Please help me put this into perpesctive

[superbagpuss]

I have a birth mother

She left home when I was young to live near to her fancy man who was still married. After many years they set up a home together and got married.

I went NC with her a few years ago as she said my marriage was a sham as I married in church and I hadn't obeyed the 10 commandments ie honour they monther and father. This was a person who commiteed adultery for many years.

She has sent a lovely daughter birthday card but hasn't put my name on it, just love Mum

Why does it still hurt me?

Of course it hurts: it's a fundamental relationship, which is not going the way you would like it to. ie. she is not kind or caring or respectful, and a huge part of you still wishes she were other than she is.

It's ok.

You are doing the right thing, painful as it is.

You are lovable and loved, though. Whatever your birth mother says or does.

Nothing hurts so much as regrets. If you're unlucky enough to have been produced by a parent who goes on to be a massive disappointment, it's a huge source of regret. Sheer bad luck, of course, but painful nevertheless. You probably see your friends with lovely normal mums who behave kindly & don't go around hypocritcally quoting bible passages when it suits, and wish that yours was like that too. It's a pretty normal feeling,

I went NC with my father many years ago and it's helped me to keep reminding myself that the way he is, is nothing to do with me.

My father, your mother and all of the other toxic people in the world have their own deep seated issues which cause them to act the way they do. It's not a reflection on who we are, or on our own behaviour. Nothing you could do would make them change. And it hurts partly because of sadness that they can't be a 'normal' parent and partly because nothing will ever be good enough for them.

All you can do is set your boundaries and decide how much of their behaviour you're willing to tolerate. It does get easier over the years.