Practical tips of how to leave my husband?

[Happyandsimple]

I am not here to bore you with a sob story.
I need practical tips and ideas, of how to rebuild my confidence,self-esteem become more independent in myself, to leave my husband. and realistic people to contact etc regarding certain barriers to leaving.

Does citizen advice have information?

Please don't bother with " get a divorce" let me get out the house first!
I cant deal with "just go to a refuge" ( Thats fine if that the steps you need to take, I'm not a refuge snob, there amazing , stayed in there twice growing up) please don't get the wrong end of the stick with my harshness its 2.42am. I have been crying all night. and enough is enough.

Please don't overwhelm me with things to far in the future.

I want to leave my husband.

I am very reliant on him for everything, I have 2 jobs and study, we have little kids.

We own a home, if i moved out with the kids, will there be any help to perhaps get a flat? I know you cant if you own property they want you to sell it but i cant wait till then? The reason I cant go very far from were I am is the person I am caring for needs me close ( Cant stay at theres with the kids, no room due to there equipment/machine (health related) so i cant go to a refuge as they wont be in the area. I have a friend ( she doesn't know my situation, but she left her husbands put all her stuff in storage stayed at her mums for abit to see what help she was able to get as her mums was crowded, she had to move back home because they wouldn't help her till she sold her house which would take time) Thats the only thing I have heard, not really looked into it as I don't know were to look.

What about my 2 jobs? 2 Little kids trying to move out, what will I do? I can't not go, but how do I manage to move with all that going on? Is there a better time to move out? Perhaps next Holidays when I have some days off together?

Is there things I can do to prepare to be a single mum? I have started driving the kids to nursery first thing before work ( don't laugh) I know I am pathetic. but trying to do more things myself. as he usually drops them off. Just so when it happens its less of a shock. I am scared I won't cope on my own.

Can I have contact details of people to contact?

( Dont bother with womens aid, I have been ringing them and they are very busy, and cant get through.)

Any ideas to make myself self sufficient again?

Any ideas to cope with things while planning to get out? Just make things peaceful? I'm already trying to not ask questions , because one question leads to " your complaining" "give it a rest" "stop" "no one cares" " I don't care" " I'm not listening" .. when its the first thing I've said that day. ( Again petty , but I am a sensitive little soul.Just need tips how to not let things get to me? Let it go over my head, with the end insight.

I am really not in the situation with the whole " leave with nothing" because I am staying in this area to care for a family member.

Again, I am not being a brat, I understand the tone of my post is not acceptable for a first post but i haven't got much time. as he is home in 3 hours. Please accept my apology for not doing an introduction.

I just need practical help. real ideas, I sit here scrolling the internet, typing my question in Google, to see what advice other people have given other women in my situation. it left me wanting to stay put. because the advice was " get a divorce" woah im not there yet " sell the house". yes but i need to get my head right" " get out now while you can" okay can you give me some tips to feel confident enough to leave? It really isn't the case of put one foot in front of the other. and please don't say " do this for your kids" because if you knew how hurtful that was to someone who does everything for there kids. I am trying , that's why I am here, so don't make me feel bad. Let me have this one safe place that I don't have to run from.

Disclaimer, kids are safe and well, and nothing happens around them.

I cant cry any more. I cant keep waking up saying "im leaving" and not doing anything.. I know I can do this, but tiny steps, as I am so lost. If i had the money id move out right now and get a little place. simple. quiet peaceful. no more egg shells.

• I am not expecting you to solve my problems for me. Please dont say anything negative, I know I put myself out there so I should be prepared for what I get, but please someone just try and help.

A list is always helpful. Also , I'm not isolated, I have friends, I work, so its not how it seems, He is isolated, has no friends, refuses to make any because he says I am all I need. He is the one that moved here and has no one. So I have huge guilt for wanting to leave.

In hmm 4 years? :P But I finnish this year in june ish? I am glad I got through too, I have a habit of saying "BUT he does this and that, and she said you know what, he can do all that but it doesnt make everything hes doing better, and she said " I bet he says " i am doing all this for yoU" " all I ever do is things for yoU" I was shocked because any time I comment on how he talks to me thats what he goes to, and she knew what I was going to say, i feel relieved that its real. I am not making it up. Because I made myself look bad, told her I get so upset I shout, and she explained and asked " does he do this"< I was really shocked she knew because what he does isnt what you hear usualy, i said to her who would believe this? And she said "Actually more people than you think, who knows there is more to it, than it seems"

She gave me 2 people to contact, I haven't had time yet. Turn to us, as she feels there may be some grants available to help me leave. And Another. When I came home today, I felt sick looking at him :( Very angry too. That someone I put my all into, who knows everything about me, who I poured my heart out to when we were friends for 4 years.. Has put me in this position. He told me a while ago his one and only gf before me used to beat him up. His explanations of storys, even after they just happened, are very much different to how they happened. and I don't know whats true anymore. He lies so much that you can say " this is black" he will argue for ages, saying its blue, then he realises it is black, and the story changes to " i said it was black in the first place, you got it wrong then made me get it wrong" ( This didnt happen but its so weird)

That sounds like gaslighting too.
Glad you got through and they are supporting you. Keep in touch with them and follow through with the contacts.
Detach as much as possible until you have a good leaving plan and walk out.

I think you should at least get a free initial interview with a solicitor, even if you don't plan to divorce right now. And look into benefits you would be entitled to. This helps to give you a clear vision of one possible future.

I had one a bit like yours. In the end, I used to voice any old opinion on the telly just to hear how he would immediately shoot it down in flames!

Try to pick one thing, just one, and follow through. I'd suggest getting legal advice first. Many firms give free 30 minute consultations. Make a list of questions and see one. Legal advice doesn't mean filing for divorce. It just means getting a clearer picture of where you stand with regards to the house, maintenance, etc. It's just a piece of the whole picture.

You mention caring for your mum, can you & DCs move in with her? Even if you have to sleep on the floor, you would be away from your H. It's clear that you need breathing space and a place to think and regroup.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you everyone. I am very shocked to say this. as this was not what I had planned at all, but I am going to look into atleast doing the 30 minutes with a solicitor, and actually.. Goodness, saying this out loud, but I am going to see if i can contact my local womans aid. Your all amazing

Good! It's a first step. Best of luck to you!

I just wanted to show support. I left my husband a while ago and now live in a womans aid shelter and have done so for the last 7 months with my 16 year old son. It took me three attemts and three shelters before I finally got away as I always went back thinking I could fix things, or I had no money or my son would have to change schools and me having to quit work so it made me go back.

I am free now. I have nothing though but I am free from the abuse. I also went on for years not knowing if I was being abused as it was very hidden and yes there was phisical abuse but as I did not have bruices I thought it was not abuse.

What you need is to get paperwork aside, your birth cert, passports and marriage cert. Keep them aside someplace safe. The thing is you are now thinking of leaving, it may take a while before you actually do leave, but it is finding that "I have had enough" moment that nothing else matters but your safety and happyness. I wish you well and keep being strong.

Do i need his permision to remorgage? because our house will be almost impossible to sell, but if i remorgage i could get like some money? how about getting a loan? because i could get enough for a DEposit and few months rent, so can have time off work while im getting back on my feet, ive got credit- were is best to go?

If it's a joint mortgage (in both your names) I'm pretty sure you need both people to agree to remortgage. But I'm sure there would be practical and/or financial support available to you if you're leaving an abusive relationship. The best people to advise would be Women's Aid and a solicitor. So do persevere with that plan! Good luck. You're doing the right thing.

Delete your browsing history regularly

Joint mortgage? More than likely, yes. However, you could probably get an unsecured (I.e. Normal bank) loan on your own? Would it help to suss that out, to know that you could do that? Then that might make other options more feasible? Then you know that that's one aspect "sorted" (even temporarily) that would let you physically leave?
Or, and you need his OK to this too, but would renting out your house to someone else work (if you don't think it'd sell)? Not the ideal long-term scenario?
Disclaimer - I wouldn't ordinarily encouraging taking on debt if you didn't have to!

Do NOT take out a bank loan! Terrible idea!

Emma- thank you, I havent even had time to contact the people WA gave me to contact. but hopefuly I will contact them again. I actually dont know what to say to them on our next chat.

Yes its a joint morgage. is remorgaging a bad idea? if i can get him to agree?

Drquin, yes i think that would help, I do have good credit so that would be something to consider, I wont recieve help with somewere else to live due to owning the house. I have tried to come up with reasons for him to move out. I wont specify what they are incase he finds this, but I am crossing my fingers, I doubt it will work. Thank you for the disclaimer hun :)