Reaching a sexual compromise

[Notfootball]

DH and I have been together 10 years and have two young DC. My sex drive has always been a fair bit higher than DH's and prior to DC we had regular ish sex, though not as often as I would like. Obviously it tailed off during the small baby days/sleepless nights but DC2 is nearly 4 and we have DTD less than 5 times a year for the last 3 or so, me always being the instigator. If I say that I understand that he has a lower sex drive but can we talk about it, he takes it as a personal affront and uses excuses such as him being lazy, tired or the bad situation with his father dampening down his sex drive.

I just want to reach a compromise where we have a bit more sex without me feeling like a bloody pest. How do I even start this discussion with him?

[HelenaDove]

So Minerva he is basically expecting that you must have/should have continued "panting" after him for years. Did he really expect your feelings to have never changed?

As for saying its YOU who has moved the goalposts.....NO HE did that. Hes gaslighting you. THIS is what i meant when i said it was controlling. This is an example of what i meant. You deserve someone who wants you for you.

[Pasithea]

7 years due to his age and my illness. Nothing we don't even talk about it now as he is afraid to try.

[LastTangoInBognor]

Helenadove - well I don't think it is, and I know that I'm not hideous! But I also know that sexual desire is a funny thing - just because I'm (in theory) attractive doesn't mean DH will be attracted to me, if that makes sense.

minerva I know exactly what you mean. I'm at a point now where I've almost given up on the whole thing and so now for us to repair things would require effort on both our parts. Plus yes - the deal breaker/obligation aspect is supremely unsexy.

[sykadelic]

I agree with much of what Cheesebuster said however I think many people missed the point of Cheese's post, which was, in summary:

• some people do just have low sex drives.
  
• He should though be willing to compromise with you. Could you suggest once a month as a starting point? And gradually up it to once a week.
  
• Also very surprised to see a husband be called controlling for not wanting his wife to have affairs!
  

The OP's husband (or other people who have a low sex drive) are not trying to enforce celibacy on anyone, they simply are choosing not to have sex as often as someone else wants, which is their right. To be pedantic, people are getting off topic in this thread quite a bit. The OP is not in enforced celibacy, they have sex, just not as much as the OP would like.

Many people are referring to a low sex drive as a "problem". As the OP said, her husband doesn't think he has a "problem" so referring to his low sex drive as such only serves to shame him into think he's not normal. Such pressure to perform hardly helps his feelings on the matter I'm sure.

The OP should instead focus on herself and how it makes her feel. She is not happy with the situation, THAT is the problem. So yes, he should be willing to discuss the actual problem, which is the mismatch of sex drive and whether this really is a deal breaker for her.

As for the references to a "marriage contract"... I didn't take a vow to have sex with my husband. It wasn't part of my "marriage contract" at all. Happiness was though. So I will agree that the fact this is deeply distressing to the OP is important. HOWEVER, by asking for more sex or you want an open relationship, or you might have affairs, is emotionally manipulative in my opinion, and you should be aware that you would in effect be emotionally blackmailing your SO into having sex.

[sykadelic]

OP - I think 5 times a week is a lot myself so in my opinion you have a very high sex drive. If my husband told me he wanted it 5 times a week I would feel immense pressure to perform, and probably resentful for feeling like I was just ticking my "quota" for that week/month etc.

I think your husbands comment about you being a sex maniac stemmed from you jumping from your current sex life of once every 2.5 months, to 100+ times in 2.5 months... that's a pretty big difference! I think, as CheeseBuster said you need to slowly work up to that... but conversely, should he really be forced to have sex more often just because you want it?

If he isn't willing to open the relationship, or look the other way for you to sleep with someone else, what do you do then?

I think you need to stop mentioning is as "a lack of sex", and instead bring up his lack of willingness to talk about it or do anything to check and see if something can be done (ruling out medical issues such as low testosterone etc), seeing it was not always like this so something could be off... but he isn't required to see a doctor just because you want him to (even though in my opinion refusing to do so when it would be a non-invasive though would be unreasonable).

I also think you should give him the chance to come to the decision to see a doctor etc etc himself by telling him just how serious this is for you. If he's not willing to work with you, then you need to make some decisions about what is best for you and your happiness.

You deserve to be happy. People change. Things change.

[Twattergy]

His comment about his dad as the reason for lack of desire for sex is interesting. It might just be an excuse but if not, couldn't he be trying to communicate something with this?Have you really investigated this issue with him? Made him feel completely emotionally supported? A feeling of hopelessness or worry in one area of life can kill libido. I am someone that could go without sex for quite a while. If my partner was negotiating for more frequency the things I'd want him to lead with would be things like 'how do you need to feel before sex takes place...how can I help you to feel that way? '. Sorry if I'm telling you stuff you've already tried.

[HelenaDove]

sykedelic the unwillingness to talk about it or do anything about it or completely shutting down the conversation on it is what i was referring to. And some do ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to talk about it and shut it down. You only have to look at these boards to see that. NO ONE should be coerced or emotionally blackmailed into having sex. But no one should be emotionally blackmailed into putting up with the status quo either.

No one comes out and says "Hey have more sex with me or i will go elsewhere" out of the blue.

And its not just sex is it The intimacy and affection goes too in a lot of cases. So there is also the intimacy and affection surrounding sex that disappears. Its not that simple.

[sykadelic]

Helena the OP stated "he used to be extremely affectionate, lots of kisses and hugs which often didn't lead anywhere but I tried not to push it. Not as affectionate any more but it's cool. I miss the physicality of it, the actual sex itself and the lack of it makes me feel frustrated and resentful"

She went on to explain that the lowering of affection was cool because "it was fine with me as he used to a bit too affectionate as in constantly kissing me, in front of my parents and at other inopportune times". So she's not worried about that part, just sex, hence CheeseBuster's statement about a lot of people projecting. Though I also think that the other similar posts from posters in this thread has confused things somewhat.

Speaking strictly about the OP's situation, she hasn't posted since the 24th. She asked how to broach the conversation with him and she has. He isn't fussed, and she is. So now SHE needs to make a decision about what is right for her.

Honestly, way back in the beginning she admitted that she is not affectionate and wants sex. He IS affectionate and doesn't want it to constantly turn to sex. I wonder if part of his problem is the fact she used to try and turn his affection into sex (something that I personally find irritating when I just want a cuddle and nothing more) and that's made him wary of her. I also wonder if this wasn't a mismatch for a long time and he's gotten tired of trying to keep up when he's never really been bothered.

[HelenaDove]

Oh i see

[SoddingCupcakes]

lotsofcheese my DH won't agree to an open relationship.

[HelenaDove]

Hi Cupcakes. Is he willing to go to his GP then?

[SoddingCupcakes]

He's been. We've had pills and therapy. Nothing works.

[HelenaDove]

Hmm Was he receptive to the therapy or was it more "i will go along with it if it will keep her quiet?

[Fairenuff]

You dont get to cherry pick the vows you fancy keeping and leave the rest!

There is nothing in the wedding vows about sex in a marriage.

[camrywagon]

I just want to add that I really feel for everyone on here who has gone through the shit that is a partner who won't initiate or have sex when initiated.

I was in a relationship with exdp for 7 years and it became a huge issue. His excuse was he was as 'passionate' as me. It ended for this as well as many other reasons and I met my current partner, now husband, and the same pattern hapened. I actually started to think of myself as sexual napalm....

BUT, we have worked it out and our sex life is now really satisfying for both of us. I was bringing my baggage and he was bringing his. Even after 3 years when things started to go wrong, we had things to learn.

I don't know if this makes much sense but I think I'm trying to say if it feels hopeless and your partner won't acknowledge it then it is better to break away ( as I did my otherwise great ex) but if it feels hopeless but your partner treats your concerns with validity and you both act on them then there could be a solution.

[HelenaDove]

Fairienuff NO ONE has the right to coerce anyone into sex i did say that.

[Fairenuff]

Well what did you mean about wedding vows then if you weren't referring to sex?

[HelenaDove]

Er....intimacy affection. Doesnt always involve penetration you know. And by affection i mean a hug now and again.

You cant treat a partner like you would a work colleuague.

[TalesOfTheCity]

There is nothing in the wedding vows about sex in a marriage.
Uhm, except the whole getting married bit. I'm not sure what you mean by "the" wedding vows.

The Church of England wedding vows do discuss sex, actually, so not "nothing".

^The gift of marriage brings husband and wife together
in the delight and tenderness of sexual union
and joyful commitment to the end of their lives^

(marriage) ^is given
that as man and woman grow together in love and trust,
they shall be united with one another in heart, body and mind^

The LAW of this country recognises that if you have never had sex, your marriage is null and void.

Marriage, by it's nature, is and always has been a sexual partnership. That does NOT mean people are obligated to have sex when they do not want to, and no-one is suggesting that coercion is OK, but it does mean they ARE obligated to consider their partner's sexuality and care about it and contribute and discuss problems together.

[Somethingtodo]

OP has said that her OH is too affectionate/huggy....and she specifically wants full penetrative sex.

[Fairenuff]

There is nothing in the marriage vows about physical touching though.

[HelenaDove]

Very well put Tales. Couldnt have articulated it better. I still have fuzzy Christmas brain at the moment.

[HelenaDove]

Fairienuff you are being disingenuous.

[Fairenuff]

Those aren't vows Tales. I agree it is implied and usually expected but it's important that everyone understands there is no promise to have sexual contact in wedding vows.

[TalesOfTheCity]

Also in the CoE vows there is the "With my body I honour you". That is about sex.