I asked her what she was worried about, and it just came out. Clearly she has been bottling things up and struggling to deal with it. But she never put a stop to it over 9 months? I still can't believe it. She even had the nerve to say to me that there was some good things to come out of it, namely that our sex life had improved (dramatically, which it had). I couldn't believe she expected me to be grateful.
She is now very remorseful. But also keen to keep it all very quiet. I cant believe I didn't see the signs - she was VERY protective of her phone. Always kept it password protected and in her back pocket. She was obsessed with social media, sending 15,000 tweets in 12 months. They 'traded' photos on Facebook. It's all just so disgusting.
She now wants us to try and make a go of it. I asked her to go to her parents for a long weekend but I've allowed her to come back for Christmas. It would be hard for me to look after the kids on my own, without informing work (again).
I just can't believe after all that's happened over 10 years she would do this. I always looked after her when she was down, and she is going down again now, with the stress of all this, she is already threatening to kill herself (she tried to drink bleach a few evenings ago, I threw it out of the bedroom window).
I went to see a solicitor although I probably went too early whilst I was still in shock. It felt like the right thing to do, to understand my options. Clearly I have grounds for divorce, I was trying to see if I could afford to give up work for 4 years until my eldest has gone to uni. I think I could just about do it, financially, as we have been savers not spenders, but it doesn't help that she would get half our assets. It just feels very unfair, and I need to decide what is the "best worst option". At the moment, I am choosing the "live with it" option, but I know from looking after her before, that I need to look after myself, and I don't know if I can continue to look after her (if she gets depressed again) after she has done THIS. Also, I wonder if there is more happiness out there for me i.e. someone else, and do I want to be sharing my later years with her, when the girls have left home.
All in all, not the best Christmas......... (a bit of gallows humour there....)