Narc stepdad has been cheating on mom...

[candyce83]

I received a Facebook message from my sister this morning saying that things weren't great with my mom and stepdad and to ring her. She then went on to tell me that he's been cheating on her with one of his clients(he's a contractor) and that instead of paying him for the work he's done she's sleeping with him. My mom mustve suspected that something wasn't right and looked through his phone...this woman who she's never met was calling her a bitch etc...Im guessing he gave her the whole Im a victim line please feel sorry for me as cheaters usually do. My sister recorded some of them fighting and sent it to me, to hear my mom so upset really upset me...he hasn't admitted or apologized to anything. My counsellor has suggested he has NPD. he was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive to me my brother and sister, Im pretty sure he has done the same to my mom...What a shit human being.

I live over here in England and she's back in the states with the rest of my family. I can't afford to come home for xmas. I just feel so helpless and sad for her. They've been together for over 20 years. To add insult to injury she's lost her job today.

I feel like i just want to give up everything and look after her back home in the US. How can I be there when Im so far away? Are there any articles I can send her to help her through this or gain some insight?

I didn't want to read & run - I certainly empathise with how you feel, however, this is a complex situation which is way out of my experience.

All I can offer is a bump &

I feel so sorry/sad for her...thank you for the kind words! I just can't stop thinking about it...

You can't help your mother with articles. She needs direct intervention from police, social services and other support agencies. If she's tolerated this man abusing not only herself but her children then of course she's going to brush a little thing like infidelity under the rug.

Save the people you can save. Your wellbeing is top priority. Is your sister or any other children at risk?

I don't think my brother and sister are at risk...the damage from him has been done though. My brother seems ok but my sister has emotional problems im 31, they're 18 and 21 respectively. i feel completely responsible for them...I just think cuz im so far away i dont know how to handle this situation. I hate his guts, how much can one person fuck so much up in one family?

Abusive people fuck up families by exerting total control through fear. Your mum has been rendered incapable of protecting either herself or her children and no one else has intervened in a decisive way. Your or your siblings could report the abuse that happened to you to the police and have him investigated as a paedophile. You could potentially report your mother as a vulnerable adult. Do your sister and brother still at home with this man?

Whether he's 'NPD' or not is academic. He's a criminal.

They're both at uni but are home for the holidays. he has been investigated about 15 years ago and I had a temporary restraining order against him. he charmed the pants off my social worker though. She thought the sun shown out of his arsehole! I could've testified against him in court but I couldn't deal with the trauma of that and cross examination. His lawyer was a fucking wanker and probably would've torn me to shreds on that stand. He claims he didn't know he was doing anything wrong.
Then he found god. He also had to take anger management classes but they did nothing obviously. I am 31 and even I am scared of him still but I go home to see my brother and sister and mom. It is the only time I get to hear about what really happens at home. my mom is a closed book. if i hadn't heard from my sister i probably would've never found out about this.

should i speak to my mom about reporting him? i worry she is trapped because she has now lost her job...im worried this will push her to stay with him...

Speak to your DM but do understand that, after 20 years of abuse as bad as you describe, she is unlikely to agree to do anything, get help or similar. Any confidence she had is long gone way before this latest insult or even the job loss. She's going nowhere.