I can't take anymore

[Snoopysimaginaryfriend]

I'm sorry to be posting here but I think I've hit rock bottom

I am married to a man who has a child from a previous relationship. He left her due to her erratic behaviour. I am not the ow, they were separated before we met, don't really have contact unless it's to arrange pickup/ drop off time.

From my first meeting with husbands family they continuously talk about his ex to me, we have not met because she was very horrible about me and there's been no reason for contact. The day we moved into our home she made a big song and dance demanding more money (it was her birthday), when we got engaged she had a massive breakdown, crying etc and his family were more interested in talking about her month long holiday than they were in us getting married. At my wedding my father in law decided to stand there and have a conversation about the ex with me by myself until I could excuse myself. He's only been to our home once, he stayed for twenty minutes talking about her the whole time.

I had a miscarriage three weeks ago at about twelve weeks. I am now finding it very hard to cope being around his family because I constantly feel I am not good enough for them. Until I was pregnant I didnt matter at all to my mil, she only started texting me when I was pregnant and since the miscarriage she only texts me talking about my husband and his daughter.

I feel like I don't exist to these people because my baby died. I'm sorry it died, I would give anything in the world to change this but I cant. I don't know what to do to make them realise how bad I feel.

My husband at first agreed they were insensitive but then said he only said that to placate me and that I should get over it.

Am I being unreasonable? I know I'm sensitive because of the miscarriage but they've known me for four years now, surely I'm not such a horrible person that all they want to do is talk about his ex who caused him such misery for years.

I'm sorry I know other people in this board have much bigger issues but I have no one else to talk to.

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear of your loss

Your DH really does need to listen to how you're feeling and explain to his parents that whatever their opinions of his ex, he's not with her anymore so their views on her don't need to be made into a conversation topic (with you or anybody else!)

You really don't need anybody making you feel uncomfortable or not good enough, especially at a time when you're emotionally raw as it is.

Be kind to yourself. Nobody will blame you for wanting to spend time by yourself (and away from your in-laws) while you come to terms with your loss.

Take care x

Thank you for the kind words crownjewel, it's nice to know I'm not being a complete lunatic.

I know I won't ever win this argument, I never do, so it's just another emotion I will have to bottle up.

Sorry for your loss. Your DH should be supporting you particularly while you are very vulnerable.

Can you change the subject every time they bring her up. Even if it's a blatant topic change on to asking what they are planning for their birthday/holiday/gift/Xmas

I have tried. My husband says they tolerate her rudeness and erratic behaviour to have access to their grandchild, but if she is so horrible to them why do they feel the need to discuss her day to day life with me? We've never met!

I am so sorry for your loss; and your feelings are valid. Don't let anyone attribute how you feel about this constant chatter about the ex, to your recent miscarriage. It merely amplifies it. Has your husband or you ever pointed out, politely "erm, why are you talking about dh's ex to me? Seems to happen a lot?" Or perhaps something rather more pointed?

Just an update, had a meltdown and ran off to my mums today. She told me that she had thought my father in law was out of order at our wedding, seems she got cornered with the same conversation and was less than impressed.

However, my mum is always the diplomat and thinks I need to just ride it out and be the better person because they are unlikely to change.

Now I'm scared to go home, don't know how to end this argument, Christmas is ruined.

Do you ever actually tell them to shut the fuck up about the ex?

I'm not allowed to. If I were to bring up the comments or some of the other things that I have witnessed going on with my step daughter my husband would go ballistic. It's as though they're all just falling over each other to pretend everything is ok.

To clarify the conversation at our wedding was him telling me how much he was looking forward to the ex coming to visit him for two weeks. He then left suddenly the day after when he had told my husband he would be staying for five days. Turns out he left to see her so he lied to my husband, his only child, about it too. I know they want to see their grandchild but how can they be like this towards me over a woman who literally destroyed my husband in front of them

The thing is that if your husband is close to his family, you are virtually marrying the family too. I am so sorry you had a miscarriage and really glad you have gone to your mum's.

Your husband's completely out of order in not tackling this. They are ridiculously out of order in the way they talk to you, particularly on your wedding day! They don't sound as though they have any social skills at all.

I know, he is close to his mother.

I generally get on very well with them so it's just upsetting when they are insensitive.

It feels better having vented my feelings here. I will go home soon.

You poor thing. I think you have three choices. 1) Go along with the charade, 2) Refuse to collude in this ridiculous pantomine any longer, or, 3) Walk away and leave them to it.

The first option is driving you crazy. You haven't mentioned doing 3, so I think it's worth trying 2. But you really, really need your husband's support in this.

(Grr, "pantomime").

Not allowed to? If you're in a relationship where you are intimidated into keeping your mouth shut you have bigger problems than insensitive in laws. I'm appalled

You've got a husband problem as much as a family problem.

I call Bs. They don't keep in contact with her because of the grandchild (is that DHs explanation?) they appear to genuinely like her and have a relationship.

That makes me think that the separation was not due to her "erratic" behaviour. Perhaps it was his? I think you aren't being told the whole story somehow.

Have you heard why they separated from his family?

The fact that your husband would "go ballistic" makes me think he doesn't want something discussed.

I wish it was bs and she was a level headed person who would put their child first but unfortunately I've seen her texts and heard the drunken, abusive, unprompted calls. Until his friends convinced him to put a stop to it she was having him pay her all maintenance and nursery fees in cash because she thought it would affect her benefits. I saw a form she filled in when they started school and she told them her daughter didn't know her father and had no contact with him and this is the stance she's taken with the council, dwp etc The police have been involved in her family because of violence between her and family members.
My husband does not want her to have any control or influence over our life together so he just zones out and nods when she is brought up and thinks I should be capable of doing the same. He has told me he wants me to be the calm, mature female role model in his child's life that they don't get at home.
I know before me there were blazing arguments between my mil and her but it really is the truth that they are blinded by this child who can also do no wrong. Of course my inferior womb has failed to provide a grandchild so i will just have to learn to like my place at the bottom of the pecking order.

Just a quick update. DH has spoken to his family and told them we don't need the constant commentary. He did this completely unprompted after we had stopped discussing the issue and has just told me now when I was talking about how much I prefer the stuffing over the turkey!

I think sometimes he is just a typical bloke who gets a bit cavemanish and doesn't want to hear the truth even when he's thinking it himself, especially if it means he'll have to rock the boat and do something.

Anyway, don't know if it will change anything but at least I know my husband does care and maybe I'll be less sensitive knowing this.

Hope everyone had a good Christmas and hopefully I'll be pregnant again soon in this new year